Advice: Cheated on by a pious Muslim man

Dear Love InshAllah:

My husband is cheating on me. I found out because he wasn’t logged out of his Facebook account – I saw messages between him and a non-Muslim co-worker of his in which he’s trying to break things off (I’ve met this woman a few times at his office gatherings). We have a 2 year old son and have been trying for a second baby.  I never ever imagined that I would be in this situation. My husband is a practicing Muslim (prays, fasts, doesn’t drink) and was a virgin when we got married – no one would ever believe me if I told them he cheated on me.  I’m so angry but also humiliated and embarrassed. I have no idea what to do.

Signed,
Cheated on by a pious Muslim man

Ms. Sunshine replies:
 

 
Your world has just been turned upside down. You trusted, made yourself vulnerable, and now you’re probably questioning so much of what you thought you knew. The more people you’ve consulted, and advice you’ve sought, the more voices in your head, competing for your attention.

This is a confusing time.

First, you must take care of yourself. If your husband has been this careless with your heart, you cannot trust that has been careful with your body. Contact your doctor, Planned Parenthood, or any other facilities that offer low-cost healthcare.  Schedule a test for sexually transmitted infections. Let your husband know that there will be no sex unless and until he does the same.

If you and your spouse decide to try and heal this rift, you will need help. While friends, in-laws, and sheikhs may be well meaning, they are not always the best choice for help in navigating the bumpy terrain of infidelity. A neutral third party, preferably a licensed counselor, can be an invaluable guide through the anger, insecurity, fear, hurt and myriad other emotions that are a natural part of the healing process.

Marriage is a sacred bond, a contract before God and trusted witnesses. The decision to void that contract should not be taken lightly. But the Qur’an makes it clear that marriage should be a source of comfort and support, not misery. Marriages can recover from infidelity, but the road is long and difficult. It requires painful honesty, extraordinary mercy, and a lot of hard work. You’re not a failure, a bad parent or an inferior Muslim if you can’t do it.

If you decide that there is no way to fix what’s been broken, then you need to consider the easiest path out of this marriage. I highly recommend Stuart Webb’s “The Collaborative way to Divorce.” It’s unlikely that a book can substitute for the advice of a qualified lawyer, but the advice can help keep you thinking clearly about the best possible outcome for all involved. Allah (swt) advises us the end of a marriage should be kind and respectful. Thinking of divorce as a collaborative, rather than an antagonistic process can go a long way to ensuring that kind and respectful ideal.

Shy Desi Boy replies:

The first woman I loved cheated on me. I was in my early twenties and it felt exactly like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the villain rips someone’s heart out. Many years have passed and I won’t lie: it does not get better. It just gets different.

So I am not going to quote a hadith about how what happens makes us all stronger or better because it sucks to be cheated on and all I learned from the experience was, well, how much it sucks. Which is to say this, Cheated on by a pious Muslim man: I am very sorry this happened to you. It is beyond awful. I know because it happened to me.

When I was younger and I learned that Hugh Grant cheated on the sublimely beautiful Elizabeth Hurley, I wondered: what was he thinking? Because back then I thought cheating could be understood in rational terms—if your partner looks like Hurley why would you cheat?  That is such a male understanding of cheating and sadly it is one that I bought into.

But now I no longer think that way. It is unfair to the woman because it tends to shift the blame on to her—what was her shortcoming? If Hurley is attractive, why would Grant do this?

Now I believe the focus should be squarely and solely on the cheater. Cheating is about the cheater—in this case it is his deficiency, not yours, and please do not think that you are at all responsible for his dishonesty.

What your husband did is awful and I believe you should confront him. He will say that you should not have been looking at his Facebook account but that is no defense. I accept that there should be privacy in marriage but when there is doubt, I do believe a spouse should feel the space in a relationship to speak out.

I have also learned that there is no “cheating type” or conversely no “faithful type.” I have seen a man happily in love—with a great sex life, or so he tells me—cheat on his gorgeous wife. I have known a friend go for repeated trips to hajj and only to learn later that she was cheating on her husband.

Let’s look at three scenarios. I have a friend who left her husband after he cheated on her. She is now happy again with an amazing partner who I adore. I have another friend who left her husband and she has not found love again. When we hang out, she always wonders if she could have reconciled, if she could have forgiven him for his transgression.

Another friend of mine is now living as a single mother after her husband cheated on her and she is the happiest I have ever seen her. One couple I know—where it was the wife who cheated on the husband—have worked out their differences through extensive therapy and now have a young child.

