A Man’s Take on “Arranged” Marriage

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The response to our post, “Arranged” Marriage, was overwhelming. We heard from hundreds of readers expressing sympathy and concern for the writer forsaking the man she loved for another due to family pressure.

The post left us curious to hear a man’s perspective, especially as we edit our upcoming anthology Salaam Love:  Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and Intimacy (Valentine’s Day 2014, Beacon Press). We’re publishing one male response we received, below.   

 ***

My name  is “Fuz,” and I loved a woman who married someone else. She claimed that she loved me until the day of her marriage.

Why did she marry someone else if we loved each other? The usual suspects: family, honor and, most of all, religion.

The principal problem, she says, was my religion.

I am a Muslim, and always have been. Her family thought otherwise. My sect of Islam was not acceptable to them. Because I could never fully understand their hate for my religious convictions, I might be inaccurately portraying their disapproval. I don’t know, but it didn’t make sense to me.

They didn’t approve because they thought I was a kafir and my nikah (marriage) with her would not have been jaiz (permissible).

The sectarianism was mutually enforced. My parents had a similar disdain for the idea of our marriage. Regardless, I had no confusion as to what I should or should not do for my parents. I firmly believed that marrying a person of my choice was my inalienable right.

But, the girl was not a rebel – I was.  Her only rebellion was loving me. Even though she considered me Muslim enough, her parents’ beliefs and their flawed reasoning seemed more important than her happiness. They never even met me.  Yet, she dared to love me, and our love grew.

Let’s backtrack a little. How did we fall in love?

We went to the same graduate school and saw a lot of each other. We spent considerable time together and got to know one another other really well. It is safe to say that we saw the best and worst of our personalities. Despite this, we fell madly in love.

Love Inshallah readers who advocate arranged marriages would have argued we were an ideal paper match – similar schooling, same ethnic-national backgrounds and commensurate social standing. The only difference was our religious sects.

For Love InshAllah readers who are proponents of love marriages, we were made for each other. But she thought her parents would  not accept the marriage and we had to accept that. She was that traditional. She told me, “My parents have done good to me. They don’t deserve the burden of our marriage.” She caved in to her parent’s demands.

I tried to understand. I was accommodating. I was her best friend as she went through the trauma leading up to her marriage. Concealing my own trauma all the while, I suffered in silence. I saw the different directions she was being pulled in, and I didn’t want to add to her misery by pulling her in my direction.

Still, I hoped that she’d move in the direction of our love. I desperately hoped that she would realize I was worth the trouble. I prayed that she’d finally defy tradition and family and come to my side for a life partnership.

She claimed to be a feminist but her life decisions reinforced misogyny.

I promised that I’d protect her, give her shelter and comfort and whatever else she needed from me. She worried about the fate of our future children in terms of religious upbringing. I told her she would decide our children’s religious sect. Initially this reassured her, but later she made peace with the fact that her life would be lived according to conditions set by others.

She is married to someone else now. And I suffer.  I deal with a great deal of pain and anguish every single day.

Believe it or not, men too have a hard time being happy after they have loved someone sincerely. Moving on is easier said than done. For those who tell me time heals, I’d rather smack them than hear them out. I feel that I have lost a part of me and nothing will heal that.

One outcome of such a woman’s decision is the man she is married to – her husband. We do not yet know that story. Will he make her happy? Will she grow to love him? Most men do want their wives to love them. Would he feel betrayed if her knew her heart belonged to another on their wedding day?

But I am the other outcome: the disgruntled, sad lover of the woman who caved in. The one who honored a woman who became irrationally submissive to cultural norms and family constraints. I am the man who loved a woman who surrendered her life decisions to those who did not seem concerned about about her actual happiness.

I do not know how I will come through this. Will I be a man who cannot love again? Will I turn into a husband who will look for someone else in his wife, a replacement, and will therefore never give his wife the happiness that she deserves? Will I  always long for what can never be mine?

Before she got married, we mutually agreed to end all contact. Despite my longing, I stuck to the bargain. I did not contact her.

A day before her marriage, she messaged me: I love you so much. I don’t know how I will do this for life.

But she did it. She married another man.

Meanwhile, my love is still here. Waiting.

“Fuz” is a guy who was introduced to Love, Inshallah by the girl he loved. That girl is no longer in his life. But he has something to say to her in case she is reading this:

Hey B – I love you

Have a story to tell? Share it with us, here.


