Chastity Check


He had no shame. I think that made the situation worse.

I asked him the question I have asked most brothers I am interested in.

“Have you been in any relationships outside of your previous marriage?”

He looked at me and nodded.

Sadly, it didn’t surprise me because this seemed to be the reality for a majority of brothers my friends and I encountered.

Brothers who acted a hot stakin’ mess…

Sex before marriage, babies out of wedlock and not even hiding it in the slightest.

What makes matters worse is many of them are not reprimanded.

Jummah by day and the club by night.

Posting it everywhere for folks to see.

Listen, I ain’t got the time…

Ya’ll know I keep it real all day everyday.

There are many brothers looking for wives who were once caught up in the dunya. Now a sista ain’t judgin’. I will give a brotha a chance if he is deemed as worthy and approaches the situation with a sincere heart.

The key is to step correct.

With all that being said it is very disheartening meeting brothers who have not held onto their chastity.

If it is expected from women it should also be expected from men as well.

All this mumbo jumbo about how it is difficult for a man to control himself is absolute crap and I don’t use that as an excuse.

All single Muslims regardless of gender are sexually frustrated in an oversexed society.

Now I am not being biased here because I know many sisters have also been involved in premarital sexual relationships. But I am positive that the number of brothers outweigh the sisters by a long shot.

I give mad respect to the brother who holds himself together for his future wife. I have come across several of them. May Allah reward you. Truly, you are a gem.

Like I have mentioned, if the fear of fornication is not enough to deter you from premarital encounters then the fear of contracting one of the 3 H’s (Herpes, HIV, Hepatitis) should be enough.

Thirty minutes of gratification for a lifetime of misery.

You can keep that!

So many Muslims are concerned with female sexuality that we are not looking at the bigger picture. Instead of focusing on the proper way to tie your hijab in order not to distract a man we need to be discussing why many Muslim men of marriageable age are, quite frankly, not seeking spouses.

They are getting their needs met in other ways.

Why get married, financially support a wife when you can get booty on the side?

What is truly the incentive?

For some men they see no incentive with taking a wife when they can get what they want for free.

Just like a brother doesn’t want to marry a sister who has been around the block I have no interest in marrying someone who has “been around”. I think many sisters should stick to this approach when dealing with potential suitors.

Don’t settle.

Western culture correlates manhood with sexuality. Many men have fallen for this gimmick and this includes Muslim men.

Then I had this thought…

As a Muslim woman why am I not entitled to be open with my own sexuality? I am not talking about sleeping around here and being reckless with my body. Why am I not able to simply state that one of my motivations for getting married is to fulfill my sexual desires? As a woman even the mere mention of the word “sex” will throw most Muslims into cahoots and a fatwa frenzy. Though as a man its absolutely acceptable to be adamant in regards to his needs.

I think I smell something here called a …. DOUBLE STANDARD!

In many cultures you are not considered a “woman” until you are married and have been intimate with a man.


What is so wrong with having preferences and being vocal about what you want and more importantly what you don’t? Quite frankly, I am disgusted by consistently being defined by a man or in relation to them. As women we are our own entity and deserve to think and speak for ourselves.

Sistas, sexually emancipate yourself and understand that there is nothing wrong with being honest with what Allah has placed within all of us…

Ihssan Tahir is a twenty something self-proclaimed “SistaQueen” living in Chicago. She is a registered nurse and specializes in emergency and trauma medicine. In her spare time she enjoys writing and practicing the violin. You can follow her candid blog about her husband hunting endeavors and relationship tidbits at

Ihssan will be moderating the event for our new book, “Salaam, Love” in Chicago on Tuesday, February 18th – join us! More info, here.

12 Comments on “Chastity Check”

  1. jdeena says:

    I LOVE THIS! Props to you, sister, for putting it out there and being real. I have a blog and wrote a piece similar to this…..I agree: why are women held to a standard of purity and chasteness while men get a pass? Both men and women should be treated equally. Thank you for sharing this!