In many ways I think we need to expand our definition of infidelity. Indeed perhaps the worst form is when you become physically intimate with another person. But I have seen all sorts of transgressions in relationships. What if your partner is constantly chatting with a person online, sharing a forming of emotional intimacy that you do not experience with your partner? What if your partner is sexually faithful but is a compulsive flirt, which makes you feel just as small as if he had slept with another woman?

How then to move forward? Regardless of what you chose, I strongly believe that professional therapy—for both of you—is important. If there is one thing I wish I could tell my 20 year old self, it is this: your heart is much more fragile than you think. Maybe therapy would have helped me back then—I certainly needed it.

Because I am not so sure I have ever recovered from being cheated on. And because of that, I have not allowed myself to give or to receive the love I know I can. That is my failing–not the woman who cheated on me.

I wish you the best, Cheated on by a pious Muslim man, and wishing that whatever happens, your heart remains open to receive the love that you deserve.

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38 Comments on “Advice: Cheated on by a pious Muslim man”

  1. Shy Desi Boy I really loved your reply it is surely hard to accept a cheater, and even if you do its hard to remain the way you were before. At the same time though we should even self-evaluate our own self that did we do anything that could have promoted such an act by our partner. Though we are not to be blamed at any cost, because it was our better half who can’t control themselves. But sometimes its also could be a reason for a few people.

  2. uranus135 says:

    I am so, so, so, so, so sorry for your situation. It is absolutely horrific and heartbreaking. My now-husband cheated on me – but before we got married – so I am not claiming to understand your particular pain, but I have felt a cheating pain before. I found out from text messages on his iphone that he had been intimate with someone else, while we were in a non-physical engagement because of both of our commitment to Islamic courtship – yea right. Anyway, I ended things immediately and informed my parents that the wedding was off. Months later, after hearing an amazing khutbah during Ramadan about the power of forgiveness, I forgave him. We proceeded to get married. We have a 16 month old son and one on the way. Our marriage is difficult and it is wrought with distrust. Since he transgressed before our marriage I took the opportunity to write a very, very detailed prenup. I tripled the amount of maher that I asked for. I made him sign a contract with a detailed list of women that are OK to speak to and NOT OK to speak to. I have all of his online account passwords and monitor them frequently. I made it clear to him that he lost all privilege of privacy in our relationship. He willingly obliged to all of these requests. This to me was testament that he wanted desperately to be forgiven and to reconcile and to be in a trusting marriage. As time goes on, my trust regains, little by litte, as I see how he repents. For you – of course I want you to be together as a family – but you need to be sure that he regrets what he did and seeks repentance and is willing to do anything to be with you. May Allah bless you with strength and strength and more strength, ameen.

    • masshov says:

      salaams,

      can you please share the name of the khutba and the person who delivered it? would it be available online do you think?
      I really would like to hear it. more like need to.

      Please either reply here or email me the link or name if possible: massey.eng@gmail.com

      Jazakallah

  3. zaksmom says:

    I’m so sorry for your pain. My now ex-husband cheated on me with Lottie, Dottie, and everybody and was seen as an upstanding young husband and stable provider. I’ll share the words of wisdom that the officiant at my wedding told me: it takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to mess it up. If your marriage is to survive, both of you must be equally invested in rebuilding the trust that was shattered. But this means that if both of you aren’t equally invested in rebuilding this trust, you can either limp on a with marriage full of mistrust and resentment (I do not recommend this, but it happens), or consider separating.

    Only you can know how much work you’re willing or able to do, how much you can endure, and whether you are more afraid of staying or separating. But remember this: you can only control your actions. You cannot force your husband to quit cheating, come to therapy or anything else. Even if you could coerce promises or drag him to the therapist’s office, you wouldn’t regain a life partner; you’d have a slave. That also works in converse; he cannot force you to find his cheating acceptable, and depending on the laws where you are, he may not force you to remain married to him, either.

    Until you can decide together whether to work on your marriage or part ways, take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I strongly recommend therapy for yourself, as well as prayer, physical exercise (it’s much healthier to punch a bag than your husband), and any other healthy way you use to relieve stress. You may need to prepare for divorce, in which case I recommend a chat with a lawyer. In any case, the way forward won’t be easy. Be gentle with yourself.

    • Rafa Kareem says:

      My situation is opposite to Love Inshallah….

      I met a guy from a matrimonial website with a view to know each other and shared a physical relation on his continues insist, but he disappeared later on all of sudden. I been in deep shock and depression for months, then he contacted me back after 10months, apologised and told me issued related to his job and family and been asking me to meet again. He did not give me his pone number this time and I could not trust him.

