Advice: Dating Newbie
Posted: June 13, 2013 Filed under: Sex & The Ummah | Tags: advice column, dating, Love InshAllah, Miss Sunshine, Muslim love, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, relationships, sex, Shy Desi Boy, your voices Leave a comment »Dear Love Inshallah,
At the age of 25, I am fairly new to the world of Muslim dating (or dating at all). I’ve always internalized messages from my community telling me that “dating is haraam” and have stayed away from men for the most part. Over the last few years, I began speaking with suitors, mostly via phone or email, and always with marriage as the end goal. I would always end things early if I didn’t see things working out (sometimes before I truly knew the gentleman).
For the last couple of months, I have been speaking with a new gentleman, and due to distance, our exchanges have been electronic (phone, email, FaceTime). We have set a date and place to meet in person, but this will require him to spend time and money to travel and meet me.
I have many doubts about whether he is right for me. He is older and has more experience dating, including dating women without marriage as the end goal. This was many years ago and he now is looking for marriage. His history has been weighing on my mind, and I wonder if we are too different because of our perspectives on the Islamic rules of engagement. I know there are double standards for men and women when it comes to this stuff, but I don’t want to be the “nice, virginal girl” that a man settles down with after sowing his wild oats.
Given my doubts, should I still meet him? Is it fair of me to ask him to come so far when I am unsure? I have definitely also considered that I may just be scared and looking for reasons to back out of this.
Thanks,
Dating Newbie
Miss Sunshine replies:
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Before the Wedding
Posted: June 6, 2013 Filed under: Your voices | Tags: american muslims, Before the Wedding, counseling, love, Love InshAllah, marriage, Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, Muslim love, Muslim men, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, pre-marital counseling, your voices 5 Comments »
My cell phone buzzes and when I look at the screen, it’s a text from an unknown number: “A friend gave me your number and I wanted to talk to you because I am getting married in 3 weeks and wanted to get your advice. Please call me.”
As a premarital counselor for the last five years, I often receive texts and emails like this. People know that I wrote the book, Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married and that I know a few things about marriage. But they don’t really know what counseling is, and when they call me they think I will have some magical advice to offer.
People like short-cuts. Identify a problem, find a solution and viola everything will be perfect. This efficiency perspective may be effective at work or even in school, but short-cuts don’t work when it comes to marriage. People are complicated and relationships are complex and dynamic. The process of developing a healthy relationship requires more than just “finding the one.” It takes real work.
Most couples feel that going to counseling before marriage is unnecessary. After all they can’t possibly have any major problems. Many think that counseling is reserved for couples who are having “real” problems as a last ditch effort when nothing else has worked, such as speaking to family and friends and their local imam. Sadly, many couples won’t even see a counselor because they feel a “stranger” couldn’t possibly understand their “story” or their unique cultural practices. There may be fear that the counselor will have biases regarding gender roles or religious interpretation.
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Poetry Monday: Eve Rivera
Posted: June 3, 2013 Filed under: Poetry Monday | Tags: american muslims, Chicago, Eve Rivera, love, Love InshAllah, Muslim love, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, poetry, your voices Leave a comment »
chicago.
i don’t care what the news says about the
south and west side of chicago.
it is on these buses that men stand for me to sit.
where I am called “sister”;
where old ladies compliment my family,
and shake their head while smiling and
always asking “three boys?!”
it is these buses that when i make my kids stand for
the old, young, strollers, the pregnant, and handicapped
they are thanked and smiled at.
say what you want, believe what you may,
as hurt as our people are,
we are good people.
–
Eve Rivera is a Chicago based artist. She grew up studying multiple disciplines of theater, but her first true love was the art of words. She has degree in Early Childhood Education, and is currently working as a free lance photographer and mixed media artist. For more info about Eve and her art, visit her website.
Me, Myself & I
Posted: May 29, 2013 Filed under: Columns, Single in the City, Your voices | Tags: american muslims, dating, love, Love InshAllah, love stories, marriage, Muslim relationships, Muslim women, your voices 6 Comments »Editor’s note: Writer Ihssan Tahir is coming on board as a LoveinshAllah.com monthly columnist! Look for her column, “Single in the City,” the last Wednesday of the month.
I’ve learned many things since my divorce. It has been a time of self-reflection and discovery. I am a firm believer that there is a lesson to be learned in all situations; this includes the good and bad.
The most profound – and difficult – thing I’ve learned is to be alone.
Why I Don’t Compete in Love
Posted: May 16, 2013 Filed under: Your voices | Tags: american muslims, dating, From Rae with love, love, Love InshAllah, Muslim love, Muslim relationships, relationships, women writers, your voices 1 Comment »
In the past couple of years I’ve watched friends, former lovers and exes alike choose people to boo up with and partner up with. Some I’ve been surprised by, others made sense to me. Real talk, it doesn’t matter what I think at the end of the day. If you like it, I love it.
I could ask why someone chooses one person over another person but I don’t think there’s any real rhyme or reason. It’s like asking why one person’s voice sounds like a warm and lovely lullaby while another person’s voice sounds like nails against a chalkboard.
I just don’t think we have a choice in the matter.
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Your voices