Advice: In love with a Muslim man

Dear Love, InshAllah,

I find myself in a hard situation with a Muslim man I love. I write because I don’t have resources within the Muslim community and would love that perspective. I am not a Muslim woman though I have much respect for the faith.

For the past 9 months or so I have been dating a dear man from Libya who is here for school on a scholarship. From the beginning it has been clear that there are obstacles to our being together and we kept it very casual and light, but in the past few months we have become much, much closer and he expressed his love for me, and now I have allowed myself to love him very dearly also. However, what just happened a couple hours ago brought our true situation very present to me.

I am a secret to almost everyone he knows, and when he took me out to lunch at his favorite café he asked me not to hug him when I arrived, just shake hands. I understand why, I really do, but personally as a woman of 41 years old that still wants to have children, am I kidding myself to think that he might eventually come around or that it could even work at all?

He is so liberal in so many ways but I’m very uncomfortable being a secret when we have professed such deep love for each other…and he’s not just saying it, it’s true for him. But he doesn’t know what will happen with his country and situation, so I understand that too.

I would love a Muslim’s take on my situation. I am beginning to realize that this love may be an impossible hope for me…and maybe there are aspects of his faith that limit him too much to even consider a longer term, more serious relationship, no matter how liberal he seems. I know the religious and cultural tenants can be very serious and I want to see this situation clearly. Our caring for each other is very unconditional, but maybe I’m kidding myself to think this could eventually work.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I invite your candor and honesty with sincerity.

Sincerely,

In Love with a Muslim Man

Miss Sunshine replies:

Someone who cares about you won’t keep you a secret. You already know that. In fact, it’s clear to me that you know all that you need to know, you just want someone to affirm it for you. I will do that. This man will not give you what you want. Stop now before you tumble further down a hole of degradation and humiliation.

This situation is so common that over the nearly 2 decades of my life as an adult Muslim, it’s almost become cliché. I don’t say this to hurt you, but I need to my words to pierce through any illusions you may be swaddling yourself in. It is possible that this man does have very strong feelings for you, but even if he feels like he is in love with you, he is not willing to treat you lovingly by your standards. He’s got priorities that outrank you, and continuing this relationship will be a constant struggle between his family, his culture, and/or his religious views and you. And, honey, you will lose.

You. Will. Lose. You will lose more often than you win and for every hard-won, heart-wrenching victory born from arguments, tears, anger, lust, and love, there will be a million small and large losses that rob you of your self-respect. When your illusions stop swaddling, and start choking you, and you finally have the strength to end it, you’ll be left half the woman you are now. That is, if he doesn’t end it first. Leave now while it hurts a little and you still have some dignity.

I know you asked for a Muslim’s take on this issue, and I mention religion very little because what you need to understand is that this has nothing to do with religion. This is a universal truth, or at least universal enough to respect it as a rule, acknowledging that there are occasional exceptions. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re an exception. Here’s the truth, a man on the path to commitment doesn’t hide his beloved from his friends and family. He can’t or won’t be the husband and father that you seek, and it doesn’t matter if his reasons are due to culture, religion, or other things. All you need to know is that this relationship can’t give you what you want, and it will take from you more than it gives.

I sincerely hope you find the love and happiness you seek with someone who can give it to you without reservation.

Shy Desi Boy replies:

I once heard my Muslim female friend give her non-Muslim friends the following advice: if the Muslim you are dating does not tell his/her parents—or at least his/her friends—within the first year of the relationship, then walk away.

At the time, I hated to hear this advice because I was that guy—the Muslim in a relationship with a non-Muslim girl that few of my friends knew about. I rationalized this by telling myself we come from different cultural and religious backgrounds that I was not doing this to hurt her. Even when she told me that it bothered her, I did not listen. I told myself she does not understand the different context that I was raised in.

But now I know better: it was not fair. It was wrong and I regret the way I behaved towards her. Yes we come from different backgrounds but I did not do enough to understand her background.

Of course I understand that in any relationship there is a period in the beginning where you may want to keep your relationship private, where you are still negotiating your differences. But your case is different: you have dated this person for 9 month, you are 41, and you have a desire for a serious relationship that may involve having children.

I recommend you sit with your partner as soon as you can and ask about his commitment. He may say that he is still figuring things out and trying to sort out his life. That might be a fair thing to say in months 1-3. Not in month 9, especially with a woman who is 41.

Tell him how you feel by the fact that so few of his friends know about your relationship and how anxious you fell over the direction/uncertainty of your relationship. And discuss the challenges that lie ahead of you: the similarities, the differences, the shared life goals, the different life goals. Perhaps also reach out to couples who have gone through these discussions before, like a non-Muslim/Muslim couple, and ask what they did to overcome these differences.

I do believe it is possible for a non-Muslim and a Muslim to be together. I know many beautiful examples, where the couple has had to fight almost impossible odds to stay together. But life is unfair and often, but not always, life comes down disproportionately hard on the women in these relationships. And it is always a lot of work, sometimes even more work, but I do believe that we are all the better for people like you who are willing to bridge the divide.

Wishing you my best.


65 Comments on “Advice: In love with a Muslim man”

  1. As a Non-Muslim Woman who has been married to an Egyptian, Muslim Man for 15 years, (Together for 18) I can tell you this, all of the advise posted here by Desi-Boy and Miss Sunshine rings so very true. If he hides you from his family and friends, he is not serious about your relationship. You are his booty call until he feels ready (has his degree, has saved enough money) to marry a nice girl from back home. He is telling you what you want to hear. You are better than this, and you deserve better than being hidden in the shadows.

    • Celsa says:

      Excellent advice from those commenting before me. All true…if he loves you and respects you, why on earth should/would he hide you? Heed their advice.

    • Kristin says:

      My Islamic Life, I would LOVE to hear more about you and your ability to bridge the divide in your relationship. I feel confident about mine (see below), but I always need to hear a good story with all the scary ones floating around out there!

    • Broken Angel says:

      Here’s another great advice I found on Google, which I would like to share as I feel it sheds some truth;

      “I have been dating a muslim man for 4 years and every year during this holiday, he has become distant. believe me, its not worth it. There are so many guys who would be willing to treat you like a princess. He is using you and waiting for someone who was raised just as he was. Muslim men want to make there parents/family happy. If you were the most richest, famous, prettiest woman in the world, his family and himself still would find you (wife material)… Please take my advice, just leave. Stop giving the world to a guy who does not care. I know this is harsh but I can tell, already, that you have these thoughts of no future with him. Don’t be in denial. Give your life, love, and yourself to a man who loves you. he will do cute things to keep you around. DONT GIVE IN! he wants sex and happiness. If he has not taught you arabic or how to adopt to the muslim world, or only gave you a little information on it, hes not into u. LEAVE HIM NOW! go get a man who respects you. PLEASE!”

      What do you ladies think?

