Finding my spirituality

I didn’t mean to misplace my spirituality.  I just lost it while searching for my identity.  After a tumultuous marriage and divorce, all I wanted to do was scrape the remnants of the relationship from my being.

In Pashto, a girl’s reputation is like a mirror, a chip or crack makes it look ugly.  Thinking that my divorce was a mar on my honor, I wanted to not be me: the 24-year old girl married and divorced while her friends had just graduated.  I wanted to be someone else, someone without a chip on her mirror.

However, in trying to erase my past, I no longer knew who I was.  After my divorce, I found myself sitting in my parents’ family room not laughing at jokes I once found funny.  I no longer felt a bond with my friends.  The talk of the latest clothes meant nothing.  I realized the world had somehow passed me by.  I was stuck in a place no one else existed.

I was changed because of my life experiences. Even my mother seemed so young in her thoughts.  Her own fairytale of a marriage set a precedent my dysfunctional marriage had never lived up to.

Tired of trying to fit in, I stopped being someone else and just started being.  I began to wander like the Persian philosopher Ghazali. He left the contentment of his home in search of himself. Of course, I could never be so noble.  Spending years in solitude with only God was what fortified my soul throughout my unhappy marriage.  I went back to spending time in isolation, and I found it comforting.

Being alone gave me time to reflect and grow internally.  I realized I had been tested in ways many were not.  This was difficult to accept, but with prayer, I  found myself understanding that I was different.  This difference made me unique — a quality I started to like.

Eventually, I met my husband.  My husband quenched a thirst I didn’t know I had.  He looked past my broken exterior and saw a soul he called beautiful.  For him, and for his love, I am thankful.

I thought I was done crying.  I took for granted that I passed my “Test” and wouldn’t be tested again.  What a fool I was.

Last year, I was given the gift of motherhood only to have it taken away too soon. Before Ibrahim died, I was oblivious to how seriously ill he was.  I ignored the blinking red lights on his monitors and the daily commotion surrounding his little bed in the ICN.  My family reassured me often that God loved me and that my son would be fine.  I even convinced my husband that we would be taking him home before long.

One evening, I fell asleep in my hospital room and dreamt of holding hundreds of balloons, so colorful — a gift from my husband.  They slowly turned white and began to slip away from my fingers.  It was my husband who touched my arm and held me close when I panicked.  “Let them go, honey, don’t you see how beautiful they make the sky?”

I woke up alarmed.  I couldn’t speak or breathe from sorrow.  I prepared for my baby’s departure that day.  Because of the mercy of my dream, I gave my son a dignified goodbye, with my husband by my side.

Losing Ibrahim shattered me.  He was the baby I played mommy to when I was a little girl.  He was supposed to be the happy ending to my sad story.  But God was not the cosmic Santa Claus I thought he was.  I wouldn’t be punished or rewarded on earth for things I did. Mortality was a fact and people I loved would die.  They didn’t belong to me or anyone else.

Just as I had given up, leaving my fate in God’s hands, I became pregnant soon after Ibrahim’s death.  The new baby was due exactly on the first anniversary of Ibrahim’s passing.  The following year, my second child, Musa, came into my barren lap filling it with love and drying my tears.

Without the many tests and trials of my life I would never know or appreciate the strength, the compassion, the love, the mortality, the mercy, and the miracles of God.  I am humbled by the life God has woven for me and have no idea what to expect and no longer even try to guess.

The way Joseph’s scent made its way back to Jacob, I came back.  I finally found God waiting where I had left Him and it wasn’t by changing who I was, but by embracing where I had been.

Sabina Khan-Ibarra is a freelance writer and editor, and her most recent work, Birth, Loss and In-Between appeared in the online magazine, In Culture Parent.  Sabina regularly contributes to her blog, Ibrahim’s Tree, which focuses on dealing with loss–created after the loss of her infant son in 2011. She is currently writing her novel, Poppy Flower, based on her life growing up as a Pashtun American in the Bay Area.  Sabina is also the co-editor and author for Hijabulous: Seeing the Veil through the Eyes of American Muslim Women.  Sabina works as a Human Resources Manager and lives in Davis with her husband and son.


