Advice: Marriage Sucks

Dear Love InshAllah,

My wife does not perform oral sex on me. It aggravates me. In past relationships, I have enjoyed oral sex and I am missing it in my marriage. What should I do to convince her to go down on me? Should I remind her that there is nothing haram (prohibited) about it?

Signed,

Marriage Sucks

Shy Desi Boy replies:

I was once asked by a 22-year old  male if oral sex is when you have sex and talk at the same time. Uh, no. Not quite.

In your question, MS, you state that in past relationships, you have enjoyed oral sex. One of the reoccurring themes of this advice column is the importance of communicating with your partner about your previous sexual experiences and your sexual desires.

When Muslims get married, they often want to present themselves as virtuous as possible. As a result, they do not share their previous sexual experiences. They worry that if their husband or wife finds out they had sex before marriage (and what kind of sex), their partner will not respect them.

When you and your partner discuss getting married, it is critical to communicate your present desires and past experiences. You also owe it to yourself—and your partner—to get tested for STDs. Of course you do not need to give details about who you slept with and how good/bad it was/wasn’t. But you should give your partner an idea of the things that please you and why they please you.

But a word of caution: if you are going to share your past experiences, you have to be willing to listen to your wife talk about her previous experiences and her desires.

As for oral sex, a few things:

  1. Have you asked her why she does not enjoy oral sex? This is the most obvious place to start. And please, do not ask this question when you are naked, fully erect, with her on her knees. This is not an equal position to engage in a conversation about sex.
  2. Are you performing oral sex on her? If you are asking your partner to perform a sex act that you yourself will not reciprocate, well then you should step back and examine how you both understand pleasure. If your partner does not enjoy performing oral sex on you, ask yourself if there is any sexual act you do for your wife that you do not enjoy.
  3. Are you hygienic? Don’t just say yes. Ask your partner. Ask her what you can do to improve your cleanliness. This may mean trimming or showering before oral sex.
  4. How is your behavior outside of bed? If you and your wife are drifting apart or if she feels like you are ignoring her, then the issue may be something other than sex. In this case, a relationship counselor may help.
  5. You mention religion. Has your wife brought up Islamic reasons for why she does not want to perform oral sex? I am not a big fan of talking to religious scholars but sometimes this helps, if you know someone that you both trust.
  6. Are you being, well, a jerk during sex? Men watch so much porn that when the lights turn off at home, they think they are in the San Gabriel Valley on some adult movie set. Be gentle if she wants you to be gentle and do not assume that she wants to swallow your semen. Keep Kleenex nearby if she prefers you ejaculate into a tissue as opposed to her mouth. She is a person, not an actress or a doll. If you want to have sex with her in a manner that she is not comfortable with, then just masturbate. And tell her that.
  7. Read sex guides for positions, tips on making the experience more comfortable for her and  for yourself. Read these together and again, try not to read when you are both naked in bed. Make it a serious discussion and ask her what her concerns/anxieties are about performing oral sex. Ask her if she had any traumatic past sexual experiences that may make oral sex (or any sex act) difficult for her.
  8. If your partner does agree to perform oral sex, you should not assume that she will be great the first time. It might be so awful that you never want to have oral sex with her again. But good sex is about being patient and giving feedback. If you shut off and do not tell her how she can improve, well then it is you, not her, who really sucks.

Ms. Sunshine replies:

Marriage doesn’t have to suck, dear one, and neither does your wife. There is an entire world of desires to discover, arouse and fulfill. Don’t let one act define your whole sexual experience. Great sex is born in the mind and matures through great communication before it’s fully realized in the joyous seisms of our snuggled naughty bits.

For many of us, sexual desire is tied up in feelings of shame and sin. This is often the result of poor sex education. Young women, especially, often have little or no experience understanding their own desires before they’re asked to fulfill someone else’s.

You can overcome your problems by taking the time to discuss what makes both of you feel good. Honest, compassionate communication can help clear misunderstanding, build trust, and deepen mutual respect. Also, talking and learning about different sex acts can be fun foreplay.

While each of you has a right to expect sexual fulfillment, neither of you has an obligation to provide any particular sex act. There is nothing wrong with your desire for oral sex. There is nothing wrong with her for not wanting to provide it. Let this knowledge be your starting point for conversation. Instead of trying to convince her that she should do something she doesn’t like, spend time exploring what she does enjoy.

Listen to her concerns and find respectful ways to address them. Avoid, blame, guilt and coercion. Talk about each of your desires and negotiate ways to fulfill them. There will be a lot of crossover between what excites her and what arouses you. And, if you’re creative with your own tongue, she may discover a desire to reciprocate. But no single sex act can replace the intimacy you build through honest and compassionate communication. Those pave the way to a lifetime of great orgasms.

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10 Comments on “Advice: Marriage Sucks”

  1. LilBabyTiger says:

    I want to marry you both. Simultaneously. This is the most sound advice I have ever read about sex. Ever. :)

  2. Impressed says:

    nicely done! good advice from both of you, written in unique and appropriately on-the-level voices.