      • Mikhaela says:

        All i can say dear that muslim guy like him are fuckers. Leave him now while you still have time before he will fuck your whole life like what happen to me. This people will never have a heart for a christian woman like us not even to their own child. Sorry if i used a very harsh word to describe person like him but it is how they should be describe. On my case, even a little grace he should have for his own child with me is nothing. He didn’t even care for his own child nor support him and ask about him. That is how Muslim Guy like him. It is usual for them to neglect things.

  2. Rebecca says:

    I am sure the Libyan man cares for you, but it is not enough. I dated a Libyan man for seven years and then I gave up on it. He will not change, it is a tribal identity. The maintenance of this identity is bigger than you or his wishes. You will know the man for you when he arrives. And he will not appear in a handsome cloak of cowardice.

  3. truthteller says:

    I think the advice above, and the comment above, are all very true, though I really did not appreciate the harsh manner in which Miss Sunshine chose to express herself. I don’t think this is the way you should talk to someone who is going through an emotionally trying and turbulent experience. It is possible to be honest and direct without being harsh. I may be going out on a limb here, but part of me feels the harsh way of communicating that advice comes from her own personal prejudices about non Muslim girls dating Muslim guys and the nature of their relationship, but that’s just my two cents.

    In any case, I can offer you my personal experience. I’m a single Muslim convert, but I was once the non-Muslim girl dating the Muslim guy from another culture (although he was American), not for 9 months but for years. He didn’t hide me, even from his family, and I wasn’t just a “booty call”, but I think everyone including his family knew I was the girl he was experimenting with something different with and being comforted by for a time. He would never marry me. I made way more of an effort to understand and learn about his culture than he ever did to understand mine. I exhausted myself trying to please him and be what he wanted me to be. I erased a piece of my culture and tried to learn how to adopt his own, so that I could be the “woman of his dreams.” I see this so often–guy from another culture is attracted to someone “exotic” only to then try to mold her into the splitting image of a girl from his culture. Believe me, the liberal image melts away once long term commitments, children, family obligations, etc. come into play. Things that didn’t matter to each of you before will matter then. Whether he seems religious or not, or culturally attached or not (many of these men are way more of the latter than the former). This man you are with…he is probably lying to himself first, and to you second. I can tell you that since he is an international student, what I am saying is even more relevant than it was in my case.

    My heart was broken into a million pieces, and it took me years to pull myself back together and recover who I was. At 41, I can tell you that you should not waste your time, you are worth more than that and frankly he does not deserve you. You are a beautiful person and you don’t need someone else trying eventually to mold you into his idea of a beautiful person. Believe me, that is what will happen eventually. You should be the one to be choosy about who you think is deserving of you, not the other way around. If he is hiding you and not committing to you, he is not being a real man and does not deserve you. Break free now and don’t waste your time dear sister.

  4. I appreciate the advice that has been offered but I am also wondering if the Muslim man in question, is a bit more “evolved” than is being assumed, on the basis of a few one-sided “facts.” As Nietzsche said, there are no facts, only interpretations. There is indeed some partial truth in what Nietzsche said but of course there are a few facts in the known universe which are most probably “universal,” and should be acknowledged—but facts about relationships and love are not that universal. Because human beings are at different levels of development and their choices reflect that. I have known a few examples where men in similar situations stood up to what is right and just, and lived by their word, although such examples are not many. I would suggest that Carol Giligan’s work on human development is quite relevant here. She argues that human beings go through some identifiable stages in development: At stage 1 (selfish or egocentric), men are selfish in agentic ways, women are selfish in communal ways (using social ostracism to punish others). At stage 2 (care or ethnocentric), men extend rights to those of their group, tribe, or nation—but demonize those in other ethnic groups—and women extend love and care to their own group or tribe, but gladly offer up sons to the battlefield to slay the enemy. At stage 3 (universal care or worldcentric), the masculine principle extends rights and justice to all human beings, regardless of race, color, sex, or creed; and the feminine principle extends care and compassion to all humans. Of course, actual men and women are a mixture of masculine and feminine modes, with individuals containing various combinations of both. At stage 4 (integrated), the masculine and feminine principles in each person can be integrated in that person, according to Gilligan, resulting in a union of the contrasexual attitudes in each. In each stage of a developmental hierarchy, the succeeding stage is indeed part of a “higher-archy,” because each succeeding stage has more love, more compassion, more care, more justice, more consciousness, more rights, and so on.

    • mamaelyaman says:

      If you love him, let him go. if he comes back to you on your terms, he is yours forever. if he doesn’t, he never was yours. Go on with your life.

  5. amber says:

    I am a Muslim woman who married a non-Muslim man. My parents are fortunately very accepting of people of different races and religions, and I was born and raised in the U.S. A couple months into the relationship, I told my mom about my new boyfriend and told my dad about him as well, later that year. Your boyfriend should do the same .. he doesn’t need to tell his parents about all the details of your relationship, but he should be telling them that he is interested in you as a prospect for marriage. (As a side note, if he doesn’t feel comfortable being intimate in public, that is actually a little more understandable, because in the Muslim community, public displays of affection are unfortunately frowned upon. He might be worried about one of his Libyan friends seeing him and spreading wild and exaggerated rumors.) However, if he is not willing to have a serious discussion about marriage with you or refuses to tell his parents anything about you, then you should leave the relationship. If he’s really serious about you, then that means that he should have the maturity and decency to at least tell his parents that you exist and that he may want to marry you at some point in the future.

  6. Kristin says:

    Well this was an interesting read! I am a non-muslim gal also in love with a wonderful Egyptian Muslim guy, and even I must agree with the comments above. No one wants to feel like they are a secret or part of someone’s ‘double life’. Its an easy thing to do to keep quiet about something like this when his community that he hides you from is across the globe, and of course there are dynamics involved culturally that make this maybe somewhat desirable in the beginning to keep private. I’m wondering after reading the initial post if the man you are in love with is in the same age range as you are? I mean, I have to be honest and say that a younger guy may get away with this easier for a while because he is still much involved with the family and wanting to please them and maybe has never expressed that he is interested in dating someone from another culture to his friends/family and he wants to find a way to ease them into this idea. That is a nerve racking thing to do, I will give you that. BUT if he is anywhere near 41 himself, I have to say geeeez at what point will he grow up and be who he is honestly? This leads me to think if he is near 41 and he is not telling his community and ‘being who he is’ then maybe this ISNT who he is at all. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell because you are in fact a for-now kind of thing in his life. I dont know. These are just my rambling thoughts.

    As for the secret thing, I know first hand how hurtful that can be. In my relationship, I was the one who kept things from my family and friends, while knowing that his did know about me. I could see the hurt in his eyes and hear it in his voice every time he asked why I want him to be a secret or why I’m not proud of him. It broke my heart and I realized I was being so selfish to try to guard myself if things didnt work out. I never wanted to hear a single ‘I told you so’. So of course, I apologized profusely and began to be honest with my community about him. How could I not? Even now, I still feel like I was a monster for doing that to him from the beginning.

    So if he has any conscience, he should tell them! If he can’t then you are clearly not as important to him as you think because he is willing to continue hurting your feelings, and that is just not fair.