40 Comments on “A Man’s Take on “Arranged” Marriage”

  1. […] UPDATE 6/18: A male response to this post. […]

  2. SCM says:

    Heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope people will change…that the new generation will think differently.

  3. Jemi says:

    As I have said before for me Love, InshAllah is a cultural and educational project I’m from Puerto Rico and many puertorricans are ignornat abt theMuslim culture. I love the project and this new project seems to be wonderful. I didn’t know that exist the same problem that I lived with a Muslim man as a Christian woman, between Muslims from different sects. Thanks a lot for sharing, looking forward to read u guys :)

  4. nivaladiva says:

    Thank you Love, Inshallah writers for including a man’s perspective, and “Fuz” for sharing his heart and story with us. You sound like such a good man. I am so sorry for your pain and hers. I hope your heart will heal one day.

  5. This is truly heartbreaking..

  6. Zeenat says:

    Sad. And a side of the story we never hear about. The side of the one left behind.

    I know it’s hard to believe now, or ever. But to truly love someone, you have to be able to love them with everything you are. She never did. She broke promises, both those explicit and those implied. She betrayed you.

    You will heal, and move one. Hopefully, you will marry someone who loves you with everything you are and she is. Maybe her family will accept it. But even if they don’t, you will have each other and plenty of other loved ones behind you.

  7. hasina says:

    it made me cry,
    Many women in this situation fear lack of protection,comfort and support but he had promised her all of them.
    refreshing to hear a man perspective, thank you
    inshaAllah you can learn to be happy again.

    • am says:

      Very sad. I was dating someone who was a non-Muslim man (I am a sunni muslim woman). we kept it hidden for years. once my parents knew, they flipped (nicest way to say it). we broke up (due to religion, but also other things). in the long run, I knew it was for the best, not cuz my parents got their way, but cuz it would not have been for the best for those other, many reasons I realized upon reflection.
      this said, I now realize all of the missed opportunities I had when I was younger (I am now 35) that I missed out for the reasons noted in this essay. I am now dating someone half-muslim, but worry about it being too late to have children if we do marry. it is hard being a woman in this community. either way, it is hard to know what side to choose, as they all ultimately have costs.

      • Please don’t feel you are old, you’re NOT! And please don’t worry about children, if Allah wills that children are to be part of your life you will have children. And if not then try to realize that another path is meant for you; don’t let anyone tell you such a life is a lesser one, all life paths are a gift from Allah, and as such are something to cherish and use as well as you are able.

      • am says:

        thanks Chicagomuslima! that is sweet.

  8. Asifa says:

    This breaks my heart.. I feel for you my brother in this deen.. I am sure you will find a great life partner and you will love her as you have never loved before.

  9. gregschina says:

    This sucks.
    It infuriates me to see that somebodies love life is dictated the xenophobia and “fear for ramifications on family name”.
    Although I’m not a parent, I know that when I am the number one thing on my mind will be the happiness of my child, not what people think about me.
    Sorry you had to lose the one you loved, Fuz.

  10. Too many men are unwilling to share their feelings as you have. Thank you for your courage to go against the norm. And thank you for uncovering the cruelty of sectarianism. Please remember that Allah never gives you more than you can bear, and continue to live your life with courage and grace.

  11. Ali says:

    Fuz,

    Much praise for being open and emotionally available. You’re a good person who will bring happiness in the lives and hearts of many people. I hope you find someone who can fully embrace who you are and where you’re from. Also, I wish she finds balance and makes the most of her situation.

    Ironic how our parents leave their previous life behind to establish a life in a new country for the sake of liberation and greater freedom; only to place their progeny delicately and precariously in social and religious entrapment.

    Ali

  12. Mrs_I says:

    This truly left me heartbroken … I am still wiping away tears. I am so glad dear Fuz you had the courage and open-heartedness to share your story. The lines that got to me the most were “Will I be a man who cannot love again? Will I turn into a husband who will look for someone else in his wife, a replacement, and will therefore never give his wife the happiness that she deserves? Will I always long for what can never be mine?”