      One day I checked up his Facebook profile and found out that the guy is happily married and has a son too while the guy was ringing and texting me from abroad to convince me for meeting.

      Now my question is ‘Should I inform his wife about the character of the husband and how unknowingly I was used to cheat on a wife’….How does Islam guide us about this matter???

      Please advise as I am still in a state of deep shock and couldn’t trust anyone, yet I want to move and get settle in life.

      • layla says:

        you should inform his wife. Because she will find out at the end
        there is no love with a married man ,he wont choose you over wife so good luck

  4. anaturali says:

    While my circumstance is a lot different than yours, I connect with your words. I, like every other poster, remind you that you must take care of yourself (spiritually and physically). I offer you some words that I have found calmed me.

    *Please remember that your experience and marriage was a blessing from Allah in its own format. Please remember that one who transgresses with Allah azawajaal will surely transgress against a human being (therefore he must rectify his transgressions against his Creator before anything). Please also know that Allah has provided for you and He is the best friend you will ever have. Please know that your anger is justified but remember that human beings surely are weak and it is better to exude class (for your own wellbeing). Please remember that Allah has permitted divorce; Our creator knows our nature. As for the people who will talk about you and yours, please know that Allah has promised to deal with them in a specific way. Take care of your mind and your child.

    I end with the kind words of the poster above: Be gentle with yourself.

    • Sister529 says:

      Beautiful mashallah! Your words touched my heart and inshAllah they bring comfort to all those who read it.

  5. Sarah F. says:

    My heart goes out to all those whose hearts have been broken in this manner,
    To me, cheating is doing anything with anyone else that you wouldn’t want your spouse knowing about. It is possible to be emotionally attached to someone without there being a physical relationship. And an emotional attachment, I feel, is a greater threat to a relationship than a purely physical one (the danger of STDs notwithstanding, of course).

    • Saf says:

      I wholeheartedly agree with this. Any time a man and woman spend time together where the other spouse is refused entry is cheating. Sharing things with that person, telling them things that the spouse has no knowledge of, is cheating as well. Sex is just sex.

  6. All men are dogs, you just need to find the right dog and potty train it.

    Yes. I said it.

    S.

  7. JC says:

    I was very saddened to read this sister’s predicament. I have known others too who have been cheated on, and some have ended in divorce, some have reconciled, some are happy, some are less so. But every time I learn of such an incident, it breaks my heart for my Muslim brother or sister. Regardless of what path you choose, do it with the strong conviction in your heart that you are doing it for the Sake of Allah (swt), to earn his Pleasure, to do what is right.

    I echo everything that anaturali wrote above. Allah (swt) has *promised* us with tests and trials, through hardship, poverty, emotional pain, physical pain, loss of loved ones, etc. Why your husband cheated has nothing to do with you – that is a result of his own failings and lack of Taqwa. Among those who are promised the Shade of Allah’s Thone on the Day of Judgment are those who resist being seduced by saying “I fear Allah” – a sign and testament to the person’s Taqwa. His being a “pious” Muslim may have only been skin deep. But your devotion to Allah (swt) must be firmly in your heart to get through this, regardless of what you choose to do.

    Remember that this is also a test of your Taqwa and the strength of your Iman. Any adversity that befalls us should cause us to turn toward Allah (swt) for help, guidance and relief. It should help us to make an extra effort to be closer to Him in all that we do. That is the only way to pass this test (and it may be one of many), and will only result in your getting more Ajr and reward from Allah (swt) in the akhira. If we become resentful, display hatred and disgust for the spouse who did this to us, if we start to wonder why Allah (swt) let this happen to us, we start to stray away from our Creator, and begin to fail the test. Do everything with dignity, respect and confidence that Allah (swt) is with you always.

    Also, finally, remember that Allah (swt) says “with every hardship, there comes ease; indeed with every hardship there comes ease.” (Surah Inshirah) Stay strong; remember Allah (swt) often, pray to Him for guidance, help, patience, mercy, and love, and He will deliver.

  8. […] I tripped across a Muslim woman’s letter, asking for advice on how to deal with the fact that her pious, Muslim husband had cheated on […]

  9. Atefeh Anais says:

    I want you to do of a couple of things first:

    Firstly, Tell your husband that you know what he has done, and you are going to pray about what you should do next. Do not cry or let your voice crack. Practice if you must, but there can be no tears! He may shout or get sad or anything, but stand your ground. And then truly go pray. Ask Allah (swt) to remove him from your life if he is not meant to be there, and to make you stronger and better if he is supposed to be there.

    Secondly, stop trying to get pregnant right now. This is not the time to bring in another life.