    • Mikhaela says:

      I was in relationship with Indian Muslim Guy since 2009 until we finally split-up last Dec 2011 when i was pregnant with our son. We were dating for 2 years secretly out of his family & friends knowledge until he decided us to be together middle of 2011 after coming from his country. During that time, he was so thoughtful and more loving to me. He was also planning to marry me on a secret way but things had gone and nothing happen as i knew that his mom is arranging him a marriage back whom with somebody. After finding that, i took his Dad’s phone # and i call them but that time i was already pregnant with our son. His Dad and all his family member agree that they will set us a wedding and they requested their son to go home for that purpose.

      But after my boyfriend went home on Dec 2011, i got a message from his family that he was not there and soon and so forth. I was so worried thinking that he was not there and trying to find out where is he until one day i catch him online but turning off his ID when he saw me online. So with this, i try sending him a suicidal letter to find out and effectively, he called me and ask me how is my pregnancy but never admit he was in their home. From that, he constantly contact me thru online but he keep me lying that his not in their home until such time i deliver my child without his presence and financial support. I was then decided to stop communicating him as he looks like not interested to his child but he continuously leave a message on my email or send me msg thru my ym.

      Recently after more than a year of no good communication, i was surprised to received his call and how he manage to get my number and he was crying and telling me he missed me so much. Asking me if i’m still single and if I still accept him to be with me. So this case i had try to find out his status in internet and found out that he got married on April 2012 when i was 6 months pregnant of our child and send the photo to him for his information. After that, he stop sending me message and call.

      My question is….. what this guy purpose after leaving me in the past and now his coming back? Is this really the usual Muslim Act toward a Christian Woman like me to be always lied all the time? And his parents after agreeing our wedding, why they set him a wedding with other woman? can i ask him also for financial support as he didn’t give anything for our child?

      • Mikhaela,

        This is not a Muslim/Christian thing. This is a guy who is not yet a grown MAN. He isn’t responsible for his own actions and he doesn’t know what he wants. You don’t say where you live, but my immediate response is that if you live in America, and you have his name on the birth certificate, and he is earning legal money you can file child support paperwork on him.

        If he is still living overseas, I don’t know if you can do anything other than appeal to his mother for support. He obviously allows her to call the shots in his life, so she probably has control over his money as well.

        Other than this, I would say for you to forget him and move on with your life. It will be so difficult, but you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected. You don’t need this drama. You call the shots. You be in the driver’s seat of your own life. You Don’t Need Him. You Deserve More.

  7. mod says:

    relations between different people is not right

  8. Inama says:

    Being Libyan myselfn but growing up in America I can understand both sides of this situation. Let me start off by saying that just because he has not yet told his family about you, in no way does it mean he is ashamed of you.

    Libyan culture is very traditional and although your man is liberal in many things as you said; most likely his family is not. He is torn between two worlds and is most probably struggling in deciding how to not only merge them but to make it as painless as possible for everyone involved. This my dear also includes in sparing you the pain and heartache of potentially having to ‘fight’ for you with his family….BUT that doesn’t allow him to just love you for now and potentially leave you in the future.

    Explain to him(as I’m sure you already have) that you want to be in a committed, open relationship and that being hidden away isn’t allowing you to be true to yourself, your heart and even to him because you feel the need to bury this worry within yourself. Make it clear that you DO understand the cultural differences and the possible backlash he may receive in telling his family….but also make it clear that he HAS to tell his family or that you can no longer be involved with him. I know it is much easier said than done to cut someone you loves so deeply and dearly but if he isn’t willing to come out with it then you have to move on. I don’t usually believe in ultimatums but when it comes to something like this I do and I believe in time limits so he can mentally prepare himself. For example; ‘I will give you until September first to tell your family or I will have to walk away from you and move on.’ I wouldn’t mention it again until a couple of weeks before the set date as a reminder…then if that date comes and he still hasn’t informed his family you must stand your ground and walk away. It will ache and you will try to convince yourself that he just needs more time but that would be the time to surrender to God’s will and move forward.

    • Inama says:

      I also want to add that I have had many friends in this position and when presented the ultimatum the reality of the situation was clear. One of my dearest libyan girlfriend fell in love with a Jewish American. After 2 years of being together she told her parents….they flipped out, and cut her off from their lives. This continued for nearly four years and finally a few months before her set wedding all her friends in the Libyan community let it be known that she was marrying an american. It pushed her parents into the reality that she wasn’t going to give up on him. Their initial reaction was rage but actually calmed down a few days later. Within weeks her mother was helping her adjust some of the wedding plans and acting like a mother of the bride. She just celebrated her one year marriage anniversary with her american husband who has no become very active in the Libyan community and they have Sunday dinners with her parents who now absolutely adore her husband. I had a similar story happen to a male Libyan friend…I’m not giving you false hope….more probable than not he will tell you to move on. You MUST prepare yourself for this reality as the deadline approaches. You also know iinside yourself that although you love him….you don’t want to be with a man who won’t stand up for you. He may have wonderful traits but being cowardice will not be one that will help your relationship now or in the future. You have to value yourself enough to walk away. If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. He tells them asap or move on before you fall any deeper.

      • Broken Angel says:

        I like what you said in your last sentences…”You have to value yourself enough to walk away. If you don’t value yourself, no one else will” so true and I feel more tears well up inside of me, to know that I have de-valued myself for a non-deserving man😦

  9. In love and war says:

    Thank you for having the courage to ask the tough questions at the risk of getting chastised and if you’re like me, knowing full well that the feedback wouldn’t really be what you had hoped to hear.

    Whether dating before marriage is permissible or not, it’s happening. So rather than criticizing the actions of someone, how are we going to deal with it?

    I have also found myself in a relationship with a muslim male who has been in the states for 10 years from Saudi Arabia. We are in our early 30’s. We’ve been dating for approximately 6 months. I am currently a non-practicing catholic (though spiritual). Our relationship is anything but conventional by American cultural standards. The biggest difference being that we’ve made a mutual agreement to abstain from premarital affairs (which I have never done in any other relationship). Because it is currently Ramadan, he has asked that we don’t see one another for the month so he can focus on his spirituality. I have no idea what the outcome will be after Ramadan, if we will remain together or if he will decide otherwise on a basis of faith, but I will have nothing but respect for him should he make that decision. It’s not that I don’t care deeply about him or love him, but who am I to interfere with his most important relationship with god?

    I will not deny, our relationship can be absolutely exhausting at times. How are we ever going to make this work is a question that runs through my mind almost daily when there seems to be nothing but odds against us. We agreed that we didn’t know quite what the obstacles would be or how they would pan out, but that we would approach them together making sure we maintain a mutual understanding and respect for one another.

    Often times reading columns and forums like this can be extremely disheartening and there are PLENTY of them. I’ve read a lot about Islam (on my own terms, not by any pressure from him) as a means to gain a better understanding of him and I will say that I am in fact genuinely interested in the religion, specifically the peacefulness it promotes. However, I don’t know if the behavior I see online is tied to religion or culture/tribe, but I find the Muslims (I don’t like generalizing but for the sake of this response) commenting on these questions online to be extremely critical of one another. Where is the peace in so much back biting and borderline hateful comments of disgust and spite? And why can’t someone’s religion be only between himself and God/Allah without the societal/tribal pressures? Who are we to deny someone to love and be loved? More importantly, why can’t we coexist as friends and as lovers?

