Advice: Marry for Sex or Stability?

Dear Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy,

I’m in a bit of a dilemma and need your help. I’ve been introduced to three boys as potential marriage prospects (rishtas). I am not attracted to two of them and find it hard to imagine having sex with either of them. While both boys are virgins and have very good careers and other good attributes, I don’t have a very open relationship with them in terms of communication. They are of a traditional mindset which I am not.

The third boy whom I’ve been introduced to is not a virgin and is also not well settled in his career. He has had sex with many women before. However, I am very attracted to him and can imagine myself having sex with him. The only problem is that I am a virgin and find it hard to trust him with his past sexual history and am worried he may cheat within marriage. I have been able to talk to him about everything from money to even how frequent he would like sex with me if we do get married as well as his previous sexual history and my concerns regarding the same.

Is attraction very important to enjoy sex? Do you think it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship with someone you are not attracted to? I know financial stability is also important. I’m just confused as to whether I should marry for money and comfort or marry for love…considering life it not really a fairytale.

Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Sex or Stability

Miss Sunshine replies:
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#FaithfullyFeminist: Badass Muslim Women

Faithfully Feminist: Jewish, Christian, and Muslim Feminists on Why We Stay is a new anthology from the I Speak For Myself series where Jewish, Christian, and Muslim women discuss the various ways they remain faithful to their spiritual traditions as feminists (or, in some cases, create new space for feminists within their faith). The essay collection is edited by Gina Messina-Dysert, Amy Levin, and Jennifer Zobair and features forty-five perspectives from the three faiths. In this episode of Loveinshallah’s author interview podcast, Deonna Kelli Sayed speaks with three Muslim contributors on feminism, motherhood, marriage, and spiritual identity.

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Why Muslim Women Love Jon Stewart

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In honor of Jon Stewart’s last show tonight as host of the The Daily Show, we’re re-posting our piece, “Why Muslim Women Love Jon Stewart” which kicked off our (sadly unsuccessful) bid for Jon to be named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Thanks for the news and laughs, Jon! <3 #JonVoyage 

Buried in the “controversy” over Bradley Cooper’s selection as People magazine’s most recent Sexiest Man Alive is a little known fact: If you had polled American Muslim women the winner would have been — wait for it — Jon Stewart.

Every Monday through Thursday, thousands of Muslim women across the country eagerly tune in to Comedy Central to watch The Daily Show — ok, let’s be real — we’re really tuning in to check out Jon. With his great hair, fine Armani suits, intelligence, and deadpan delivery, what’s not to love? Plus, he speaks truth to power, often on social justice issues and current events that impact minorities, including the American Muslim community. He gets it.

Look, sometimes it’s tiring being a Muslim in America. Like all other Americans, we’re suffering through the recession, worried about job security, our mortgages and whether we’ll be able to afford health insurance. But, unlike other Americans, we can’t escape the bad news by turning on the TV because whenever we do that there’s YET ANOTHER opportunist saying something crazy about us!

So it’s a relief to know that, regardless of how the day’s events are spun on cable news and by politicos, we can come home after a long day at work, take off our heels, slip into something more comfortable and — spend the night with Jon.
 
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Ten Questions for Author Saadia Faruqi

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Houston-based author Saadia Faruqi, recently released her debut short story collection, Brick Walls: Tales of Hope & Courage from Pakistan. Deonna Kelli Sayed caught up with Saadia to discuss the book, her interfaith work, and what it is like to live in a chai-free household.

Deonna Kelli Sayed (DKS): You are in an elevator with someone and you have a minute to convince them to read Brick Walls. What do you say?

Saadia Faruqi (SF): Remember when short stories were in vogue? Well, those times are back with Brick Walls: Tales of Hope & Courage from Pakistan! What’s that, you ask? Well, Brick Walls is a collection of short stories based in Pakistan, my birth country. Although the characters are fictional, the situations they face are very real, very tough and very different from the image of Pakistan in western media. The stories are a portrait of everyday life with all its challenges and realities. The best thing is that they showcase the beautiful aspects of Pakistani culture: the food, the scenes, the people with kindness and courage in their hearts.
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#TheFirstTime

#TheFirstTime logo

Be a part of our crowdsourced project #TheFirstTime, a platform to anonymously ask your most pressing questions about sex:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

When we started this website three years ago, we were inundated with questions from our readers about love, sex, and relationships – issues covered in our book, Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women. We realized that, for many of us, there isn’t a safe space to voice our most intimate concerns without fear of shame, humiliation, or judgment.

Recognizing that we all have questions – but not all of us have someone to turn to for answers – we launched an advice column. We enlisted the help of two thoughtful and wise friends – Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy – who, over the years, have answered our readers’ burning questions about love and sex and everything in between.

Two years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had no one he could turn to for advice. Our columnists answered his question with grace and honesty.

Since then, “Clueless About My Wedding Night” has become the single most viewed post on LoveInshAllah.com. It’s clear from the way in which this column has gone viral that there are many others out there who are also looking for answers about having sex for the first time.

We want to help.

Today marks the launch of our newest project, #TheFirstTime, an attempt to make sure you’re not clueless on your wedding night. We want to know: what questions do you have (or did you have) about having sex for the first time? What advice would you give your best friend on his/her wedding night? And, what resources do you wish you had before you had sex for the first time?

This is a crowd-sourced project so we need your help to complete this survey. This is an anonymous survey and we do not want identifying information.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

We are excited to partner with HEART Women & Girls, a non-profit organization that seeks to promote the reproductive health and mental well-being of faith-based communities.

For more information, please contact us at advice@loveinshallah.com


Sapelo Square

Sapelo Island Beach (pic: Jason Priem)

What we’re reading these days: Sapelo Square, an important online resource for African American Islam. Named after one of the first communities of African Muslims in the United States (Sapelo Island), the website features articles, blog posts and special features and is a showcase for African American Islam in all its diversity and complexity. From the editors:

Sapelo Square hopes to intervene in the marginalization and erasure of African American Muslims in the public square by building an online forum that places African American Muslims at the center. Our goal is to celebrate, document and analyze the experiences of this unique community in order to shed light on its global impact.

Read more, here.


Eid Mubarak!

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Eid Mubarak from our Love, InshAllah family to yours! Wishing you a joyous and blessed Eid al-Fitr. May all your Ramadan fasts and prayers be answered by the One who is All-Knowing and Loving.


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