Three’s Company

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I must seem like good wife material to these brothas…

Second wife material that is.

Let me break it down for those of you who don’t quite understand.

In Islam, a man is allowed to have more than one wife. He can have up to four if he so chooses. Now there are rules when it comes to this practice. He must be financially stable and just to all of his wives. This is not like a harem thing where the brotha gets fed grapes under a palm tree on some tropical island. It ain’t that kind of party.

Since I have embarked on this search I have had several brothas ask me if I was interested in joining their families. Most of these men are fairly young, successful and seem to have pretty good marriages. Interestingly enough, their wives are perfectly fine with entering plural marriage.

I must admit. It weirds me out.

One sister actually asked on her husband’s behalf.

First off, I don’t like to share and if I don’t want to share my husband that is my right. If Allah blesses me with a husband I would want him for myself. I’m 100% woman. If he has me then he doesn’t need anyone else.

Sistaqueens, know your value.

If you choose to take part in polygyny because you desire to practice it then gon’ ahead!

Also, if you decide to practice polygyny due to desperation and frustration I suggest you to do a self evaluation.

Thing is these married brothas are so persistent.

Common one liners I’ve heard:

“Sista, the Prophet and his wives did it. You think you’re better than them?”

Exactly! The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was just that – the Prophet! So rather than trying to emulate this practice to your advantage why not try something else? Perhaps night prayers, feeding the poor, or having more patience. If you desire to be so much like our Beloved there are an array of good acts to choose from. I can provide you with a list.

“It’s too much temptation these days. Would you rather have a brotha cheat on his wife?”

My thirsty brotha, please have a seat somewhere. Ain’t nobody got time for you to be talking this mess right now. If you are already married and concerned about infidelity then you need to examine your current relationship. Is there something lacking in your marriage? Do you have an insatiable appetite? If you answered yes to either of those then polygyny is not going to solve your problem.

“There are a lot of Muslim women who need help. Don’t you want for your sister what you want for yourself?”

Yes, sure there are many women in need… but hot dayum do you have to marry the sista to help her out?

Pass.

Don’t religiously guilt a sista into polygyny. This practice is an option. It doesn’t make you any less of a Muslim if you choose not to practice this.

I cannot stand Muslims who exploit the religion to their advantage. Most would think that brothas take advantage of polygyny.

But guess what though?

Many sistas do too.

This is a recent finding of mine. I have had several friends enter polygyny due to the simple fact that they don’t want a husband “full time.” They would prefer to share their man with another woman. For these women it means less cooking, less cleaning and all your needs are taken care of.

Now, for some couples polygyny works perfectly fine. From what I have seen it takes certain personality types, a lot of patience and sacrifice. It can actually be successful if all those involved get along.

Do what makes you happy and always remember Allah.

You’ll never lose with that.

Ihssan Tahir is a twenty something self-proclaimed “SistaQueen” living in Chicago. She is a registered nurse and specializes in emergency and trauma medicine. In her spare time she enjoys writing and practicing the violin. You can follow her candid blog about her husband hunting endeavors and relationship tidbits at http://muslimnlove.com/.


24 Comments on “Three’s Company”

  1. “Sista, the Prophet and his wives did it. You think you’re better than them?”

    Seriously? Polygyny or no, trying to guilt-trip and manipulate you before you even go on a date? Ugh. PASS.

    “I cannot stand Muslims who exploit the religion to their advantage.”

    Amen. Or Christians, or Jews, or Buddhists, or politicians… Or men. I recently married a really nice, genuine guy (Muslim from Turkey who respects all people regardless of religion, gender, etc.), and I’m wondering now why I bothered with so many jerks for so long…

    • Cheyanne Lennon says:

      You’re asking if she thinks she better then the Prophet’s wives, but it’s other way around. MashAllah the Prophet’s wives are so much better than most of us. I could never live with another women and my husband. But all of them could and treated each other well.

  2. Jesus Ibn El says:

    Interesting read.

  3. love your style. It’s easy and witty and honest, without being too angry. I respect your views totally and will have a lot of time for your writing in the future! Thanks for sharing!

  4. anushay says:

    it is said in the quran that you can marry four women but you must do justice amongst them…….and in the next verse in the quran it is said…”which you cannot”……….meanign that the prophet surpassed everyother man and cud do justice amongst wives but our men cannot so it is better not to enter into a practice where you would not be able to truy act upon what is being said by Allah subhanatala………and allah truly knows what is in our hearts and if some obne uses religion as an excuses for his excess then he has sinned

  5. I love you, GAWD.. guilt tripping you. Ok how’s here for becoming “just like” the Prophet, ask them to marry someone 20 years elder, as their first wife.
    Really, why isnt that made “Sunnah” Enough..

    Proud of you, for not getting pulled into this.. MESS.

