Advice: On cleaning up after sex & dating with a disability

Dear Love, InshAllah:

I know this seems like a question everyone already seems to know, but both my wife and I ever really learned the etiquette of sex in terms of how to keep things clean (literally). What I mean is — is there a usual (or better, or sunnah) way to clean-up after relations? I don’t mean ghusl…but if one has relations with their spouse on the bed, how to keep the bed clean? I can’t believe that people wash their sheets every single time after they sleep together. Do some couples just have relations on the bottom sheet, and then sleep atop the top sheet? That would leave some najasa underneath the sheet, but I don’t know if that matters.

Sincerely,
Keeping it clean

Shy Desi Boy replies:

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Advice: On internet flirting & kissing at a wedding

Dear Love, InshAllah:

There’s this Muslim guy I met a few times through work.  He messages me and we chat for a few days, then he vanishes. He says we should meet up but never makes a plan. Is he just stringing me along? Should I block and delete him and move on? I’m not interested in pursuing something that will not culminate in marriage. I should mention that I am no longer in my 20s.

Sincerely,
Is he stringing me along?

Miss Sunshine replies:
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Advice: I didn’t say yes

Dear Love, InshAllah:

I am 29 years old and am under a lot of pressure from my parents to get married. My parents are very conservative. We never spoke about girls, so there was never an opportunity for me to find out what girl they would like for me nor I was able to tell them my thoughts on what I was looking for.

Through a few social contacts of my parents, we met a few families who were looking for a match for their daughters. On a couple of occasions, I liked the girl but my parents did not.

About 3 months ago, my parents and I went to meet another family. The girl was not what I was looking for and I planned to tell my parents immediately after the meeting. I was surprised that my mom insisted on the girl, even using emotional pressure (my mom would say stuff like she feels very lonely, is not feeling well these days, etc.) The pressure was so intense that I was not able to say no – but I did not say yes either.

After a few days, my mom said yes to the family and our engagement was fixed. I was shocked and upset. About 2 months have passed since our engagement, and now the marriage ceremony (nikah) date is planned too. I’ve discussed this with a couple of friends, but they say nothing can be done now.

I do not want to go through with this marriage but I feel I cannot be straightforward as I don’t want to hurt the girl’s feelings or those of her parents or my mom. What should I do?

Sincerely,
I didn’t say yes

Shy Desi Boy responds:

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Advice: In Love With a Polytheist

Dear Love Inshallah,

I have been dating a man for a few years now and we’ve been discussing marriage. However, he is of a polytheistic faith. Although he is liberal in his practice, he has a strong belief in God. We have not had any problems with faith interrupting our relationship, since we have the same morals and values and we have been blessed to be very compatible and loving towards one another. He is also very active in taking part in my religious activities, since he is quite aware that I am a practicing (semi-liberal) Muslim.

We have agreed on a nikkah (in addition to other South Asian cultural events). He has also agreed to “convert”. This is where the problem starts to occur. He wants to be able to practice both religions, but will always have his way of worship in his heart, even when “practicing” Islam with me. We have also decided that the children will be taught to practice the Islamic faith in our home. Therefore, is there really a point in him taking the shahada? Isn’t it still zina after marriage, since the marriage is not seen as “valid”? And will he be seen as a shirk, which is said to be completely “unforgivable” in Islam?

I have been lucky enough to have had exposure to different religious events (i.e. church services, pujas, etc.) growing up, so I have no problem attending and respecting his family’s customs and beliefs. I know God is the most gracious and merciful, but are we going down the wrong path?

Sincerely,
In Love with a Polytheist

Shy Desi Boy replies:

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Advice: Nervous About Sex

Salam Love InshAllah,

I will be getting married next month and I will move from the stage of not being allowed to be alone with my future husband to being allowed to be intimate with him and I must say I am feeling nervous. My question is about my wedding night or any night that we choose to be intimate. I grew up in a conservative community and attended a Muslim school so my knowledge about sex and intimacy is limited to that which may pop up in a conversation of inexperienced, virgin girls.

The truth is I am nervous that due to my lack of experience or knowledge I will be either repulsed by any act of intimacy (kissing and sex) or be so put off it that it will be something I dread. How do I prepare myself for taking the step towards being confident? I have low self esteem with regards to my body so the thought of being naked in front of my future husband is not a pleasant thought. Being a bad kisser or generally bad in bed is what scares me the most. I don’t want my nerves and setbacks to affect him or send the wrong signals. I don’t want him to feel like he is trying hard to please me in bed but I am not reciprocating simply because I don’t know or am too embarrassed.

All this is playing havoc with my nerves. I’d like to know how I can prepare myself and perhaps find out what men like so I can please him and perhaps put to bed my worries of my lack of experience effecting performance etc. Any advice and information would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Nervous about Sex

Miss Sunshine replies:
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