    Thirdly, truly take some time and think if you can honestly forgive your husband. Do not ask him for details, it will kill you-believe me. You don’t want details of what happened or why he did it. Just ask yourself can you deal with the fact that they work together? Will be still work with this woman? Will he still speak with her ( if he truly wants to move forward he will cut off ALL communication with her,period).

    The fact is your husband DID NOT leave you for this woman. He understood that he was wrong, and he left this other woman. This is a good sign. He knows that he was wrong, and surely Allah will not let him forget this injustice towards you and his religion! Ending your marriage will not fix what happened or make it not so. He messed up, badly. But by ending his affair he at least tried to make a mends. I am not making excuses for him, but trying to be honest. Also, think ( just think) if there is anything you could’ve done to contribute to his infidelity. I’m not saying it’s your fault but sometimes we can make it easier for someone to leave than we realize. Sometimes people cheat because they are lonely in the relationship. And then again there are people who cheat because they are feeling unfulfilled in life for some ridiculous reason. Is he not where he needs to be in his job, and are the men at that level adulterous? If so, he may need to just leave that company! A work culture that supports such habits is not good for anyone, Muslim or not, to work in and serve God at the same time. What about his friends? Sure your husband may have started pious, but we become the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. Are his friends pious and happily married? Do they curse their wives during ” guy time”? Are they even Muslim or married? Who his friends are matters a great deal.

    There are many factors that you can think of, but I want you to try these 3 steps first. Marriage and life are not easy. Sometimes people slip up, break up, mess up an etc. It’s all about how you fix it. I will make du’a for you and inshallah you will be happy with whatever decision you choose. Be strong.

    With love,
    Ana

  10. djamila says:

    First wanna say that french is my mother tongue so i apologize for all the typo and grammar mistakes…

    All your testimonies comfort me in a way; and it s the first time I m putting words in my pain. I also found out a couple of months ago that my husband was cheating on me with not only one but 2 women at the same time. Both of them he knew them from childhood. We have been married for almost 3 years and live in north America. We decided we want to go back home to his country to find a job( Although both from Africa we re from different countries). He left first. 5 months later, I joined him and discovered the affairs through facebook and his text messages.

    What hurts and kills me the most is the following:
    -He is a pious man. Went to hadj, pray,fast, even woke up at night for the night prayer; so I could NEVER NEVER imagined he could commit Zina.

    -He was chating on the net with one of them at least a year before he left, telling her he is married however it he has some feelings for her. I read all their messages. Took me 5 hours. I remember at some point seeing some phone calls from her on his cell phone when we were still in the States and at that time he LIED (so disgusted by all the lies) and told me she is a childhood friend. I TRUSTED HIM

    -The second one, well apparently she is a trash, going out with married men.

    -Most of his family and his best friend knew what he was doing. I heard his mother called him once to give him advices, that he ignored.

    So i m a fool? how could i be so Naive? did not see anything coming. He was calling me every single day telling me how he misses me. I feel so stupid.

    So I confronted him, packed my stuff and headed to a hotel where i was going to take the next plane to get out. His mother and almost the entire family came to beg me (for those of you who know Africa this almost never happen in our culture). He apologized many times, ask for forgiveness and held the Quran in his hands in front of the whole family and swear that Shaitan misguided him. He contacted my family who pressure me to forgive.

    All this happen within 2 days. Even my mother told me to be patient as it happened to her as well( out of respect for my parents won t give details) however I keep thinking: are we still living in the sixties when it comes to cheating husband? i m strong independent,intelligent, beautiful MUSLIM woman. Why should I stay. Yet he is my second husband( was married once before we where both way too young), if i move to a third husband, what is it to expect? I m in my late 30s and want some more kids (have one from my previous marriage) can i afford to leave him? is it more important to have kids then focusing on a husband s mistakes? so confused sometimes…

    Anyway I gave him another chance however, i feel so resentful. Trust is gone. We now live in another African country where he has been appointed to work. Money is good, nice life, nice new friends Alhamdulli Allah. He gave me everything I want while I m in a search of a job. I feel i still love him but it seems so hard to forgive him. So there are “ups and downs”. Some days i m really smiley, others i even curse him so bad for what he is done. He was patient at first, but now we fight anytime i bring the subject. I feel I m the one who supposed to be angry not you. This whole thing damaged our relationship so bad.

    So, i more than understand your pain. will it get better? I don t know. For the moment I will advise: Pray deeply and then confront him calmly and take one day at the time.

    Allah knows the best.