  6. White Pearl says:

    you are very right sister ! Some people take the religion as a shield to protect what they do….This is wrong ! As far as I know, if one wife is happy and if the person is rich enough to do another marriage, he can do…. But what is the need ? I guess if you know some women who needs a marriage and you can do it with consent of your wife then you should do it ! And yes there are some things only Hazrat Muhammad PBUH can do….. they were not for normal muslims ! It is right that we should be just like Him, But still there are certain things we should ponder upon first….. A great write up !

  7. There is sooo much truth to this. I can’t amen this enough.

  8. Idris Tafirenyika says:

    Great writing and insight! I love to here strong sisters who haven’t been trick into thinking that copying is practicing. My Allah ta Ala guide you to the true success in this world!!!

  9. marjani says:

    really????? sooo many muslimahs not married because they refuse to share. sooo many muslimahs not married because they can’t find a “good brother.” but if/when a “good brother,” who is married comes around. we run the other way. sad. just sad. even if all the brothers had only one wife, there are still too many muslimahs left over. what are they suppose to do??? and this practice isn’t just imitating prophet Muhammad but soo many other prophets, messengers, righteous men practice poly.

  10. Molly says:

    There are more men than women in this world. Polygyny will only make it harder for men to find wives.

    • Hi, Molly! I’m just wondering, are you the same Molly whom I used to chat with back on the Angry Arab blog? It’s me, AnonyMouse!🙂

    • Idris Tafirenyika says:

      Molly I think you meant to say there are more Women than men; at least that what all the recent world wide census indicates.

      • For those between 15-64, there are more men than women, globally. If you are looking for love in your golden years, then the odds favor the men. But yeah, I’ve been there with the polygyny offers. Glad it works for some, but that’s not my line. What I don’t get is the persistence. If I told you no once, what makes you think the fifth time is going to be magical? *rolls eyes*

    • muslimnlove says:

      More men than women?!?! WHAAAT?! :O

  11. One1deen says:

    I find it abit shameful to hear “Muslim women” say me me me when I I I ….. There is wisdom in what Allah has allowed .. No man can ever replicate what our Prophet(salla Allaahu ‘alayhi wa salaam) has done but then again he is a perfect example to follow.. Better yet there are plenty of situations where women have been left divorced, widowed and left with 3-4 children and not a help in the world… Unable to get married to a man with such a huge responsibility what is she to do… Now if you have a great beloved husband that would be able to help and assist that sister what would you say .. ” hes mine” what happened to what you want for yourself you want for your your brother/sister… Nobody says you have to love it but deal with it…

    • muslimnlove says:

      Thanks for reading my piece! I love dialogue and multiple perspectives. I have to disagree with you here though. I can want for my sista all day everyday but I don’t think Muslims should feel obligated to practice something that they don’t feel mentally, emotionally or spiritually ready for. You don’t have to love polygamy nor do you have to practice it if you choose so. Come on son!

    • Idris Tafirenyika says:

      You can assist without marrying;that would be charity.

  12. Romaica says:

    First of all well done on this great piece, so true and realistic. It is amazing how most men, no matter where they are from, think the same and use the same ways when it comes to polygamy. Some even when go to the extend of insulting a woman if she refuses them saying that is why you never married and will remain single!!
    Polygamy isn’t a piece of cake as many men would think and Allah would punish them severely if they mistreated any of their wives.

  13. jaffer786 says:

    Even the last US Census says that there are only 85 single men for every 100 single men in America. This problem is more pronounced among Muslims for many reasons. Among Muslims the ratio is probably about 75:100, and especially among African Americans. You were conditioned to only consider monogamy. If you think you are too great to be polygynous, perhaps you should avoid it. Polygyny works best among altruists.

  14. jaffer786 says:

    I meant 100 single women

  15. hunny_bee1 says:

    Preach, my sister! I was practically applauding all the way through this. Subhanallah, I’m in the same position as you (twenty-something, trying to find a husband) and have met guys who just can’t understand why I don’t like polygyny…and they have basically implied that I am somehow “less of a Muslim”/”not a very good Muslim” because of my views. The arrogance of such men really is breathtaking, sometimes. You’re totally right about the way they’ll try to guilt-trip you into accepting their “argument”…it’s infuriating. I have no problem with a guy wanting to marry four women, since that’s his right as a Muslim man, but I have NO interest in being a part of that whatsoever.

    My favourite part: ““It’s too much temptation these days. Would you rather have a brotha cheat on his wife?”

    My thirsty brotha, please have a seat somewhere. Ain’t nobody got time for you to be talking this mess right now. If you are already married and concerned about infidelity then you need to examine your current relationship.” Hahaha!

    I just discovered your blog (Muslimnlove) by accident a few days ago and I have to say, I’ve really been enjoying it. Keep up the good work!