  2. AJ Springer says:

    Men are much harder to shame than women are. But at the same time, there’s a lot of hypocrisy in the dating/marriage game. If you’re living the life, you can’t be mad when sisters do as well.

    • muslimnlove says:

      I’m tellin’ ya brotha! For real though, nobody should be “living the life”. It ain’t worth it if you ask a sista.

  3. What’s the problem with people having sex? and who is this woman to declare what kind of sexual past is suitable and appropiate in a muslim woman? Why someone must hide a previous child even if is out of marriage? How mean this woman is trying to seem pious.I am very proud of being a single mother even if all those hipocrit hiyabis think I am a whore. It’s a real pain in the ass to be a muslim for a woman who doesnt live inside a can of peas. It suppose Islam must be liberating for us , instead is a tool for ashaming us for not having an hymen, for fell in love sincerely in the past, for having desires and a life.

    • Re (South Asian feminista) says:

      Yes EXACTLY! The writer says she ain’t judging these men for being ‘caught up in the dunya’ but clearly she is in her first statements. So what if people have sex/babies out of wedlock? And what’s wrong with having multiple sex partners and not committing to a person because you don’t want to commit to someone???? Her belief that a monogamous marriage (which is very patriarchal and hetero-normative) is the only proper way to be is clearly shaming people that don’t want that lifestyle for themselves. Instead we should be encouraging people to have sex when they’re most comfortable with having sex (whether it’s in wedlock or out of it but never under pressure); it’s THEIR bodies and THEIR right to choose when they want to be sexually active. People shouldn’t be ashamed for wanting to experiment with their sexuality when they want to. Also I don’t understand the statement about how people should avoid pre-martial encounters out of fear of contracting STDs. If they take the necessary pre-cautions and practice save sex they’re going to be just fine.

      However, I definitely agree with the author that girls have every right to lay down what they want and what they don’t want in their lives.

  4. Faizan says:

    This was a great article. As a young muslim man, I am infuriated by this same issue that plagues our society, especially even the females in the muslim ummah…unfortunate and disgusting because it is a focal point when I actually look for marraige.

  5. Destin F. says:

    Dear Ihssan, I’m a non-Muslim man (and MD in training). I personally decided as a teenager not to sleep around. I believe that sex should be reserved for couples who’ve walked a long journey of love together. I’ve never been very religious, but it was common sense to me because I saw the damaging effect that cheap relationships had on both men and women. I fully agree that there exists a double standard like you mentioned. Men have a responsibility to respect women (and all humans) and we should be teaching our sons that instead of chastising our daughters for being “impure”.

    Please keep the faith, because there are good men out there. I would also add that there are good men who have had sex in honest relationships that didn’t work out, but I respect your wishes for a man who saves himself for marriage.

    • muslimnlove says:

      Hey Destin,
      Thanks for reading my piece. I think each case must be looked at individually. You are right. There are many folks who have had sex in honest relationships. My article was not necessarily geared towards those brothas. I believe being reckless with your body goes for both genders. You have to understand that people are human, I just can’t deal with the double standards. That is what I was pointing towards. 🙂

  6. Texican says:

    Ihssan – You’re writing is remarkable. You are insightful and unapologetic. And your thoughts are laser sharp. But I take issue with this statement:

    “Why get married, financially support a wife when you can get booty on the side?
    What is truly the incentive?
    For some men they see no incentive with taking a wife when they can get what they want for free.”

    What is a Muslim man’s (or any man’s) only true incentive to get married? Just sex? Is that all marriage is about? These above statement seem to imply that if a man can get sex outside of marriage then he would never want to get married…so the only reason to get married is to get sex. For real?!?!

    What about companionship? Commitment? Family? Intimacy, both physical, emotional, and spiritual? Wouldn’t a man want these things as well? Wouldn’t these also be reasons to get married?

    I think those above statements, along the “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” are insulting to men as well as women. It reduces men to mindless, soul-less creatures who desire physical sex and nothing more.

    • AJ Springer says:

      I agree with the above comment. Getting sex outside of marriage is certainly not a good reason to not get married. And getting married so you can have sex is a quick way to divorce court.