    I will say this: Right now you cannot fathom ever finding someone else who will capture your heart as much as “B” has. But I guarantee you will, and it will be infinitely better. Because it will be a woman who truly loves your incredible generosity of spirit and compassion, and your ability to give your heart the way you have in the past, AND she will have the strength of character and mind to follow her heart to you and make a happy, blissful life with you. This woman was not that. Far from it. For her to tell you the day before her marriage she still loves you and doesn’t know how she will carry on, is undeniably cruel. It shows incredible weakness of character – is this someone worth loving, in the long run?

    She is deceiving not only herself but another innocent man too, and ruining his life … all for what? Because she does not have the conviction of her heart and the bravery to stand up to her family and relatives? What of this other man who has married her and most probably with the best of intentions, thinking she has a free heart to love him and be fully present in the marriage? What about his life? How many lives is she ruining because she is lying to herself and her family out of cowardice and fear?? Is she now going to bring children into this sham of a marriage, knowing her heart isn’t in it, with children being well aware when mommy and daddy don’t love each other? How could she have not at least been fair to the groom and admitted that she loves someone else, so at least he would have full knowledge of the bride he was marrying and could make an informed decision at that point, whether to go through with the wedding or not?

    I know I may seem unduly harsh about condemning “B”, and I do realize family pressure can be agonizing and brutal to bear, but really, if you are choosing to spend time with someone (i.e. you, Fuz) and fall in love over the years, then you’d better be able top back it up and follow through in the long-run, otherwise don’t waste people’s time and energy if you knew all along you’re too weak to face your family with the truth and in the end will capitulate to their demands no matter what. She had no business stringing you along and carrying on with you if it was not leading to an actual commitment. She may never confess to this, but she probably knew fairly early on she could never have a life with you, yet never put a stop to it. She could see over the years how much you had fallen for her and yet continued to play with your heart knowing she would never have the full courage to commit. As an earlier commenter wrote, it is a betrayal. On many levels.

    Yes, I am partially writing this so maybe “B” can see this and realize what she has done, and the enormity of the damage she has caused in so many lives. If her parents and family are blind to it (obviously they had no problem putting their morals aside and deceiving this groom too and marrying their daughter off to him, knowing full well she loves someone else and not revealing this salient fact to him or his family), then at least she could have stood up to all the lies and deception and declared she would not be a part of it and ruin someone else’s life by marrying him under false pretenses.

    I have seen this happen time and again with friends and distant relatives, and it disgusts me.

    Islamic marriage (or any marriage, for that matter) has to be between TWO willing and fully-informed partners. Anything else is haram. Period. If our dear Prophet (pbuh) was alive today, he would have said the same thing (as he has said in the past).

    In the end Fuz, you have lost nothing. You may not see this now (it will take a long while, I know), but things will be clear, and you will see that God saved you from being with a woman who did not have the courage of her convictions, and the courage to truly open her heart and give her love to you, as you have done for her. God has an even greater love planned for you, because He can see the purity of your love, and He will ensure it is not wasted on the wrong person. It will be reserved for the One who can give this love in kind, with no hesitation. The key is not to close your heart to that after this experience. As long as your heart remains open, honest, willing and with good intentions, He will provide. You just never know when. Believe me, I speak from experience.

    “With every difficulty, there is relief.”

    • Lonely Soul says:

      I agree with you Mrs I for most part except i do believe you are a little bit harsh on the girl. Women are perceived weak if they fall in line, but it is really their strength that they carry everything on their head silently. I can identify with her thought process “Be good to someone who is already in your life rather than who will be”. This is not betrayal to you Fuz. But it simply shows she was a loyal person. Probably, that is why you two got along, as you are great guy too, Fuz. But try to think, when you can, you loved her for the person she was and not superficially. You know her and have memories with her. Right now, when you think of a future “wife/partner” with whom you have shared nothing yet. You tend to think you can never love anyone the same. But think about this, if this future “wife/partner” is sweet, caring, loving, kind and gentle like how you are, Fuz. Tell me how is it possible that the great guy that Fuz is will not fall in love with her. And then my friend, you can compare if you can love again or not. Truly, what happened was a travesty. But i blame the parents. Both your parents because this was not an inter-religious marriage which can be complicated. Both are Muslim. And Allah decides who truly is Muslim. I know, right now, it is difficult to believe, if you will ever make it out of this. But then my friend, people die, loved ones will leave us one day as death takes them away or us away ! People cry, wiggle and are hopeless but Allah has made us in a way that we carry through. This is what i believe in my heart that one day it will not hurt , of course, you will not forget. But it won’t hurt anymore when you think of it or talk about it. Because you will have new memories with your loved ones and the hurt will be wiped away by their love.”Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” Prayers for you, friend. Smile