  11. flutterbysteph@msn.com says:

    Hi I have recently spent a lot of time learning about the islamic faith. I am christian but love all things I am reading. But 9 out of the 10 muslim men I have met always end up married and trying to have sex with me. They flurt like crazy and treat you like a princess. I think for a vast number that is how they do it. From what I have learnt this is wrong. In my past I have been cheated on several times and I know what your feeling but I do believe you will never move past it. It will turn you crazy. Every time they are out or their phone rings your mind will torture you. I am a single mum and I refuse to stay with a man who has broken my trust even after he has known about my past heart ache. I would never cheat and these men turn me cold I could not touch a man who had a wife and children but plenty of people have no morals these days. I do believe though if it truely did follow his faith like u say he does this would not even have happened. He did not lower his gaze and started a friendship which led to sex. Allah has put in plenty of barriers to prevent this. Yet he has strayed from his path. Please for your own sake dont kid your self and think it won’t happen again. Thanks Sorry if I was blunt

  12. Abdullah says:

    4:3 attests to the polygynyous nature of man. God created man that way.
    marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four (4:3)

    However social norms of the day are very monogamous.

    I see no solution but polygyny with justice or divorce with justice.

    And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another and ye have given unto one of them a sum of money (however great), take nothing from it. Would ye take it by the way of calumny and open wrong? 4:20

    My opinion is that a man (and even a woman) cheats usually because they are lacking something in their current relationship.

    Like food, it is not only about quantify but also quality. If you eat dinner and you are left hungry don’t be surprise if someone gets tempted to eat elsewhere after midnight.

    I highly recommend the advise of Pat Allen. Check her out on youtube. She has brilliant advise that easily solves most marriage problems.

  13. ss says:

    The sin of cheating in Islam is very severe..sin of adultery is like stoning to death..I dun think you can trust a man like that, who is cheating on you and if you tell him you found out and he says he will stop, i mean what is the point? Really? Just cause he says he will stop cause you found out, do you think he will stop him? I mean if he wanted to stop why’d he start in the first place..Also it seems that rather than dislike for you he actually loves this woman..I think this is just bad for your health, I dunno about you but if it was me I’d walk with my dignity..You should know you are beautiful and have Allah’s support, a man who disobeys Allah is good for nothing..Before he cheated on you he cheated on his Lord, it’s best to let go..He’s a waste of a man… He’d be a bad influence for your kid…Do istikhara before you ask for divorce…

  14. Meenu says:

    In my Introduction to Islam class I just learned that the word insaan (meaning “human being” in arabic) derives from the root word, nasiya (meaning “to forget”). Our professor said that this indicates that it is in human nature to forget and make mistakes and so we should be aware of our forgetful nature. And thus our daily prayers and dikr are continuos efforts to this.

    If mankind (in this case the husband) is able to forget God’s bountiful blessings and transgress God’s favors, then he will continue to follow that trend and transgress the promises he has made to another human being.

    Only you with the guidance of God All Mighty can decide the right thing to do in this situation. There has been sound advice given here. Just remember to conduct yourself in a manner that you will not regret on Judgement Day. He answers for his deeds and you are only held accountable for your’s. This life is temporary one and May you be justly rewarded for all of your good deeds.

  15. arsalan says:

    give him time n trust on allah

  16. […] an earlier column, I wrote about my desire to end my life and how I overcame these emotions. I also wrote about how the first woman I loved—and shared a bed with—cheated on me. I am grateful for each […]

  17. Nancy says:

    Some husbands really need to be careful of other woman outside their marriage,this was a true life story that happened to me to my own notice my sister took my husband from me the husband whom i have love so much and promise me that no woman will take him from me but all of a sudden things turned apart if not for my friend hear in USA that told me i needed a spell caster that can cast a spell to separate them maybe by now he must have went for a divorce which could have made me commit suicide because i loved him so much likewise like him also but how things turn around was a thing that surprised me.
    I vowed that any thing it could cost me i must separate him and my elder sister i then collected the contact of this spell caster from my friend Mary she told me his name is spiritual Priest Ajigar and his email is priestajigarspells@live.com i contacted him and narrated the whole story to him he consulted and found out that my sister visited a spell caster that casted a spell that made him love her i then ask him what to do he told me that this spell needed to be broken so that my husband can leave her alone and come back to me the spell was broken and within three days he began to hate her that he even beat her up before he said to her that it is over between him and her right now my husband is with me again and take care of me like he have never done before i thank my friend Mary but i own all thanks to priest Ajigar for bringing back my husband and i therefore for advice that if you notice any strange behavior in your marriage or your boy friend or girlfriend is cheating you contact Priest Ajigar to know the root of it he will surely help you out and give an everlasting solution to it.