    Dating a Muslim when you are a non-Muslim can be a very lonely road. One that you’re left to figure out on your own. When I Google my questions I mostly find overwhelming criticism which leaves me with nothing but the decision to form my own opinions. I have to keep hope that he will maintain the strength to be honest with me and to speak from his heart. It’s extremely important to ask your significant other the tough questions and listen to the tough answers if it may be.

    It’s not a relationship for the faint of heart. It’s wrought with many challenges and you have to be strong. I don’t regret it though. If it doesn’t work out, I have still gained so much from it. I am a better person as a result. It is a beautiful thing when 2 people from vastly different backgrounds can come together and can function peacefully. I frequently think of the bigger picture and if we will be able to sustain this long term however, I also try to keep myself in check and just enjoy the moment with whom I believe to be an honorable man worthy of my respect and admiration.

    I don’t know what will come of us. It’s not that what we have is short of any compatibility or affection for one another. It’s just whether we can both maintain our dignity and beliefs in the process. I don’t want to become a lesser form of myself as I don’t want him to become a lesser version of who he is and his identity. I can only hope that we can make our differences fit together seamlessly like 2 pieces of a puzzle.

    The most important advice I can give is to keep an open mind and an open heart. You must not be afraid to speak up for yourself and ask the really hard questions of your significant other. Form your own opinions and experiences. Respect him and make sure he respects you. Find the middle ground. If you are starting to feel as though you are losing yourself in the process though, it may be time to move on. Any man, religion and/or nationality aside, who cannot handle the real you, certainly doesn’t deserve the lesser you.

    Best of luck and thank you for sharing your story!

    • Dear In Love and War,

      You are not alone in your struggles. When Khaled and I first decided to marry, I searched high and low for guidance on being in an interfaith marriage. The closest I found is between Christians and Jews. Online wasn’t any better. I found only negative experiences or Christians trying to convert their husbands. This is exactly why I started writing about my relationship and my experiences. You are welcome to come over, read through, comment and when you have a question ask! If I don’t know the answer, I will post it and ask the readers. They are a lovely bunch of women who are either non-Muslim married to Muslim or Converts. I do have readers from other faiths as well. They are always willing to help answer questions and offer support.

      Kristina

    • Truth Seeker says:

      Hi All,

      I am a student of comparative sociology and psychology and really appreciate the ideas that are being shared in the context of “love” with the “other.” I really admire the trans-cultural individuals (and how rare they are, be it East or West), but I am also aware that although we humans are born as universal souls, yet long-term conditioning can divide us into “us and them” sometimes for centuries–just look at the enduring conflicts between Hindus and Muslims, Hutus and Tutsis, Shiites and Sunnis, Israelis and Palestinins, and so on. If the children of one group had been switched at birth, they would have exhibited the opposite “free will.” In other words, our aesthetics and politics and interpersonal relations often result from that cultural-political conditioning rather than the universality of our soul, the universality of love, and the universality of oneness. What humans can do in the name of identity (religious, national, sectarian etc) should be well known to any open minded student of history. Mark Twain said it well:

      “If you know a man’s nationality you can come within a split hair of guessing the complexion of his religion: English–Protestant; American–ditto; Spaniard, Frenchman, Irishman, Italian, South American, Austrian–Roman Catholic; Russian–Greek Catholic; Turk–Mohammedan; and so on. And when you know the man’s religious complexion, you know what sort of religious books he reads when he wants some more light, and what sort of books he avoids, lest by accident he get more light than he wants. In America if you know which party-collar a voter wears, you know what his associations are, and how he came by his politics, and which breed of newspapers he reads to get light, and which breed he diligently avoids, and which breed of mass-meetings he attends in order to broaden his political knowledge, and which breed of mass-meetings he doesn’t attend, except to refute its doctrines with brickbats.”

      But those who search for truth and true love do not stop at similarities and familiarities and unconscious biases of color and creed and nationality. They critically analyse the pre-existing conditioning, and keep the eternal, the universal and discard the divisive, and the narcissistic. And above all, they create a new humanistic universal knowledge-base, based on universal truth, goodness and beauty–and most importantly: respect for human rights everywhere on the planet and not just for gene-alikes, meme-alikes. Otherwise why have this potential called free will.

      Concept most helpful in this context is habitus. Its a term used by French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu, who, IMO, should be read in detail before making love choices. Here is a quick explanation of the term: “an unconscious structure always already in place, at work; the social location into which we are born and through which we grow up and come of age; unequal and hierarchical; habitus gives us our class-based, gender-based orientations, preferences, dispositions, ways of being, seeing, speaking, and doing; deciding what is fit for “people like us” and for “people like them”; how and what to eat, to wear, and to desire. Unequal habitus produces unequal human subjects; for example, human subjects formed in elite habitus expect to have and express political opinions relevant to the power discourses circulating in society; mass schooling is the most consequential force in producing docile bodies and in producing unequal outcomes in accord with unequal “habitus.”

      In the end, I would say that an unexamined unconscious habitus is not worth living and loving and dying for. Rumi said it all: “Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a thousand ways to go home again.”

  10. lisa holmes says:

    Kristina,
    I have been reading the different responses here and I am blown away by the honesty and tender mercies of the women here. I also care very much for a Muslim Man we met at a business meeting for entrepreneurs of all faiths….but Michael was very honest in the beginning about what he wanted and since I had some exposure to Islam I was surprised at his honesty. We have a good friendship only been dating for two months. I am aware he wants children and a family he is 43, I am 51. I am not trying to marry him but enjoying the friendship right now! I understand that when he does find his wife we may not be friends anymore…but what is unique is that he has helped me believe that there is a man for me out there and I can trust again. I know a lot may say Wow! A Muslim Man was honest….but that is what makes it so special. I have had my moments about dreaming of a future with him…but I had to face the reality of the situation….and appreciate it’s peace which is what I have with him. If the circumstances were different and I was younger and could have children…I would consider the latter. Michael has not hidden me away from family or friends….but we both know that when the day comes he will marry. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket ..I am preparing myself for a future but it great to have met and cared for such a wonderful., beautiful Man.
    As long as you know where you stand you can not lie to yourself…your instincts will always tell you. Lisa H.

    • Lisa, It is so very nice to meet you! Thank you for sharing your story. It is a difficult struggle to know that your time with him will not be long, but it is sweet to treasure this time and learn what you will from your relationship. There is a reason you are with Michael, be open to that possibility.

      Peace,
      Kristina

    • Broken Angel says:

      Ok now I am crying even more, reading along these comments…it’s like knowing someone is going to die anytime soon and about to leave your life…knowing this, why hurt yourself? Are you in love with him?

