Advice: Cheated on by a pious Muslim man
Posted: January 24, 2013 Filed under: Let's Talk About Sex (InshAllah) | Tags: advice, american muslims, Divorce, infidelity, Love InshAllah, marriage, Ms. Sunshine, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, Shy Desi Boy 15 Comments »Dear Love InshAllah:
My husband is cheating on me. I found out because he wasn’t logged out of his Facebook account – I saw messages between him and a non-Muslim co-worker of his in which he’s trying to break things off (I’ve met this woman a few times at his office gatherings). We have a 2 year old son and have been trying for a second baby. I never ever imagined that I would be in this situation. My husband is a practicing Muslim (prays, fasts, doesn’t drink) and was a virgin when we got married – no one would ever believe me if I told them he cheated on me. I’m so angry but also humiliated and embarrassed. I have no idea what to do.
Signed,
Cheated on by a pious Muslim man
Ms. Sunshine replies:
Your world has just been turned upside down. You trusted, made yourself vulnerable, and now you’re probably questioning so much of what you thought you knew. The more people you’ve consulted, and advice you’ve sought, the more voices in your head, competing for your attention.
This is a confusing time.
First, you must take care of yourself. If your husband has been this careless with your heart, you cannot trust that has been careful with your body. Contact your doctor, Planned Parenthood, or any other facilities that offer low-cost healthcare. Schedule a test for sexually transmitted infections. Let your husband know that there will be no sex unless and until he does the same.
If you and your spouse decide to try and heal this rift, you will need help. While friends, in-laws, and sheikhs may be well meaning, they are not always the best choice for help in navigating the bumpy terrain of infidelity. A neutral third party, preferably a licensed counselor, can be an invaluable guide through the anger, insecurity, fear, hurt and myriad other emotions that are a natural part of the healing process.
Marriage is a sacred bond, a contract before God and trusted witnesses. The decision to void that contract should not be taken lightly. But the Qur’an makes it clear that marriage should be a source of comfort and support, not misery. Marriages can recover from infidelity, but the road is long and difficult. It requires painful honesty, extraordinary mercy, and a lot of hard work. You’re not a failure, a bad parent or an inferior Muslim if you can’t do it.
If you decide that there is no way to fix what’s been broken, then you need to consider the easiest path out of this marriage. I highly recommend Stuart Webb’s “The Collaborative way to Divorce.” It’s unlikely that a book can substitute for the advice of a qualified lawyer, but the advice can help keep you thinking clearly about the best possible outcome for all involved. Allah (swt) advises us the end of a marriage should be kind and respectful. Thinking of divorce as a collaborative, rather than an antagonistic process can go a long way to ensuring that kind and respectful ideal.
Shy Desi Boy replies:
The first woman I loved cheated on me. I was in my early twenties and it felt exactly like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the villain rips someone’s heart out. Many years have passed and I won’t lie: it does not get better. It just gets different.
So I am not going to quote a hadith about how what happens makes us all stronger or better because it sucks to be cheated on and all I learned from the experience was, well, how much it sucks. Which is to say this, Cheated on by a pious Muslim man: I am very sorry this happened to you. It is beyond awful. I know because it happened to me.
When I was younger and I learned that Hugh Grant cheated on the sublimely beautiful Elizabeth Hurley, I wondered: what was he thinking? Because back then I thought cheating could be understood in rational terms—if your partner looks like Hurley why would you cheat? That is such a male understanding of cheating and sadly it is one that I bought into.
But now I no longer think that way. It is unfair to the woman because it tends to shift the blame on to her—what was her shortcoming? If Hurley is attractive, why would Grant do this?
Now I believe the focus should be squarely and solely on the cheater. Cheating is about the cheater—in this case it is his deficiency, not yours, and please do not think that you are at all responsible for his dishonesty.
What your husband did is awful and I believe you should confront him. He will say that you should not have been looking at his Facebook account but that is no defense. I accept that there should be privacy in marriage but when there is doubt, I do believe a spouse should feel the space in a relationship to speak out.
I have also learned that there is no “cheating type” or conversely no “faithful type.” I have seen a man happily in love—with a great sex life, or so he tells me—cheat on his gorgeous wife. I have known a friend go for repeated trips to hajj and only to learn later that she was cheating on her husband.
Let’s look at three scenarios. I have a friend who left her husband after he cheated on her. She is now happy again with an amazing partner who I adore. I have another friend who left her husband and she has not found love again. When we hang out, she always wonders if she could have reconciled, if she could have forgiven him for his transgression.