  3. Ahlam says:

    there could be several instances as to why she may not want to do it, and you’d have to be considerate

    in the Quran, it says you can’t have anal sex right? maybe there is an ayat that states other restrictions as to what you may and may not do during sex.

    another could be the fact that she doesn’t want something dirty in her mouth, and you have to respect her in that sense and accept it. yes, you can talk and ask her why, but then again it is her choice to say yes or no, obviously you two have a right over one another, but if she gives legitimate reasons you have to understand

    communication helps, but body language is key. sometimes its embarrassing for people to reveal what they want you to do to them because you don’t want to think about it the next day, i know i’m like this. so you have to see what pleases her/her pleasing you.

    i’d also ask Allah for help on this, he is the changer of hearts, as for he may change hers, allahu alim

  4. visitor says:

    hah. very good point of discussion but… wow. the tone of the question points out half the problem. the word “aggravate” aggravates me :) i appreciate the measured, sound advice of the responders, and i truly hope the poster takes it to heart. i’d also remind the poster that many muslims DO believe that oral sex is haraam, or that swallowing or taking semen into the mouth would be haraam at least, and saying “should I remind her that it’s not” is just as intolerant of a viewpoint as the wife “reminding” her husband that it is haraam. maybe she comes from a background where she believes it is. “reminding her” that it’s not may not be as fruitful as both discussing your beliefs about this act, where they come from and what supports those beliefs. and apart from that, many muslim women grow up with a huge variety of, for lack of a better phrase, sexual hangups. although i understand this may not be the experience of the poster’s wife, growing up as a non-dating muslim, being exposed as americans to endless and often incorrect information about sex, developing ALL your ideas of sex based on that since you have no experience at all, and getting married and finding out it’s actually much messier and more awkward than you thought, until you get the hang of it, presents many difficulties upon marriage like this one. it’s something nooooobody ever talks about and i hope this column eventually addresses :)
    most important though i feel like the poster needs to communicate with his wife and open up his attitude towards this issue. he’s got a lot of assumptions going on that are leading to negativity. feeling aggravated that his wife doesn’t do this thing he wants when other women did it for him is just… not a healthy place for the two of them to be. she’s not those other women. she’s his wife. and this is so well said: “There is nothing wrong with your desire for oral sex. There is nothing wrong with her for not wanting to provide it.” best wishes to you both… to us all!

  5. Shaykh Ahmad Abdul-Muhsin says:

    Oral sex is PROHIBITED in Islam by the Quran and by common sense. 2:222 translates as “…then when they have cleansed themselves, go to them as Allah has commanded you; surely Allah loves those who turn to Him much and He loves those who purify themselves.” It does not matter that the beginning of the verse relates to menstruation. Putting your mouth on private parts is not where Allah has commanded human beings to fulfill their sexual instincts and pleasures despite what any so-called mufti says, and it is most certainly not an action of those who turn to Him frequently and love to PURIFY themselves. How can one put their mouth and tongue which is used to recite the majestic verses of the Quran and Allah’s dhikr on places where urine and excrement are released and allow ejaculate to enter the mouth? This is another insane perversion of the pure path of Islam due to the excesses of the time in which we live, and the issue will be legitimized Islamically and individually as “my belief” to continue the practice of oral sex. Mark my words, if these kind of things continue to be legitimized by the wrong understanding of the ummah, Islam will become indistinguishable from all the other spiritual paths that allow these things including homosexuality. If you have any respect for the Prophet of Allah, keep your mouths for where they are intended despite the urgings of your lower sexual instincts.

    • Muslimah says:

      Dude! How do you know they’re not “intended” for that place? For many people in this world, the mouth has many more than just the purpose of eating and talking.

    • Rabia says:

      So many fallacies. So little time.

      • JC says:

        The permissibility of Oral Sex is somewhat disputed. There appears to not be any specific or explicit prohibition. The argument for its permissibility draws from the notion that foreplay is an essential part of the sexual act between a married couple, and, in one narration, the Prophet (SAWS) actually forbade a person from engaging in the act of intercourse without first engaging in foreplay. Here are some of the hadith cited in support of oral sex:

        The Prophet of Allah (swt) said, “Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horse and playing with one’s wife”. (Sunan Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Ibn Majah).

        Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said: “One of you should not fulfil one’s (sexual) need from one’s wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.” (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)

        Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (Allah have mercy on him) reports in his famous “Tibb al-Nabawi” that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay. (See: al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 183, from Jabir ibn Abd Allah)

        The argument is that is if you include oral sex as part of foreplay, then, absent a specific prohibition in the Qur’an and Sunnah, then it would be acceptable. The counter argument is that why/how could a person put their tongue/mouth, which is used for reciting Qura’n and remembering Allah (Swt) on the genitals where urine and excrement come from, as well as the unanimous acceptance of the impurity of genital secretions (which require ghusl and cleaning of clothing at minimum) and introducing those secretions into the mouth.

        So to say it is “PROHIBITED” itself actually violates a very important COMMAND in the Qura’n: DO NOT MAKE WHAT IS HARAM, HALAL, and DO NOT MAKE WHAT IS HALAL, HARAM. There IS a difference of opinion, and may Allah (swt) forgive us if we select that which displeases Him. But as long as we keep our intention pure – to please Allah (swt) by pleasuring our spouse, it is an act of Ibadah. Wallahu A’lam

  6. abu hassan says:

    “Sheikh”, YOU NEED TO FEAR ALLAH WHEN SAYING SOMETHING IS PROHIBITED WITHOUT CLEAR PROOF. The act of speaking on God’s behalf without legit proof is DISGUSTING and it is a Major sin in Islam. There is no proof in the Quran and Sunnah that states that oral sex is prohibited. Allah made this entire dunya for the believers to enjoy and the rule that is well established in usool al fiqh is that “all mundane transactions are allowed unless proven haram.” If there are some people who don’t like oral sex. that is their problem, but that has no bearing on the Sharia ruling. The Prophet peace be upon him didn’t like Dhabb meat (type of lizard). The sahaba asked if it was haram and he said no, it is just not from the food of my people. Do you know what the great companion Khalid ibn al waleed said in response……PASS THE DHABB PLEASE!

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