      • lisa says:

        Yes, I am very much in love with him, and he is with me in response to the reply left on december 3, 2013. There is no death in love when friendship is concern. I am happy working my business and keeping my heart open for love…he is preparing his life as well. It is better than lying to myself and keeping hope alive for something I can not yet see. I do believe he is in my life for a reason and friendship allows us to explore the possibility without unrealistic ideas.

        • Broken Angel says:

          Hmm…for your sake, I hope you never get hurt like I did. The fact that you are actually in love with this man already well…I think you’re more than a just a friend to him. Anyways all the best.

          • lisa says:

            To Broken Angel…I really appreciate your kindness of my feelings and I am ever so sorry of the hurt you have been through. I have decided to pursue other things that are more important to me now so me getting serious about my muslim friend or anyone else is not on schedule for now. I believe I have made a good decision and I thank you for your wisdom.

      • Not So Broken Angel anymore says:

        To Lisa,

        I understand your position now, although I decided now to remain ‘just friends’ with mine, I know deep in my heart I will not be able to cope to see him with another if that time comes.

        So even though I say it’s best we remain friends for our happiness sake, I know I may not want to be in contact with him for quite some time to save me from the pain of future possibility of seeing him be with someone else who I deeply wished was me.

        I said to him that it’s best for us to remain as friends so I can part in peace with him and not exactly to be friends.

        Thank you for your kind reply also.

  11. Asha says:

    My name is Asha, and I am a non muslim Christian woman that recently started dating a Muslim man. From day one, he told his parents about me, and I did the same. We are so compatible and our goals align with each others. It has been a month, but I have learned so much from him. At first I wanted to learn about Islam because I wanted to get a greater understanding about him. However the more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. We spend countless hours on the phone speaking about the teachings of the Qur’an. It is so amazing and every time, we hang up I have this yearning to learn more. I recently asked him for a Qur’an, so that I can read on my own in order to get a greater understanding of Islam and the peace that it brings with it. For the first time in my life, I am really happy. I am even praying more and continuing to build my relationship with God/Allah.We have decided to not be intimate until marriage. I am falling in love with this man, and we have talked about marriage. Everyday as our conversation grows longer, my feelings grow deeper, and I can see myself being married to him.

    • May says:

      I have a 2year old daughter with a muslim man. I am a non muslim. We are no longer together. I worked extremely hard to make the relationship work, I compromised so much of my own culture, myself and my relationship with my own family to make him happy and make things work for our daughter. Many moments that should have been filled with joy were tense with frustration and anger. So many battles, so much emotion, so draining. I lost myself for a while and sometimes feel guilty for staying and exposing our child to this conflict. We are now separated but the battle is not over and never will be. I was very naïve when I first met my daughters father, believing that love can conquer all. He drunk alcohol occasionally, he’d had previous sexual partners, he didn’t pray, he did do Ramadan though. I didn’t think being in a serious relationship with a muslim man would be so different than a non muslim man. We talked on the phone for hours, he was so attentive and caring, intelligent, bilingual, attractive. I thought I had met the one for me. Once our relationship became serious and he had told his family about me he began to change. I should have had alarm bells ringing but I was in love, a very passionate love. I don’t feel any prejudice towards the muslim religion. I know there are many happy unions between non muslim and muslim couples. I feel sad that these differences in cultures can tear a happy couple apart. Why do muslim men portray themselves to be so liberal then change dramatically upon marrying their wives. Their family, values and beliefs go out the window when they are single then bam they come down on you like a ton of bricks. Falling in love with a muslim man has changed my life in ways that I would never have imagined. If you are having doubts now, listen to them. Listen to your gut instincts before it is too late.

      • lisa holmes says:

        May,

        I can feel your frustration and pain over this relationship, and the fact that you have a child can only make it even more concerning. I am also caring deeply for a muslim man and from the beginning he was very upfront about what he wanted and did not want.

        I made the decision to keep it friends and we have enjoyed each other. Yes I agree my friend was very passionate, intelligent and very handsome I have met his sister and it was very positive..

        But I knew from the beginning that having children with him would be beautiful but difficult I got a idea of the this because he is very devoted to Islam, and does seem to be discipline, but I know if we were married he would be very controlling, especially about his children and his anger side which I saw once was something to think about but I held my ground and refused to back down I think it really made him think how we could not be married even though he respected my stance. I personally would have no problem with any children from him being raised muslim but we would have to be married me as a non-muslim woman.

        Since I know that will not happen …I am good just with the friendship. Stand your ground about what you want for your child…seems he will probably have children with another then she will have to deal with him.

        Be blessed,
        Lisa

    • JJ says:

      Asha, your story is incredibly beautiful and I hope you’re that happy forever!!!🙂

      A younger relative just got engaged and became the first person of our family’s generation to do so. It’s kind of weird for me, but not, because I’ve always had certain goals in my mind because my parents have worked so hard to provide for me and my siblings. But, my mom was one hundred percent correct today when I told her I wasn’t getting married for a long time. She said “you never know what’s in store for you.” It’s definitely the truth! I hope to have a great relationship in the future (but just not right now😉 ). Good luck in the future!!

  12. Darrion says:

    I am a young woman currently dating a Muslim man. It can be quite difficult at times, because it seems like nobody but the two of you really understand your relationship. I will have been dating my guy for a year this Thursday and he still has not told his nuclear family about the two of us. He’s told two cousins who would “understand” and two of his best friends from childhood.

    I think it’s really hard for us to completely understand where they are coming from. I will say though, that my guy, after being with me for 10 months decided to tell his family, and he’s working on doing that. I never had to say anything to him about it. He can’t just go visit them, so he’s trying to get one of his sisters to buy a webcam so he can video chat with them (he can’t tell them over the phone, and I understand).

    It’s a really big deal though, and it will be hard for a family to come to terms with him dating someone outside of their faith and culture, especially if there are language barriers. Give him time. He knows it’s important to you, if he doesn’t solve the problem in a few months…I would reassess the situation.

    I actually have a blog about dating my Muslim guy (some of the hardships and stupid things people do). If you’d like, you’d be more than welcome to check it out.

    http://travelinglightwithlove.blogspot.com/

    I wish you the best of luck.