Another friend of mine is now living as a single mother after her husband cheated on her and she is the happiest I have ever seen her. One couple I know—where it was the wife who cheated on the husband—have worked out their differences through extensive therapy and now have a young child.
In many ways I think we need to expand our definition of infidelity. Indeed perhaps the worst form is when you become physically intimate with another person. But I have seen all sorts of transgressions in relationships. What if your partner is constantly chatting with a person online, sharing a forming of emotional intimacy that you do not experience with your partner? What if your partner is sexually faithful but is a compulsive flirt, which makes you feel just as small as if he had slept with another woman?
How then to move forward? Regardless of what you chose, I strongly believe that professional therapy—for both of you—is important. If there is one thing I wish I could tell my 20 year old self, it is this: your heart is much more fragile than you think. Maybe therapy would have helped me back then—I certainly needed it.
Because I am not so sure I have ever recovered from being cheated on. And because of that, I have not allowed myself to give or to receive the love I know I can. That is my failing–not the woman who cheated on me.
I wish you the best, Cheated on by a pious Muslim man, and wishing that whatever happens, your heart remains open to receive the love that you deserve.
–
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Shy Desi Boy I really loved your reply it is surely hard to accept a cheater, and even if you do its hard to remain the way you were before. At the same time though we should even self-evaluate our own self that did we do anything that could have promoted such an act by our partner. Though we are not to be blamed at any cost, because it was our better half who can’t control themselves. But sometimes its also could be a reason for a few people.
I am so, so, so, so, so sorry for your situation. It is absolutely horrific and heartbreaking. My now-husband cheated on me – but before we got married – so I am not claiming to understand your particular pain, but I have felt a cheating pain before. I found out from text messages on his iphone that he had been intimate with someone else, while we were in a non-physical engagement because of both of our commitment to Islamic courtship – yea right. Anyway, I ended things immediately and informed my parents that the wedding was off. Months later, after hearing an amazing khutbah during Ramadan about the power of forgiveness, I forgave him. We proceeded to get married. We have a 16 month old son and one on the way. Our marriage is difficult and it is wrought with distrust. Since he transgressed before our marriage I took the opportunity to write a very, very detailed prenup. I tripled the amount of maher that I asked for. I made him sign a contract with a detailed list of women that are OK to speak to and NOT OK to speak to. I have all of his online account passwords and monitor them frequently. I made it clear to him that he lost all privilege of privacy in our relationship. He willingly obliged to all of these requests. This to me was testament that he wanted desperately to be forgiven and to reconcile and to be in a trusting marriage. As time goes on, my trust regains, little by litte, as I see how he repents. For you – of course I want you to be together as a family – but you need to be sure that he regrets what he did and seeks repentance and is willing to do anything to be with you. May Allah bless you with strength and strength and more strength, ameen.
salaams,
can you please share the name of the khutba and the person who delivered it? would it be available online do you think?
I really would like to hear it. more like need to.
Please either reply here or email me the link or name if possible: massey.eng@gmail.com
Jazakallah
I’m so sorry for your pain. My now ex-husband cheated on me with Lottie, Dottie, and everybody and was seen as an upstanding young husband and stable provider. I’ll share the words of wisdom that the officiant at my wedding told me: it takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to mess it up. If your marriage is to survive, both of you must be equally invested in rebuilding the trust that was shattered. But this means that if both of you aren’t equally invested in rebuilding this trust, you can either limp on a with marriage full of mistrust and resentment (I do not recommend this, but it happens), or consider separating.
Only you can know how much work you’re willing or able to do, how much you can endure, and whether you are more afraid of staying or separating. But remember this: you can only control your actions. You cannot force your husband to quit cheating, come to therapy or anything else. Even if you could coerce promises or drag him to the therapist’s office, you wouldn’t regain a life partner; you’d have a slave. That also works in converse; he cannot force you to find his cheating acceptable, and depending on the laws where you are, he may not force you to remain married to him, either.
Until you can decide together whether to work on your marriage or part ways, take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I strongly recommend therapy for yourself, as well as prayer, physical exercise (it’s much healthier to punch a bag than your husband), and any other healthy way you use to relieve stress. You may need to prepare for divorce, in which case I recommend a chat with a lawyer. In any case, the way forward won’t be easy. Be gentle with yourself.
Reblogged this on PostModern Muslima.
While my circumstance is a lot different than yours, I connect with your words. I, like every other poster, remind you that you must take care of yourself (spiritually and physically). I offer you some words that I have found calmed me.