      • Lonely Soul says:

        It has been three days since i read this and i can’t sleep. I keep thinking about this guy and it only makes me cry. I hope you are okay, buddy. One thing i dont understand you say you are the rebel. But then why this. you honoured the girls decision who was honouring her parents decision. So you were honouring their decisions? Instead, of pulling her towards you, you consoled her and comforted her as she walked down that path. This sounds more like assisted suicide. But we are all old enough to know that is the world is not fair and that we have to fight for what should be our right. Maybe she would have moved with a little more effort if you weren’t playing “Maid of Honour”. Sorry i don’t want to be harsh. But i believe that the religious aspect was important to not just your parents but to both of yourselves too maybe less than the parents but still there. That is why the hesitation. In that case even if you had won her over and she had come to your side she might well have regretted it and it could have potentially spoiled your relationship. Because one only misses what one cannot have, now you miss her and she misses you, I am sure. But if you would have fought the parents, she or maybe even you could have ended up thinking that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do. There can be n number of analysis of anything that has gone wrong. But it has happened. The past three days have been troublesome for me as reading this over and over again has complicated the grief of my own life that i was going through. But i prayed for you. And i will continue to pray for both of you. I pray that you find the most wonderful woman and have a peaceful and happy life (for her too).

  13. […] A Man’s Take on “Arranged” Marriage […]

  14. Anonymous says:

    Fuz, this truly opened my eyes…to look at it all from the perspective of the guy…the guy who is also part of the relationship (sometimes we forget), ready to stand up and face his family for his love, but in the end is waiting for the girl to do the same. I am in a similar position as your B…I have fallen head over heals for a man who is of a different sect, and it is getting so serious that I will not be happy with anyone else. I have not told my parents yet…being the eldest, I carry so much of my parent’s reputation and happiness on my back that I really cannot get the courage to stand up and face them, and society. The love just happens…you cannot control it. I know you do not want to hear this, but stepping up against societal norms is tough. We live in a progressive society but unfortunately our culture is still stuck centuries back. People are making the move, people are changing it, but it will take time. If you knew what sort of turmoil B was in, with the added pain that she was deeply hurting and consciously betraying the man she had once resolved she would spend the rest of her life with, you would understand that it is not so easy. She will have to live with this pain and sadly, the “what if” each and every day. I hope this is not the end to the story of Fuz and B, and that Allah iA steps in and helps the love that he instilled in you both conquer over all else. Thank you for this article. To know that I could hurt the man that I love on this level, really opens my eyes.

  15. Salaam Fuz. Wallahi this is heartbreaking :(. All this time, usually it’s the women part who are said to be suffering the most in arranged marriage, and that men are to blame in the name of misogyny. Thank you for sharing your story and opened our eyes to see different side. Men of course are human beings too and have hearts, and they can hurt too when being denied love. But we often put all the blame on them.

    Can’t understand why all the fuss about this sect and that sect? Why can’t all of us be just muslims and brothers/sisters in Islam peacefully to each other, no division or label, just unity. Maybe only in utopia :(.

    • am says:

      yeah, agreed — I wonder if most muslims even know the differences between the various sects. many views are based on stereotypes, I feel.

  16. hanan says:

    I was rooting for you, dude, up until i got to this line:
    “She claimed to be a feminist but her life decisions reinforced misogyny.”
    how about you learn to respect her decision and let her go? if she chose to obey her parents, then so be it. subhanaAllah. move on!

    • Mrs_I says:

      Wow, way harsh Hanan. Guess you’ve never been in love to be able to so dismissively say let her go and move on. Easier said than done.

      And what is it about her decision he should “respect”? That she’s participating in the same immoral deception and lies that her parents are, and entering into a marriage on false pretenses? Just what is so “respectful” about any of that?

      Once we stop looking at our parents/family as infallible gods and people to obey/not to shame even if it goes against our God-given morality, then maybe we can see that only God is our true parent and family, and it is only He we need to look to and not shame. Then maybe young women will finally have the backbone and courage to stop obeying family blindly and without thought and push back against arranged marriages based on deceit and lies.