    • Siobhan says:

      I met my Egyptian Muslim guy on a dating site, I was a bit weary at first, but after having many bad experiences with English guys I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt, we chatted for hours and I liked the way he spoke, he was very respectful and did not once speak about sex with me, after a week of chatting we met up, we got on so well, we met up a few more times after that, it was like we had known each other for years, he told me all about his faith that he had been married to an English women in Egypt before but had divorced her in Egypt and had one child by her, this did not bother me as all people do have history, although he was only 33, I am 46. He appeared very intelligent and seemed to know what he wanted from his life in England as he came here to be near his son and had a takeaway business, also the other day I drove him for his final interview to get his English passport which he should be getting in a few days time, so was not after me for that. In our over a month of seeing each other we had some fantastic times with each other, without sex, just a lot of kissing and cuddling although I really was yearning for him, I though this was very respectful of him. 2 weeks into seeing each other he told me he loved me I thought this was a bit to soon, but I soon found myself saying it back because I really did and do believe it, after about another week, he told me he wanted to spend his life with me, I was scared of the culture difference so he told me he did not want to marry again but wanted to live with me and be with me for ever and also he did not want any more children, I was really happy with this as I did not want either, I was going to sell my flat and we were going to buy a house together, near to where my parents live and where he works, I need to take care of my parents as they are ill and elderly, so thought this was a fantastic idea. Then what I really need advice on is, all of a sudden he told me that last year he married an Egyptian Muslim women, I was gutted and, his mother had organised the marriage, she is his first cousin and has lived with them for years, he says he only married her out of respect for his mum, but also so a bad muslim would not marry her and that she is more like a sister to him, to me this is just to strange, I suppose he could have waited to tell me when we had moved in together, or maybe he really did just want to be upfront and honest with me, but he said I would have to be kept a secret from his family as they would not approve of him living with a western women. DID HE TELL ME BEFORE WE MOVED IN TOGETHER BECAUSE HE REALLY DOES HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. I told him it did not matter weather he loved her or not he was married and I could not live with a married man and be kept a secret from his family, oh and he goes back to Egypt one month in the year, but says he never sleeps with her. I also told him my fear that once he made his money here he would bring her over and I would no longer exist, he said he would never bring her over here because she is disabled. I know what you must all be thinking, but I really fell in love with him, I know the alarm bells are ringing, but surely he could have waited until we moved in to tell me, if he was going to get money out of the house. I know I may sound like a stupid lady, but I am so desperate for a bit of happiness in my life, I am still greifing over the death of my sister. Please help me, I have not actually finished it with him yet, but have told him I cannot live with him, but feel it will dissolve because of him being married. PLEASE HELP

      • John says:

        Dear

        Seriously you are blinded. the earlier you quite the better for you because there is no future and he does not love you. Sorry but the truth needs to be told except you are willingly to live like a someone without no one. What will you tell your parents. Wake up from the slumber

      • OH Siobhan, I’m so, so sorry this man lied to you. You deserve better than being lied to and treated this way. Be gentle with yourself, you did nothing wrong. You have to decide what you are willing to live with. Can you trust him after this?

  13. sam says:

    I advise you against all what every one here said to you almost. if the guy loves you he is afraid of something you can not say he does not love you because he does yet he have a mental or reality obstacle that stops him from bringing you to the light
    possible reason are as follow:
    1- he maybe afraid that since you are not a muslimah yet , he maybe harmed by people talk and damage his reputation
    2- he maybe have another relationships with you he does not want to expose like he maybe married and you are his lover but he have a wife
    3- he maybe no interested in relationships for now because he plan to leave the country and go back
    4- he maybe applying for immigration status and have not done with it yet so he is waiting for that to be over
    many reason may make a an hide you just like any maerican person who hide his lover and it never means he does not love you at all
    these people who answer you this way and suggested walk away themselves are unhappy in their marriage I can tell you and think they are best of all , they do not know what love is
    I suggest that you set with him and make him open up to you through real trust and try to find these fears and heal them and u will become a wife

  14. Barbara says:

    I have fallen in love with an Senegalese (now American citizen), he is an amazing man. I believe as he says that he loves me too. Nether of us expected this to happen. Unfortunately, a few months prior to us meeting, he religiously married his prior wife from Senegal. He had told me, but it was not until recently I understood the full impact of this marriage contract. Feeling confused.

  15. secret love says:

    I would like to write just a short comment. As I am a follwer of the teachings of Christ and find the muslim people very dear to my heart. The message is that Love is the most important thing in life, which comes from the Lord Jehovah (Allah). Put all of ur faith and love in Jehovah (Allah) and know His will is the greatest of all. Ask Him to direct you in the way of your life. He will not misguide you and He will never leave you. All God fearing servants of the Most High knows that love conquers all through the faith of Jehovah.

    • lisa says:

      Secret

      I agree I am also a follower of Christ and that is very important to me. But I have love for all people of all faiths. I have to admit some parts of the Muslim belief is so beautiful and peaceful, the prayers and affirmations are so wonderful it helps me to understand my good friend who is Muslim.

      So I will continue to pray to The Lord (Allah) that our differences do not make the love diminish
      as we go through this life’s journey. I thank the Lord (Allah) for my relationship with my good friends I have come to love in Islam.

      -Lisa

  16. Malikah says:

    Bismillah IR Raman IR rahim
    As a Muslim woman I have to say that your boyfriends behavior goes totally against what we are taught in Islam. Muslims ARE NOT allowed to date because this leads to great sins. He should not be hugging you or any other woman that is not his wife. In the end I think you will be hurt because eventually he will probably go back and marry a Libiyan woman. Save yourself the heartache and end things ASAP.

  17. Lilian Tweve says:

    It seems the man doesnt really love u, he was just attracted to you for a while..he might be having another woman, calm down, give yourself sometime and you will find a loving kind man.

  18. lisa says:

    I do have a question as a Non-Muslim woman in many of these letters the man approaches us for a relationship if he is a Muslim man then he already knows what it says in the Qurran about sexual sin?. The blame should also be on the man..because if your religion does not allow you to date then how do you get to know your partner, thus makes it easier for them to date Non-Muslim women. That does not make Non-Muslim loose many are virtuous, it just means that regardless of religious views people will do what they want. I believe its easier to be honest upfront..

    • JC says:

      Dear Lisa,
      The Qur’an does not say that a Muslim man may not have a relationship with a Muslim woman – it says that a man may not have a relationship with a woman – regardless of faith – unless they are wedded in the bonds of matrimony. So, similar to what you said – no one should blame the non-Muslim (man or woman), as one cannot expect a person who is not a follower of the religion to know it or abide by it. But, as you said, the blame should be on the Muslim (man or woman) because they DO know it is wrong. A sexual relationship is a sin for the Muslim regardless of the faith of the other person, if outside of wedlock.

      Islam DOES allow us to get to know one another, but to maintain our chastity. Relationships can easily turn physical, and it takes a lot of will power to stop oneself from taking it to the next level; thus dating and such are discouraged. Knowing a man or woman intimately is reserved for the married couple, and not for the unmarried or extra-married (married to someone else). I spent nearly a year speaking to, meeting with and getting to know my spouse before we finally had a proposal and our marriage. We’ve happily been married for over 12 years now and still have that spark in our relationship.