*Please remember that your experience and marriage was a blessing from Allah in its own format. Please remember that one who transgresses with Allah azawajaal will surely transgress against a human being (therefore he must rectify his transgressions against his Creator before anything). Please also know that Allah has provided for you and He is the best friend you will ever have. Please know that your anger is justified but remember that human beings surely are weak and it is better to exude class (for your own wellbeing). Please remember that Allah has permitted divorce; Our creator knows our nature. As for the people who will talk about you and yours, please know that Allah has promised to deal with them in a specific way. Take care of your mind and your child.
I end with the kind words of the poster above: Be gentle with yourself.
Beautiful mashallah! Your words touched my heart and inshAllah they bring comfort to all those who read it.
My heart goes out to all those whose hearts have been broken in this manner,
To me, cheating is doing anything with anyone else that you wouldn’t want your spouse knowing about. It is possible to be emotionally attached to someone without there being a physical relationship. And an emotional attachment, I feel, is a greater threat to a relationship than a purely physical one (the danger of STDs notwithstanding, of course).
All men are dogs, you just need to find the right dog and potty train it.
Yes. I said it.
S.
I’m afraid to say that, currently, I’m in agreement with you. I can’t see how my perception of men is going to change. Its sad.
I was very saddened to read this sister’s predicament. I have known others too who have been cheated on, and some have ended in divorce, some have reconciled, some are happy, some are less so. But every time I learn of such an incident, it breaks my heart for my Muslim brother or sister. Regardless of what path you choose, do it with the strong conviction in your heart that you are doing it for the Sake of Allah (swt), to earn his Pleasure, to do what is right.
I echo everything that anaturali wrote above. Allah (swt) has *promised* us with tests and trials, through hardship, poverty, emotional pain, physical pain, loss of loved ones, etc. Why your husband cheated has nothing to do with you – that is a result of his own failings and lack of Taqwa. Among those who are promised the Shade of Allah’s Thone on the Day of Judgment are those who resist being seduced by saying “I fear Allah” – a sign and testament to the person’s Taqwa. His being a “pious” Muslim may have only been skin deep. But your devotion to Allah (swt) must be firmly in your heart to get through this, regardless of what you choose to do.
Remember that this is also a test of your Taqwa and the strength of your Iman. Any adversity that befalls us should cause us to turn toward Allah (swt) for help, guidance and relief. It should help us to make an extra effort to be closer to Him in all that we do. That is the only way to pass this test (and it may be one of many), and will only result in your getting more Ajr and reward from Allah (swt) in the akhira. If we become resentful, display hatred and disgust for the spouse who did this to us, if we start to wonder why Allah (swt) let this happen to us, we start to stray away from our Creator, and begin to fail the test. Do everything with dignity, respect and confidence that Allah (swt) is with you always.
Also, finally, remember that Allah (swt) says “with every hardship, there comes ease; indeed with every hardship there comes ease.” (Surah Inshirah) Stay strong; remember Allah (swt) often, pray to Him for guidance, help, patience, mercy, and love, and He will deliver.
[...] I tripped across a Muslim woman’s letter, asking for advice on how to deal with the fact that her pious, Muslim husband had cheated on [...]
I want you to do of a couple of things first:
Firstly, Tell your husband that you know what he has done, and you are going to pray about what you should do next. Do not cry or let your voice crack. Practice if you must, but there can be no tears! He may shout or get sad or anything, but stand your ground. And then truly go pray. Ask Allah (swt) to remove him from your life if he is not meant to be there, and to make you stronger and better if he is supposed to be there.
Secondly, stop trying to get pregnant right now. This is not the time to bring in another life.
Thirdly, truly take some time and think if you can honestly forgive your husband. Do not ask him for details, it will kill you-believe me. You don’t want details of what happened or why he did it. Just ask yourself can you deal with the fact that they work together? Will be still work with this woman? Will he still speak with her ( if he truly wants to move forward he will cut off ALL communication with her,period).
The fact is your husband DID NOT leave you for this woman. He understood that he was wrong, and he left this other woman. This is a good sign. He knows that he was wrong, and surely Allah will not let him forget this injustice towards you and his religion! Ending your marriage will not fix what happened or make it not so. He messed up, badly. But by ending his affair he at least tried to make a mends. I am not making excuses for him, but trying to be honest. Also, think ( just think) if there is anything you could’ve done to contribute to his infidelity. I’m not saying it’s your fault but sometimes we can make it easier for someone to leave than we realize. Sometimes people cheat because they are lonely in the relationship. And then again there are people who cheat because they are feeling unfulfilled in life for some ridiculous reason. Is he not where he needs to be in his job, and are the men at that level adulterous? If so, he may need to just leave that company! A work culture that supports such habits is not good for anyone, Muslim or not, to work in and serve God at the same time. What about his friends? Sure your husband may have started pious, but we become the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. Are his friends pious and happily married? Do they curse their wives during ” guy time”? Are they even Muslim or married? Who his friends are matters a great deal.
