Advice: Searching for a way forward

Ed. note:  This column provides a safe space for readers to ask love and relationship questions. Sometimes the questions go beyond our columnists’ areas of expertise, as is the case with today’s question. Our columnists advise with compassion and love, but a reminder that they are not mental health professionals. We encourage the person who wrote this question to seek help immediately; resources include: Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Mental Health For Muslims. If you send us your contact information we can also direct you to specific resources in your area. Contact us at: advice [at] loveinshAllah DOT com

Dear Love, InshAllah:

I am a Muslim man who cheated on his wife (a new convert to Islam) by engaging in a sexual conversation on the internet, not once, but twice.

Needless to say, our path to recovery has been tough. But somehow or the other, we are still together today, even if only by a thread, for it is hard for either of us to forget the joy we once brought to each other’s lives.

A multitude of problems arose due to the cheating: I became emotionally unstable to the point where I was unable to support her during her periods of legitimate grief and other challenges, including academics. Her bitterness towards me during the initial post-confession days left a lasting pattern of behavior that makes the both of us look at each other’s actions in a “tit for tat” fashion. I completely broke down in school, and now am at a point in life where my future is very uncertain even in terms of a career.

I am unable to be a comfort and source of strength in her life and a man who she can rail against – I just break down, and she is the one who has to help me steady myself.

We are no longer husband and wife as much as mother and child.

My comfort, to be frank, lies in thinking about suicide and the thought that when I am admitted into hell for the pain I caused my wife, my parents and my sister, I will still beg God for mercy. I will tell him that I killed myself because that was the right thing to do given my crime. No doubt however, that I will realize the futility of continuing to be deceitful and finally admit that I was a weak, weak human being who could not handle earth any longer. Please be compassionate, O most merciful, I will ask.

My question for you is: is suicide a path that is truly closed to me and one that is unhealthy for me to consider? If not for suicide, how am I supposed to view myself given that I am nothing like what I had once hoped I would be (I didn’t even have any neo-conservative fantasies of being some INTENSE “model Muslim”…just someone who would always be faithful to his wife)? Why shouldn’t I leave when I can’t even be a strong, unselfish human being for my wife post-incident?

Sincerely,
Searching for a way forward

Ms. Sunshine responds:

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