  19. Lisa says:

    I’m a Lebanese American who also dated a Muslim man for a year until recently. He was such a wonderful man and still is. He always treated me with respect and kindness. We had something very special until he went home to Libya to visit his family. I only got one phone call from him in the 2 months he was gone and we were used to talking a few times a day when he was here .It was something I was going to discuss with him when he got back but when he came back about 2 months ago , he was a little distant. Before I had a chance to talk to him about why he didn’t stay in touch with me more, he said that he had been stressed out about the decision to stay in America or going back home to live with his family. I was devastated because even though I knew we had some differences , I thought we would conquer them because of our adoration for one another. Yes, we were intimate but that didn’t happen until 7 months into the relationship.Everything was almost perfect until he left. I think by going back to Libya, he was reminded that he wasn’t living his life the way he should in America and his family put a lot of pressure on him to move back. I don’t think they knew about me or else he would of contacted me more. I know his close friends here did. I’ve waited for about 2 months to find out what he has decided but he says he still doesn’t know. He says he so lost and confused and he doesn’t know what the right thing to do is. With the distance and the uncertainty, I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was just too painful. We had a few emotional talks but there were never any definite answers. I know with all my heart that he would never hurt me intentionally. It doesn’t mean I won’t be hurt though. I told him that maybe it was best for us to not talk or see each other anymore. I wished him the best and told him he was a good man and that he would always be special to me and that I just wanted him to do what was best for him and he wished me the same. I had to take myself out of the picture so he could figure out what he wants for his life. Maybe it’s here, maybe it’s back home. I do feel he is torn between the 2 for sure, I just don’t know all the reasons why so I ended it to take the pressure off of him and to prevent more pain for myself. I was aware of our differences early on but I chose to live in the moment and not ask important questions about his beliefs . I think I did the right thing by walking away though. I don’t know if my story is quite the same as everyone else’s but I just had to share.

    • Lisa, Thank you for sharing. Every romantic relationship is different. It doesn’t matter what country or what religion someone is, there are always the good eggs and the bad eggs. The good eggs are precious, but the bad eggs often come with a series of red flag markers that are often very noticeable once you are not in the middle of the journey. When you match up the religion and culture of each man, and group the similar characteristics, you will notice a pattern in the red flags. Secrecy is a Giant Banner. I’m so, so sorry you are dealing with this heartache. You are worth so much more than this. You Deserve Better. Be strong.

  20. Broken Angel says:

    I can’t believe this topic is being discussed here only this year – just when I needed it. It’s a small reassurance to know that I’m not the only one going through similar experience, small but yet comforting in these times of heart break that I’m going through right now (mind you, been through a lot of heart break with this guy). So thank you My Islamic Life🙂

    I too had a close intimate relationship with a Libyan man who I met online and he made me believe that he truly loves me deeply as I do of him. It’s a long story and tiring for me right now to share as I am weakened by the sadness and the unbearable heart break. This year would be 8 years I have connected with him online (even through the Feb 14 Libyan Revolution we managed to keep connected) and since it’s been so long already, I have decided to send a message to him about taking our relationship further to a serious level of commitment – long story but this is what I sent and maybe can explain my situation here;

    “I wish I could to talk to you about this right now, but it seems this is the only effective way I can communicate with you.
    I’m at a stage in my life now where I need to get some clarity and get serious. Right now I’m starting a new career path (lots of studying) and planning for the rest of my future.
    Part of that is I need to be clear where we stand. I’m not sure if your after a serious relationship with me? It seems harder for us to keep in touch these days, requires more effort than before.
    I really need to know as we’ve done this online thing for far too long and although I have strong feelings for you, I still have not met you in person to know if we should be together or not and that’s fine for now, as long as I know that you want to be serious with me then it’s all worth it.
    I know your quite busy yourself right now but this is important for me to know. I would probably prefer for us to discuss this over the phone if possible but if not here will be suffice.
    Let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger anymore and time is precious…reply when you’re ready.
    Hope your safe where you are now,”

    It’s now more than a month has passed and no reply since, he disabled his account from where I sent this message from and I try to call him with no avail. even though I already felt like a foolish idiot – I know that this is not how I deserve to be treated but I didn’t want to make assumption so I exhaust all options to make sure I have not left a stone unturned.

    It’s now nearly the end of this year 2013, even though I still have strong feelings for him – I can never take back a man (who am I kidding, he has ‘boy’ mentality) who didn’t even have enough respect and decency to have at least replied and let me know that he wants to move on. Rather just left me very confused, heart broken and robbing me of my inner peace.

    The angry part of me wished his balls exploded from one of the bombs during the revolution and if he ever stumble upon reading this site, I wish him permanent erection disability (I’m trying my best not to include swearing words).

    I do still love him (and I don’t know how to stop it for now) and holds on to a hope that it may just be misunderstanding and he’ll get back with me soon (but who am I really kidding here but myself). What hurts me the most is now knowing that I can never be involved with him anymore (regardless if he tries to contact me again). So for the last time I will cry many tears, embrace the mourning of my lost and accept the fact that he wasn’t the one for me after all those years.

    I finally got the reply that I needed to know.

    I feel for the rest of the woman on here who are in a much worst predicament and your story gave me support. I wish you all find inner peace and an amazing fresh start for the new year, hope that the next man you fall in love with will love you deeply the same way you do.

    Assalamu alaikum – “May peace be upon you”

    • Broken Angel says:

      continue…

      I finally got in touch with him today…I was hesitant at first but I needed closure.

      I told him how I felt and how he seem to be ignoring or not replying. At least to have the decency and respect to let me know he wants to end things with me.

      I feel like beating out a tune of a music I heard a long time ago “set me free why don’t you babe, get out my life why don’t you babe, cause you don’t really love me, you just keep me hanging on” anyone else know that song?

      Anyway…

      He responded with a sad face ‘😦 ‘

      and I thought…’what a loser’

      Deactivate.

      • Not So Broken Angel anymore says:

        I’m talking to him right now, this is what I said;

        “Anyway, although I would have love that we may progress to something more committed, I have the feeling it is best for us to remain friends. We’re both already happy this way🙂
        Especially everything I read, while doing some Google research ;)”

        He said, he dream of us in Thailand (not where I’m from btw) together both dressed in white, and it was raining all the time. How it was silly but love it.

        I said I dream of him all dressed in white up in heaven looking as handsome as he was when I first met him….and that it was the best place to get married.

        So okay, if he happens to stumble upon and read this, he would know this is him and I apologise for calling him a loser and that wishing his balls have blown to bits with a permanent erection dysfunction. I was speaking in anger obviously.

        I have accepted that it’s best for us to remain friends for the sake of both our own happiness.

        Happy that I got the chance to speak to him in proper but I know it would only break my heart to bits to see him with another.

        I’m now at peace of mind and this maybe the last I speak with him and hopefully I have enough will power to close all kinds of communication I have of him.

      • Lindis says:

        Dear BrokenAngel, the feelings you’ve talked about is so true for my case too.. I don’t know how long it would take me to “recover” from the pain. The guy just told me on New year’s eve that he will be marrying someone in Pakistan.. we had been together for three years in London…So the past three days have been sleepless and miserable on my end.. Wondering if I may send you a message for advice…It does give me some hope to see that you got back your happiness, and I’m not alone with many girls having similar stories..

    • Broken Angel says:

      @Lindis I feel for you dear, it’s time like this if we all could just give one another comfort and support here – I just had another major blow up with this guy again and no we can never be just friends, it’s too painful. Best to just try and walk away, delete everything or keep his pics somewhere but not look at them any more until then…currently I have decided to start seeing other people and it’s really helping heaps!