There are many factors that you can think of, but I want you to try these 3 steps first. Marriage and life are not easy. Sometimes people slip up, break up, mess up an etc. It’s all about how you fix it. I will make du’a for you and inshallah you will be happy with whatever decision you choose. Be strong.
With love,
Ana
First wanna say that french is my mother tongue so i apologize for all the typo and grammar mistakes…
All your testimonies comfort me in a way; and it s the first time I m putting words in my pain. I also found out a couple of months ago that my husband was cheating on me with not only one but 2 women at the same time. Both of them he knew them from childhood. We have been married for almost 3 years and live in north America. We decided we want to go back home to his country to find a job( Although both from Africa we re from different countries). He left first. 5 months later, I joined him and discovered the affairs through facebook and his text messages.
What hurts and kills me the most is the following:
-He is a pious man. Went to hadj, pray,fast, even woke up at night for the night prayer; so I could NEVER NEVER imagined he could commit Zina.
-He was chating on the net with one of them at least a year before he left, telling her he is married however it he has some feelings for her. I read all their messages. Took me 5 hours. I remember at some point seeing some phone calls from her on his cell phone when we were still in the States and at that time he LIED (so disgusted by all the lies) and told me she is a childhood friend. I TRUSTED HIM
-The second one, well apparently she is a trash, going out with married men.
-Most of his family and his best friend knew what he was doing. I heard his mother called him once to give him advices, that he ignored.
So i m a fool? how could i be so Naive? did not see anything coming. He was calling me every single day telling me how he misses me. I feel so stupid.
So I confronted him, packed my stuff and headed to a hotel where i was going to take the next plane to get out. His mother and almost the entire family came to beg me (for those of you who know Africa this almost never happen in our culture). He apologized many times, ask for forgiveness and held the Quran in his hands in front of the whole family and swear that Shaitan misguided him. He contacted my family who pressure me to forgive.
All this happen within 2 days. Even my mother told me to be patient as it happened to her as well( out of respect for my parents won t give details) however I keep thinking: are we still living in the sixties when it comes to cheating husband? i m strong independent,intelligent, beautiful MUSLIM woman. Why should I stay. Yet he is my second husband( was married once before we where both way too young), if i move to a third husband, what is it to expect? I m in my late 30s and want some more kids (have one from my previous marriage) can i afford to leave him? is it more important to have kids then focusing on a husband s mistakes? so confused sometimes…
Anyway I gave him another chance however, i feel so resentful. Trust is gone. We now live in another African country where he has been appointed to work. Money is good, nice life, nice new friends Alhamdulli Allah. He gave me everything I want while I m in a search of a job. I feel i still love him but it seems so hard to forgive him. So there are “ups and downs”. Some days i m really smiley, others i even curse him so bad for what he is done. He was patient at first, but now we fight anytime i bring the subject. I feel I m the one who supposed to be angry not you. This whole thing damaged our relationship so bad.
So, i more than understand your pain. will it get better? I don t know. For the moment I will advise: Pray deeply and then confront him calmly and take one day at the time.
Allah knows the best.
Hi I have recently spent a lot of time learning about the islamic faith. I am christian but love all things I am reading. But 9 out of the 10 muslim men I have met always end up married and trying to have sex with me. They flurt like crazy and treat you like a princess. I think for a vast number that is how they do it. From what I have learnt this is wrong. In my past I have been cheated on several times and I know what your feeling but I do believe you will never move past it. It will turn you crazy. Every time they are out or their phone rings your mind will torture you. I am a single mum and I refuse to stay with a man who has broken my trust even after he has known about my past heart ache. I would never cheat and these men turn me cold I could not touch a man who had a wife and children but plenty of people have no morals these days. I do believe though if it truely did follow his faith like u say he does this would not even have happened. He did not lower his gaze and started a friendship which led to sex. Allah has put in plenty of barriers to prevent this. Yet he has strayed from his path. Please for your own sake dont kid your self and think it won’t happen again. Thanks Sorry if I was blunt