23 Comments on “Finding my spirituality”

  1. viralsalome16 says:

    Hello,

    I am a christian woman struggling with my faith and can identify with your struggles. A beautifully written piece. I felt so much. Allah bring you many blessings sister and I am very sorry for your loss. It is lovely to hear this again, it isn’t God who goes away in the trial…it’s us.
    But life is tough. It can be very tough. Thank-you for sharing your life.

    • Thank you so much for reading my article :) Allah has truly blessed me and I am honored. Life is tough but when we remember the blessings He has bestowed upon us life is a little less daunting :)

      • viralsalome16 says:

        You’re welcome Sabina, and you’re right. Remembering the blessings does make life – less daunting. I would agree. :)

  2. am says:

    God bless you. Very touching

  3. Reshmi says:

    salam,
    I had no idea you had lost your child. It is one of the most heartbreaking experiences and can put a strain on marriage. I’m so happy to also learn that you had a healthy child and that you and your husband continue to be “humsafar” on this journey we call life :)

    With affection.

  4. Wasalaam!
    Thank you for reading my story. yes, he passed away last year Jan. 23, 2011. You may have been at the funeral, at Lowry, it was quite big for a little boy mA. I am truly blessed for sure Alh! :)

  5. Marie Ali says:

    Salam

    Truly admire your courage n strength. When my sister passed i remember so vividly my mom saying no mother should outlive their child yet she was able to move on n take care of the rest of her kids. We r so blessed in our lives n yet some of us just dwell in the misfortunes we go through, i am sure u have inspired alot of people to see the true blessings of life, happiness n heartbreak comes with life.

    ?May allah continue to shower u with his blessings n thank u for sharing your expriences.

    Marie

    • Wasalam Marie,

      Thank you for reading my article. Your mother is right. The pain never goes away. It is almost unbearable, but we move on because we have to…for those around us, especially our other children.

      Ameen to your duas and have a blessed last days of Ramadan!

  6. thetruthful says:

    Beautiful. Thank you.

  7. Leigh Ann says:

    “But God was not the cosmic Santa Claus I thought he was. I wouldn’t be punished or rewarded on earth for things I did. Mortality was a fact and people I loved would die. They didn’t belong to me or anyone else.” This is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing as it is a harsh truth that shall comfort many. May you continue to be blessed.

  8. That is such a beautiful and heart wrenching post. Iove it and more power to you.

  9. Hajra says:

    Sabina your story is truly remarkable and I admire you for your strength. May ALLAH continue to bestow His blessings upon you.

    I have a question. Does life really go on after divorce? I am going through a divorce right now and it has completely broken me and shaken my faith. I find it difficult to pray or to expect anything good of life anymore. I am just 23 and I cannot imagine how I will ever live this life alone. I can’t even think of getting married again because I’ve lost all faith in the institution of marriage and I’ve lost faith in men. So, in short, does life get better after divorce? Is it really possible?

    • Dear Hajra

      Thank you for reading my story. I know it must be hard to hear, but this feeling of hopelessness will pass. And you will learn from your past marriage and even your divorce. If we are lucky, we become better and stronger people in spite of it. You have to take one day at a time. And this is the best time to pursue your dreams and do things you have always wanted to do but couldn’t. What I have learned through my journey is that even when I thought I was alone and even when I wanted to be alone, I really wasn’t- Allah was always there. There is always a new test but life does get better and love after divorce does exist.

      Sabina

  10. Mars says:

    Reblogged this on Mariam,individually. and commented:
    “… I am humbled by the life God has woven for me and have no idea what to expect and no longer even try to guess.”

  11. Mars says:

    Such strength, such beauty- Thank you for sharing your story! You reminded me that there is more, so much more chalked out for us by Allah SWT then our minds can conceive. Duas for you and yours!

  12. [...] I experienced the stress (and love) of caring for my son Ibrahim, who endured an illness and eventually passed away, I am just now realizing the enormity of my responsibility as a mother to a growing child. Not long [...]

  13. [...] we gifted a highlight (and love) of caring for my son Ibrahim, who endured an illness and eventually upheld away, we am usually now realizing a concern of my shortcoming as a mom to a flourishing child. Not [...]

  14. […] more from Sabina: Finding My Spirituality ; Birth, Loss & In Between, and Raising a Confident Muslim Child in […]

  15. […] more from Sabina: Paths To My  Heart,  Finding My Spirituality ; Birth, Loss & In Between, and Raising a Confident Muslim Child in […]


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