      I don’t think you could ever get over him until you start seeing/dating someone else, even if it’s just for short term – just start seeing or dating other guys. We all deserve to find someone who truly wants to be with us.

      Don’t waste any more of your precious time, if he truly loved you he will commit only to you but if it’s because of his culture/religion then unfortunately as hard it is to accept and swallow, there’s a high probability you will lose if not already.

      It’s not fair but just have to accept it and move on. I have to do the same even though I know he cares for me deeply, but I don’t deserve to carry that burden for him.

      We make choices in life, he made his. Now I will make mine.

      I can’t believe he told you that during new year’s eve – what an asshole! He wants you start the year miserable? WTF? Excuse me for the language but seriously, what a dick – after all those years – hope he has a miserable married life, don’t worry there’s a thing called ‘karma’.

      It’s just so selfish of them to start a relationship with us knowing that they can never truly commit because dating is not allowed with women of their own culture/religion, so essentially even though these men love us they’re still just using us for the time being.

      Leave me your email and I can message you back. It’s going to take time but best to toss away all your hopes, I write a diary to help me release all my emotions…I have more to say but this would do for now🙂

    • Broken Angel says:

      In continuation…

      This is how screwed up my relationship with this guy is, so we have established that we can’t take our relationship to anything more serious or committed – I’m pretty sure that part is very clear.

      So when I asked him (I’m not even sure why I even asked, so silly of me) that if it’s ok then I start seeing/dating other guys since we’re not going serious/committed any more, he blew up and got so upset and tell me not to speak to him again???

      What the f??? Did he expect me to be just with him and not see other people but yet not be willing to go serious/commitment with me after all those years? Does that mean the guy really loves me?

      Seriously that’s not fair of him to be upset at me, for all I know he could be seeing someone else or even get married to someone any time soon.

      OMG I need therapy after this I think…all I can say at this point is wtf?

      Yes I still do love him but I also deserve to be happy and move on with someone I can have a future with, and walk away from all the drama.

      I was hoping to start this year fresh but yet still have tears down my face when ever I find myself thinking about him…but I’m doing better now, I’m seeing other gorgeous guys now🙂

  21. stuck in the middle says:

    I am a non- muslim woman and I currently have a Muslim boyfriend who is from Pakistan. I am 24 years old and he is 26. He came from a conservative and a well- educated family. We’ve only been together for almost 4 months and I seriously fell for him. The problem is I think he’s not serious about me. He only mentioned he loves me thrice in 4 months being together. During our first month, I already mentioned him to my family and I told him about that. He never said anything. I thought he would do the same, but he didn’t. A few of his schoolmates knows about me, but not he’s real friends.

    He was sweet during our first month but the next few months, he changed. Everytime I say I miss him and I love you, his only response would be i miss you,too. I know for a fact that he isn’t serious but I kept denying that maybe he’s not or maybe he’s just preoccupied with work and other stuff.😥 I don’t know what to do. I am scared to lose him.

    * If there are Pakistanis here, could you help enlighten me. Thanks a lot.

  22. Rebecca says:

    I am in a similar situation I am british and Christian and married to a Pakistani man for over 6 years. We love each other but I know I am a secret. I am willing to convert to Islam so we can be married properly. But he says he doesn’t know if his family will accept me they are currently pressuring him into finding a wife. He says he will tell them about me… I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me and we’re very happy. Part of me thinks they will never accept me he says he will never leave me but am I expected to carry on while he has another wife? I can’t bear the thought of sharing him! Please help. I also have a son who’s ten who thinks of him as his dad I can’t just destroy my family😦

  23. Sharice says:

    Hi everybody. I need some advice regarding my relationship. I’m a 22 year old non-muslim woman in a 4 year long relationship with a 27 year old Muslim man. Unlike the orig. article he isn’t hiding me, he shows me very proudly to his friends and family. However growing up with his cousin forces her to be honest with me, and she often tells me that his parents can’t stand our relationship, and would never accept us getting married as long as I am not a Muslim. That’s where the tricky part begins because whenever I confront him he tells me the exact opposite, and even if they did not approve of our future together as husband and wife he couldn’t care less. I have several times asked them to be honest with me, but they always tell me that they don’t care if he would marry me or a Muslim woman as long as he is happy. I’m afraid they are lying to him / me, just because they doesn’t want any drama and also because they still see me as a experiment.

    We often talk about marriage and since he is 27 and educated he is more than ready, traditionally an Arabic man pays for the wedding, however that’s not how I was raised and also I want a big and exclusive wedding, due to the fact that I’m still studying, this dream wedding will not be a reality within the next three years. Even if we do get married how could I live happily with a man, if the two persons whom he loves the most can’t accept it? And how long would that last ?

    However my question is, should I be concerned about the fact that we can’t get married now (in case I will lose him in three years?), or should I ignore the surroundings and focus on the love we share ? I just don’t want to end up heartbroken over something I was already warned about. I hope someone can help me.

    • Mikhaela says:

      Madam,

      Please don’t expect his parents will approved you to be his wife because the same thing it happen to me but all of them betrayed me at last just the time i left home, they set his marriage with other woman whether he like it or not. Muslims are born traitor even how much your so good to them, they will definitely go for the same kind as them. So stop dreaming and get out of that fucking relationship you have now.

      • Kristin says:

        Sharice, I don’t know what to advise you. Its very hurtful to hear his family members say that his parents can’t stand your relationship. Relationships are soooo very complicated, and I have learned through mine that his parents are probably not nearly as concerned whether you are Muslim or not. Yes, they will pray for you but will probably not pressure you. What they ARE afraid of is that your relationship will erode his faith. You have to show them that you support him just as you would want to be supported. Yes its easier if faith is shared, but it is possible in my opinion to live lovingly together and not convert. There are countless couples doing this. Communication and trust is key, whether we are talking about this particular topic or anything else under the sun related to marriage. As for your big wedding plans and your three year timeline….tone it down a little babe. The way you posed your question/statement about that made me feel that the event is more important in your heart than the man. Try to be a little more flexible with that, because after all, the wedding ceremony topic is MUCH more minor than the faith topic and he is likely being incredibly flexible and forgoing things that he and/or his family any had originally dreamed up for him.

        Mikhaela, It is clear that you have been deeply hurt. I respect your experience and genuinely pray that you will come to peace with it, but PLEASE do not project your hurt onto others. This should be a safe place for others to seek advice without being berated by extreme thoughts. Also, profanity not appreciated.

        Here’s to hoping that 2014 is wonderful for you all and that love, while it will never get less messy, will be ever sweeter.

        Blessings,
        Kristin

    • Mikhaela says:

      Ms. Kristin,

      I would be so happy in your advise but the problem is you don’t know what your talking about these people. How will you describe a people whom you help with, access in all the things specially getting a good job and after all will betrayed you for the sake of Islam. Isn’t these people are no difference with a snake whom you take care of but later well bite you after. If you want to know more about them, just live with them in see for yourself how traitor they are.

      If Muslims are not tolerating their wrong doing, why there are no Muslim Religious Leader are taking care of this Issue?