      It is to God we return to, and to Him we return to alone. No family or parents will be there with us when we have to answer to God. So, in the grand scheme of things, I ask, what importance is there really, to so-called “honoring” family and “not bringing shame” to your parents?

      After all, are you not bringing a much bigger shame to God when you agree to these deceptive arranged marriages, just to obey and “not shame” your parents?

  17. Would you buy a house because you love the appliances knowing that the roof is unstable and may fall on your head? She may have loved you but she didn’t love you ‘that’ much. Get over it and move on. If people are not mature enough to respect and tolerate each other’s religious perspectives, let such people marry only people with identical beliefs as themselves, otherwise they will just be a source of suffering for each other. Romeo and Juliet has been written a long time ago. We don’t need any more versions.

  18. […] A Man’s Take on “Arranged” Marriage (loveinshallah.com) […]

  19. Mystic says:

    Your story is so tragic. It could have been different if cultural norms didn’t support arranged marriages. I think that this is what is at the root of my dislike for arranged marriages where those marrying are treated as mere chattels, part of the bargain that is being made between two families. It is so hard.

  20. Noor says:

    It is very unfortunate but the Moral of the story is > Never start something when you know it wont happen! Both should never have brought it to this point when they knew it wont happen. This was not true love, it was just a passer by. You will find your true love bro. Its not the end of the world. I was also madly in love with somebody and it did not happen because parents did not agree. But then I got married to someone else and he got married to some one else. By the Grace of God, we both are so happy in our lives. We have NO CONTACT and I don’t even want to. It messes up the mind and disrupts your home life and your LIFE period, like it is happening to you right now. It was Just not meant to be. Allahtallah created woman from a man’s RIB. Her rib did not match yours. The woman who is carrying your Rib will come along and you will be a very happy with her man. Your true love will come. Just let this woman live her live and you live yours. It is so unfair on her husband and morally it is not right. Forget her and hold on to our creator. Don’t waste you Energy Romeo. Fall in love with God and beautiful things will happen in your life. Trust in Allah. Lots of blessings. God bless you.

    • Momina says:

      i so agree with your very first statement. However wrong and unjustified the demands of the involved parents and the decision of the girl may seem, they did not fall right out of sky one fine day. They were always there. And so her parents would never have agreed and she would never have fought against them. It was true even when you were falling in love. Still both of you chose to ignore this, especially the girl, if she knew this, why go ahead and follow your emotions and string on someone ? Please don’t make your life hell, thinking she was the one and you were made for each other. This is a myth. There is no ONE. Nobody is perfect. She wasn’t either. You’ll were just two people who happen to have a good time together and forgot the reality. In all honesty you two were not as synced up as you claim to be. You have as good a chance with anyone else, only if you try. Our mind plays game with us and this was what it was all about. You got into something that was doomed from the start and now think it could have been so great if only so and so agreed. Clearly, you are deluding yourself. Sorry for the harsh words. It hurts now. But you will be better,Insha-Allah, if you try. And don’t bother i will take the smack, you are just sad ;-).

  21. […] Article Source:- http://loveinshallah.com/2013/06/18/a-mans-take-on-arranged-marriage/#more-3569 […]

  22. Sumaiya says:

    I am a woman…n the exact same thing is happening to me.is it true that webreally cant forget the true love of our lives? How will a woman cope with that? :(

  23. Zaki says:

    I am in a similar position right now. I am a man that is in love with a woman, K, and she is just as madly in love with me. The difference is that she has not yet married the man her family wants her to marry. Thoughts are always going through my head; What will she do? Can she actually go through with marrying another man when she has me in her heart and mind? Should I approach her family even though she has told me not to approach them for fear of bringing shame on her and her family? Who is hurting more? Her? Me? or both equally torn apart? I know she has said that she wishes she was dead and did not have to make such a choice. For the longest time she has said to me “I do not know what I want. My family or you. My family will make me choose, I know they will.”

    As of now, she has said that she has agreed to get engaged to the man her family has chosen. We have tried to cut off contact with each other several times but when we re-lapsed and sent messages it was filled with “I miss talking to you. It is very difficult. I want to keep you in my life.”