  18. ayesha says:

    My husband cheated on me how many times but a loving wife will always forgive her husband,I was totally broken all the time by seeing my husband phone containing lot of photos of a ladies,his facebook account chatting with nasty things with different ladies,I sometimes picking up the phone when his ex calling and reading lot of msg frm ladies and when I confront him with this,he even show me his girlfriend pictures,there were no times that my husband doesn’t cheat on me..we are havng a son now and I’m just a second wife of him..I’m just 18 while my husband is 33..there are 15years gap between us,but I know how to give him his right as a muslim wife,I had become his slave and do whatever he wish,but I donno how come he still cheat on me while I’m being faithful to him,I donno what to do now with this marriage,I love him so dearly but he s being unfair to me..there are no times that I doidnt cry over him..I am such a stupid I know its wrong and still I want to be with this guy in any cost..plz give me advice..

    • zaksmom says:

      It sounds as if your desire to be with him is overriding other things that should be held even more dear. No man deserves a woman who allows him to be unfaithful and cruel. That is not only above what any human being deserves, but detrimental to his soul, as well.It is unlikely that he will stop, frankly- it often takes more than a wife could do legally to create the desire to change. So, you will have to decide: how important is it for you to be with him? You cannot make him stop cheating. How important is it for you to be loved, safe, and free of a man who is cruel to you? The way out will not be easy, and there will be times when you will be tempted to turn back and endure the infidelity. It is YOU that will have to decide to stay and endure or move on- no one can make that decision for you. Pray istikhara, and if you do decide to stay, I’d recommend using protection when you’re with your husband, as you cannot know who he’s with or what they might have. If you decide to leave, do not announce your plans- just calmly plan and set aside resources. And I’m here to tell you that happiness and yes, love, are on the other side of what you’ll have to endure to get away.

    • layla says:

      you too good for him that’s why he dose this to you ,you should not married to him in first place 15 years gap .

  19. Xateen says:

    Salam

    • Xateen says:

      In the name of Allah

      I have marred for 11 years we have beautiful heathy children alhamdolila for that blessing Allah had giving us. I was marred for one year when my husband got a job over see. He was loving person. I never thought one day my husband will come this far to hurt me in many deferent ways. The frist time he come back for vacation he was acting deferent. He didnt want to do anything with me. He was making excuse he’s tired. So I was thinking this is not normal. So I deed some serch. I was looking in he’s wallet, tap top , computer , comera , and luggage. What I saw was heart borking. I saw box of condom that has been used. I also saw he was holding women hand like husband and wife does. Again I was hurt. If course I talk to him about it. He said its nothing. He made me believe it was nothing. But I pertant it was nothing. So after a long time. I went to my mother in low house. Out of no where he’s mother told me that my husband had call hes mom to see if it’s ok to bring another wife. He was going to bring her if he’s mother had said ok. So I was in shock hurt betrayed. I call him if he did that he said nooo I was just playing with my mom to see what she’s going to say. I didn’t believe him. I was crying hurt then my husband finally come back for good. One day I was looking at him. He was on he’s laptop talking to someone and he had a smile on he’s face. So he stapt out I run to see who he had been talking too. I saw he was talking to this non Muslim women from Iraq. He had been telling her. You were so good you were so beatifull with red dress and how I wanted to have sax on your anus but I never had a chance to do it. She replay ohh that was only one time but I never had that with my husband. Again I was hurt and hurt and hurt. Again he was leing and marketing up exudes. I know him then I cry and cry and cry. He never once said he was sorry for what he did. He though I was stupit. I had to be been brave for my kids. Even though I was hurt in side. I loved my husband with all of my heart. I used to brag about him to my family and friends house how amazing husband he is to me. Then after a year he finally got in to business. One day it happen I was checking on he’s phone I saw a txt message from non Muslim telling my husband. Do you still want me to get a holel oh I was hurt and depress my world went upside down everything got black in frant of my eye. Again I talk to him about it. He said I have a business I have many costumers some are good some are bad. Some just want money. I didn’t move I was heart borking. I have no enery to even walk. Then month later I saw on he’s phone girls has been sending picture for him. I cryed yelled scream on top of that he broke my phone and he slaps. And he dicconacet my service. I had no one to talk exept Allah. I knew no one was there for me except Allah. I was praying to Allah to num my heart from this heart broken experience. Then a week ago I read he’s txt messaging he had been talking to another non Muslim girl he ask her to send her picture. I told him about it again he made another excuse. I have not been talking to him now. I loved my husband. But why is he hurting me so much. I have been loyal and good wife to him. I have never look at any men. I alwayes see all of them my brothers. I would not give my husband up for a world. I have forgave him many many times. Not once he have said he was sorry if I ever hurt you. What does he think of me. I’m not a Robert I’m a human being with felling and heart. I will never forget for what he did to me. But I will be strange for my family. Sometimes when I see him I think of everything he did to me. I can’t look at him I can’t stant him. But if corse I love him he’s my husband. He tell me he love me. But I don’t believe him. If he love me he would never look at grils. Im alwayes hurting inside. No one know how I fell but allah. Please what can I do about him so he cant stop whats he doing. Please have me in your prayes I’m hurt so mad. Please pray for me. Sometimes I want to die. But I think about my kids I want to be brave. I thank Allah for everything he had giving me. I’m thankful everyday. Please remember me in your prayers. Thank you my Muslim sisters and brothers. Allah be with all of you. Good bye. I’m sorry I forgot there is many more time he cheated on me I never mention it. This is just think I found out about it. What about those day. I never knew about it. Ya allah ya Allah ya Allah have Raham on me. Only you know how I fell only you know how many times my husband hurt me. Ya allah ya Allah ya Allah you keep my family and every Muslim brother and sisters safe. Amen.

