Just a friend


All I heard was the word “friends”.

Everything after that was muffled. To be quite honest, I wasn’t really listening. He could have told me the building was on fire and I would have just kept smiling and nodding.

I was in the friends zone.

Maybe intentionally. Maybe not.

Regardless it was a smack in the face. I thought this is how Biz Markie must have felt. I should have just busted out in rhymes in the middle of the restaurant.

I zoned back into the conversation. As arrogant as it might be perceived I had enough friends and I didn’t want anymore. If my lips could have uttered what my mind was thinking than that is what I would have said. I was looking for a husband, not anymore friends.

I couldn’t say that, it would have sounded absolutely ridiculous.

I don’t trust single brothers who have many “sister” friends. As a woman, I have no interest being friends and cool with many brothers. That is what I need my sistaqueens for. Perhaps I might need a brother to bounce a thought off of, but it stops there.

Didn’t they say that the beginning phases of a good romantic relationship usually started as a friendship? Isn’t the best partner one that you can call both your friend and lover?

Working, organizing events and even in MSA a lot of relationships start off on the premise of just being friends. Sometimes this is the gateway to developing a more romantic relationship and at other times is nips everything in the bud. Real fast.

From what I have seen women do this far more often than men. We’re quick to put a brother in the friends zone because sometimes ya’ll like to move real fast when it comes to the courting and the marriage process.

I felt some sort of way with being categorized by this brother.

Yeah, a sista does have a bit of an ego but not enough to admit that I was hurt. Just slightly.

Then I thought to myself…

What happens when it’s one sided? When one views you as their friend but you view them in a romantic light? Can two single people on the quest for love truly be friends?

Don’t allow single people looking for “friends” to use you as a crutch. If you are talking to them with the hope that it might lead to more I would suggest several things. As soon as they start talking about the issues they are having in their relationships or the difficulty involved with finding a partner then that means they have put you in the friends zone.

As Muslims living in the West we all have different views when it comes to gender interactions. This can be dependent on several factors such as culture and religious practice. I’ve noticed that with many younger folks our tactics to finding a spouse involves both a western and religious approach.

Sometimes it can get real confusing.

If someone is suitable for you then why are you putting them in the friends zone? Some people will use the excuse that they grew up with the person or their families are close. Common one liners include, “He’s like my brother!” or “No way! That would never happen!”

Honey boo boo, it might feel like he’s your brother but in reality he’s not. I’m sure you’ve never thought about giving him a chance but perhaps you should weigh out your options here. You both have more in common than you think. Utilize the single people around you. Your partner might be right in front of your face.

People are playing games…

I can’t and nobody has the time!

You betta get that!

Ihssan Tahir is a twenty something self-proclaimed “SistaQueen” living in Chicago. She is a registered nurse and specializes in emergency and trauma medicine. In her spare time she enjoys writing and practicing the violin. You can follow her candid blog about her husband hunting endeavors and relationship tidbits at http://muslimnlove.com/.

6 Comments on “Just a friend”

  1. jdeena says:

    This related to me so much! I am ALWAYS friendzoned! Guys always tell me I am cool to hang out with but that they never feel a spark with me to make it go further. I’m actually in the process now of writing my next blog post on what turns guys off from women….what puts them in that friend zone. Great post sister….thank you for sharing!

  2. RT Akili says:

    Never underestimate the value of a male friend. The can be a source of sanity i reality when you have questions about the stupid things that men say and do in relationships. My wife is my best friend and we our very secure in our relationship. She has male friends that do not take away my time and I have female friends that do not interfere with hers. You need insight from the opposite sex from time to time, but I think that you have not met any real men, with real aspirations, that can deal with your independent mind. They want to be your friend because, although you are what they want in a woman, they are not secure in themselves to be in a relationship with you. Don’t look for a husband, sister. You never find what you want when you are seriously looking. Continue to do you and project the goddess in self. It’s like a beacon to a real brother, and he will see it. You just wont see him until he is right in your face. Peace and blessings! HETEP!

  3. azmatkn says:

    To me, it’s important to be friends and see where interaction could go. As long you’re under the premise of future possibilities, it’s okay to be just friends.

    I wanted to be “friends” with a potential man because I want my husband to be a dear friend as well as a spouse. Unfortunately, he thought I friend-zoned him and never gave me a chance to explain my reasoning.

    Just thought I’d share the other side of the friend-zone, which obviously was not the case in your story.

  4. lisa says:

    I am glad my friend Michael decided to be friends first now after a year it is budding into love. So dont underestimate friendship.

  5. Alan Howard says:

    Another good article Ihssan! Keep on keeping it real! I think grown men and women an be friends. But to your point it needs to be within a particular context. If a brother is looking for a wife and you are looking for a husband and the two of you are exploring that…….you are NOT friends. Nor should you be considered that way. Rather you need to be real with each other….explore whether you are compatible. If it turns out that you are not right for each other you both need to be mature enough to admit it. Once that is out of the way then I think friendship (so long as it isn’t awkward) is fine. As RT Akili said above, sometimes it is good to have the perspective of the other gender. Just not within the confines of the two of you seeing if you can connect.

  6. Faizan says:

    I am so glad you brought this up..it happens too much than often. One person falls for another unintentionally, which can be detrimental. You begin to have self-doubts..Good point!