    I have read and read all over the web, Qur’an, sunnah, and hadith. The vast majority of what I find supports us being together; we are both Sunni Muslims, very compatible, have a great chemistry, closer to each other than we have ever even thought we could be with someone, and our cultures are similar. The biggest difference is that she comes from a Pakistani family that believes in marrying within their caste. Meanwhile, my family is from Afghanistan and although my family prefers me to marry an Afghan woman, they have seen my love for K. Immediately after I told my family that it is all over she is going to be engaged with another man, I just looked down at the floor of the dining room for a while. My parents said, “We think it is best.” Then they offered to call her parents or go to her house and speak to her parents. I said no it is okay, as much as I want to keep fighting for her she also needs to prove that she really wants this too. She has to help fight with me, not leave it to be one person doing all the work to hear the other only give in to her parents and answer “No, I will be with who my parents choose.”

    Finally, we have stopped talking and she seems to be convinced she will only choose who her parents decide for her. It has been 16 days since we last talked. A friend said to me, “maybe deep down she wants you to keep fighting for her no matter what she says, like when a woman says you don’t have to buy me flowers they will just die but deep down of course she wants to get flowers from the man she loves.” I thought and thought about that. I have come to the decision that I need to go and at least notify her parents of my feelings for their daughter. We met a year and half ago at work and I have not been able to get her off of my mind or out of my heart since that moment. I will be as respectful as I can be and let them judge me as they want, but I will also ask them to question if their daughter, K, has similar feelings or that if she would actually be happy with me as her husband? Can the parents and their daughter both agree that we are very compatible? Nobody will ever be perfect, but life isn’t perfect. Could we share our values with one another and help lead good lives together? Also, maybe her father’s strict demeanor has placed enough distance between him and her that she does not have an accurate sense of how he will receive my offer of engagement.

    Basically I will approach her parents and let them choose if they will accept me or not. I know parents want their child’s happiness the most, thus if they even have an idea I am the one that will make their daughter truly smile and be happy in life they will have no choice but to ask her opinion. Then, it will truly be in the hands of her parents and her, as of now they do not even know about me and are unable to decide if they approve or not. It is scary in a way because she told me how much she fears being hurt by her family or bringing shame on them. I don’t even know if she is already engaged or if that guy will be visiting their house when I try to approach the parents. Only time will tell. This is my attempt because I know otherwise I will only regret never asking K’s parents.

    Thanks to Fuz and the lady’s version of their true stories I see a glimpse into what my future and K’s may become apart from each other. We know each other very well and we have both commented on how stubborn we are to hold onto our love for so long and that moving on would be difficult, she is willing to move on because she is taking the words “time heals all wounds” to heart and assumes we will one day both be able to live happy lives apart. I disagree with this point of view, that is why if we are willing to give up on each other fully. I will take this chance as I should have a year and half ago and approach her parents. I will only tell of my feelings for her and my reasons why I think we are compatible, then I will politely ask that they ask her if she would accept me. As a quote she had posted once said,

    “If you don’t go after what you want,
    you’ll never have it.
    If you don’t ask,
    the answer is always no.
    If you don’t step forward,
    you are always in the same place.”

    Only time will tell…

  24. […] An anonymous writer on her experience with arranged marriage and a male reader’s response […]

  25. Maria says:

    I have read what you wrote and I can only say this was cruel of her. No I’m not Muslim and I don’t what kind of pressure she has and will carry but I am the eldest and sometimes I feel as if my parents pinned everything on me. Sometimes I don’t agree with their beliefs and opinions but I stay quiet as a form of respect towards them and I can say that I will get to escape the pressure at some point in time. Though one thing I’m certain of is that God almighty has bigger plans for you. I for one would not want to share my life with someone who cannot step up to their parents. I know you must feel like part of your life was torn away from you but believe me when I say, that part was no good. I feel as if she tried to tie you down with that last message. Who knows maybe she wanted you to know she loved you and tell you how she felt but she should have also realized, that last message would hurt you and would make the process of your healing harder. She most likely will always think about the what if’s but I know the Muslim religion and I can tell you right now once she married that other man she went past the point of no return because almost no one in her position escapes, NO they cave and give in.

    This may be mean but my heart hurts for that man who will not receive love from that woman that he married and for you who are hurting. But I only pity her because she could have fought and her hands weren’t completely tied behind her back. In fact it was her that helped not only her family but also her religion to tie her hands.