      • Sister Xaneen, I don’t know where in the world you live, but I strongly advise that you find an Islamic center, an imam, or someone of knowledge who can help you get a divorce. The situation which you’re in is detrimental to yourself, your children, and your imaan. If your husband refuses to acknowledge the gravity of his sins and refuses counseling, I truly believe that the only solution for you is to leave him, rather than to continue in this state. May Allah make things easy for you.

  20. Xateen says:

    Salam.
    My husband cheated on me many many times. And every time he never say I’m sorry or anything. And he alwayes say I never cheated on you. I see many Times. Alhamdolila Allah gave me saber. I do think about it a lot for what he did to me. But what can I do allah wanted this to happen. I can’t do anything but to talk to Allah to give me energy to take care of my kids. I never though one day my husband would do anything like that to hurt me this much. I do love my husband so much. I’m a good wife and underful Muslim I do my prayers. But every time I’m hurt I can’t even get up to pray. Allah please forgive me. I’m hurt I don’t trust my husband at all. Every day he comes back from work I read he’s txt messages. And I alwayes find something wrong. What can I go on if he’s keeping hertting me like that. Old saying alwayes say of two people are some they will sleep on one pillow. Will I’m nothing like my husband. I alwayes look after my family making sure are they happy and healthy. I make sure my kids are happy all the time. One you get marred that’s it. You have to look after your husband and kids. Every men are like my brother to me. I hope to Allah no human go though what I’ve been though. I hope to all the victim of cheater to have a heart to forget everything. I hope all of you the best clean life for the rest of yours life. I want all Muslim sister and brothers to pray for me to have saber. Thank you all so much. Allah be with you. My sisters and brother

    • Valerie says:

      Sister Xateen, I am so sorry for where you are right now. I am in the same place I am just starting to take my blindfold off and see my husband for who he really is. For the entire 13 years of marriage he has accused me of cheating but last week I found out really he was trying to cover his infedility. This is a disease in the Muslim Ummah. It is one of the signs of the End of time. The Prophet Mohammed (as) said “There will come a time for my Ummah when they will love five things while neglecting five others:
      They will love this world and neglect the next world.
      They will love wealth and forget the Day of Reckoning.
      They will love corruptive women and forget the houries.
      They will love buildings and forget the graves..
      And they will love themselves and forget the Lord. Those such people dislike me enough and I too dislike them.” Al-Ithna ‘Ashariyyah pg. 202
      May we keep mindful of our duties no matter what life throws at us.
      Sister, do not feel alone. Allah is with you and giving you strength.

      • Xateen says:

        Thank you so much for reading my messages. I’m so so sorry to hear that. I always pray that no one go thought what I go thought. Not even my enemy not that I have one. But if I had one.
        My heart is always hurting. And everyday I think about it. When my family and friends gather up happy laughing. I always pertains I’m happy but I’m not. No one of my family or friends know about my husband. Not even my sisters who we are like best friends. I wish he never did that to me. I don’t Trust him a pit.i know allah is with me bc I can fell him. I’m hurt my heart is broken and I know for sure there is so many holes in my heart. If I know men are like this I would never gat marred. I’m not saying all men some like my husband. How can they are not afraid of Allah how can they don’t think about Allah when they are doing zana. I don’t understand how they don’t think about there family and there wife and childrens. When my husband come home. I’m always going something like cleaning or washing dishes. I never look at him I keep on going my job. And he’s always the one come and talk to me and tell me If I’m ok. He doesn’t understand what I have in my heart. Bc he never been cheated he doesn’t know the horrible pain. Sometimes I pray to allah to make him undresrand my pain. You know I would love to divorce him. But I can’t bc of my kids and what people are going to say. And the most my parents I don’t want to hurt them. But they don’t know my pain I’m doing all this for them. As long as my kids and parents are happy. I’ll take the suffering and pain.alhamdolillah. It would’ve been worse pain. I mean why did he hurt me so much. I’m not ugly I’m not stupit I’m not lazy. I get up 6 in the morning I don’t sit until 8:30 I don’t work. But I do cleaning and cooking going everything around the house. I do men work around my house. He don’t do anything. All he does is work. I try to keep my self buzzy all the time. But every time I think about him hurting me. I cry on and off. Everyday. When I read your message you send me I cried. I know for sure I want chose him in paradise. Inshallah. Allah takes there. He have hurt me so much. I can’t stand him. But I love him. Isn’t it wired. I still love him for he but me thought. Sometimes I wish I never marred him. But then I say tiff nahlat shaytan. This what Allah wanted it.

      • Xateen says:

        Sister Valerie
        Thank you. I will pray for you. Because I don’t want to go though what I have been. If you just find out about your husband. I’ve hurting the 1st year I’ve been marred. I remember one day my husband toke me to work. And I saw this bracelet in he’s car I never thought my husband is cheating. Instill finding everything I was telling my self how stupit I was. May Allah be with you my sister.

  21. Mani says:

    I’m sorry to hear that.
    Please don’t stress your self
    I know it’s hard

  22. Arias says:

    My husband has been using Islam to play around behind my back . Pregnant with our second child he started antagonising me , called me fat , said I wasn’t enough for him… I find out that he has been in contact with another woman , from his family of sayids .. She had come to him stating a dream in which she saw rasool saw who told her she would marry him .. He used this excuse to speak to her eveynight over the internet , she then starts stAlking me saying that he doesn’t live me, that he married me for a visa, that I would never be good enough for their family, that everyone knows about her , that they have slept together in my house … My husband denies this but did not deny speaking to this woman with the view of marriage… I feel soo cheated !! Islam allows polygamy , but really like this?? I feel like my hearts been ripped out and stamped on .. And my poor children !!! I don’t know what to do , what should I do

    • Xateen says:

      Salam sister arias.
      I’m so sorry to hear that. My husband cheated on me to many times. I still leave with him for sake of allah and my kids. Your not a lone. I know your pain. I will pray for you inshallah. This what you need to do your husband will never talk to ather girl. If he see you do this. Get up in the morning go exercise for one hour then take a shower after that. Then make breakfast ready for your family. Make sure your kids are clean when they come to eat. I want your husband see you when you do this. Then your family done eating pickup the food. And when you do it act like your sad. But never talk sad when you talk to your kids. Clean everywhere ack your husband if he like anything so you can make it for him. Wear make up make sure you make your self beautiful for him. I’m not saying you don’t do everything but when you do it make sure you do it right way. My husband know he’s wrong for what he did to me. But I’m not ok I cry all the time. Sometimes I’m ok then next I’m crying like a 2 years old baby. I have so many holes in my heart no one understand except allah. And I know allah is with me. I can fell it. Please pray all the time to allah talk to allah tell him how you fell. He will listen allah is morsefull. Inshallah this will help you my sister. Inshallah allah keep your family toghter all the time. Good luck allah be with you.

  23. Nour says:

    I am feeling sick of seeing all these replies and seeing all the pain you must go through, poor sisters. Allah be with you all.
    I despise all these men who misuse Islam to implement double standards. Islam is meant to empower women and give them rights, not to make them so submissive to their husbands that they will be watching his haram behavior for years suffering for his sins. At the same time I highly doubt your husbands would excercise the same patience and effort to preserve the marriage if it was you who cheated.
    Please do not let yourself being manipulated into believing that you should avoid divorce at all times. It is more than justified in situations like this. Do not believe that your children will feel better in marriage like this than with a single parent. It is damaging the kids, giving them bad example to life. Your sons might grow thinking a man can cheat on his wife, repeating his fathers sins in future. Girls can grow without selfrespect and one day being more of a pleasure slave and house servant to their husbands than a proper islamic wife. I know this because it happened in my family and I wished my mother had courage to leave my father in time. Now I have to take care of my mother as all the distress made her incapable. My brothers are not behaving correctly and flirt openly with other women even if me or their wives are present. This must not be encouraged by endless patience and overforgiving love.

    Allah be with you all!