    You will find love and you will move on, don’t close your heart for their is someone out there who is willing to love you just as much if not more as you would love them. Right now it hurts but not only memories but feelings also fade if you let them. Don’t hang on to the past because then you will only hang yourself.

    -From a very insightful 17 year old (;
    BTW the last sentence was NOT an idea or an option.

  26. Deanna says:

    That is one of the saddest stories. I am so sorry to hear this!! Your story made me cry. I don’t have an answer but I feel your pain. Heart break is the strongest most painful emotion God has created… it feels unbareableand like you’ll never get over it. God heals our wounds. Just know that there was nothing you could do to change what happened and we can’t help who we love. There is another girl out there who deserves to be truly loved and cared for who will love you in return. Letting go is the hardest part. She made the decision. We can live an entire lives truly loving a few ppl or only one or none at all. I’d rather to have loved and lost than to not have ever loved at all. We have such big decisions in our lives to make at times that can chg the entire course of our lives. But what ever is meant to be will be rigardless of what we do or what happens. So don’t worry.. maybe she suffers daily with the choice she made but you still need to move forward and focus on ur own happiness with another. Best of luck. You are not alone! !! We’ve all felt that pain.

  27. gift says:

    Wat a hurting thing u had to go thru I no d pain will never go away.u will ask ur self how she could do that to u and d lov u shared with her .I no dis cos I am also going through exactly the same thing u going thru.the man I lov with every bit of my heart chose to marry someone he ddnt even lov because of his family culture and religion.I wil never forget wat he did to me and out lov

  28. Lisa says:

    And it’s usually the helicopter-type parents that arrange marriages for their daughters knowing most parents are overprotective of their daughters.

  29. Mikhaela says:

    Sorry for the sad story of your life but it happens same to me. It just happen that i am the one in your position. The only difference that i am a christian and he is muslim. I was felt betrayed when his parents had force him to marry different girl where in fact, they already approved me at the very beginning. The only thing even that 2 years past, he tried to convince me to marry him and lie everything about his marriage with other woman of their kind. Now that i knew everything, he avoid replying to all my questions even leaving message he never did. I was just wondering why their such a lot of parents like these in Muslim forcing their children to marriage against their children’s will. And i was also wondering to my ex why he agreed to his parents even if it is against his will and try to erase our son in his senses just to make sure he did everything right for his parents.

    Now, he totally abandon our son after he was been force to marry other woman by his parents. The guy i love before who was so supported and loving father to our son become beast and dangerous liar after the incident.

    May somebody explain this things to me which i could not understand well.

  30. halaal chick says:

    This is made me sad reading this….there are reasons why things happen in our lives that we will never have the answers for….we can never go back and change things…we can only reflect, go forwards…when things come to a standsill….you have to keep on going….inshallah you will be fine x

  31. Huda says:

    I know a guy who went through this, although not entirely. You see, that guy loved my best friend. My best friend didn’t love him back. They were the best of friends. He knew every shitty thing about her. I felt like he knew her better than I did sometimes. He could read her mind. He brought her things that she always liked. Most of all, he gave her his time. He listened to her problems. He held her close when she cried. He gave her the best of advices. He was caring and sweet to her. Most of all, he was the most understanding person she had ever met. Yet, she turned him down? Why was she so stupid you ask? Well, she opted for an arranged marriage set out with her mother. Ofcouse, she really liked the guy she would be ending up with.. and now, that guy.. i don’t know how he is coping.. Reading your story really touched my heart and I hope you heal… everyone does.. It just takes time.. I am sorry that it happened the way it did…. If I were ur girlfriend I would have totally eloped.. not sure why she didn’t.. she sounds more like my best friend :)

  32. MK2 says:

    It was not her fault. She couldn’t build her castle of happiness on the footings of her parents misery. She was stuck in a situation outside her control. She chose her parents happiness and sacrificed her own. I feel for her . I feel for Fuz. I feel for her because I know it must be very difficult for her to be her husband. Fuz every time she looks at her husband she probably wishes it were you. You are free Fuz you still have options . She is trapped in a cage of her own involuntary making. Everyday must be like a groundhog day for her. She must be suffering everyday. It’s always easy to blame the woman. We as women are used to being blamed villains of a fine love story.

    I hope god gives B a lot of resilience and endurance to walk her path.

    I hope god gives a lot of strength to you Fuz to get over your pain.

    God bless you both.

    MK2


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