Advice: Marry for Sex or Stability?

Dear Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy,

I’m in a bit of a dilemma and need your help. I’ve been introduced to three boys as potential marriage prospects (rishtas). I am not attracted to two of them and find it hard to imagine having sex with either of them. While both boys are virgins and have very good careers and other good attributes, I don’t have a very open relationship with them in terms of communication. They are of a traditional mindset which I am not.

The third boy whom I’ve been introduced to is not a virgin and is also not well settled in his career. He has had sex with many women before. However, I am very attracted to him and can imagine myself having sex with him. The only problem is that I am a virgin and find it hard to trust him with his past sexual history and am worried he may cheat within marriage. I have been able to talk to him about everything from money to even how frequent he would like sex with me if we do get married as well as his previous sexual history and my concerns regarding the same.

Is attraction very important to enjoy sex? Do you think it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship with someone you are not attracted to? I know financial stability is also important. I’m just confused as to whether I should marry for money and comfort or marry for love…considering life it not really a fairytale.

Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Sex or Stability

Miss Sunshine replies:
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Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask: The Muslim Edition

#TheFirstTime logo

A reminder to be a part of our crowdsourced project #TheFirstTime, a platform to anonymously ask your most pressing questions about sex:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

The survey closes on Monday, August 17th, so get your questions in today!

Some background about the project:

When we started this website three years ago, we were inundated with questions from our readers about love, sex, and relationships – issues covered in our book, Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women. We realized that, for many of us, there isn’t a safe space to voice our most intimate concerns without fear of shame, humiliation, or judgment.

Recognizing that we all have questions – but not all of us have someone to turn to for answers – we launched an advice column. We enlisted the help of two thoughtful and wise friends – Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy – who, over the years, have answered our readers’ burning questions about love and sex and everything in between.

Two years ago, our columnists answered a question from a young man who was “Clueless About [His] Wedding Night.” He wrote that he was at a loss as to what he should do once he and his wife were alone, but had no one he could turn to for advice. Our columnists answered his question with grace and honesty.

Since then, “Clueless About My Wedding Night” has become the single most viewed post onLoveInshAllah.com. It’s clear from the way in which this column has gone viral that there are many others out there who are also looking for answers about having sex for the first time.

We want to help.

Today marks the launch of our newest project, #TheFirstTime, an attempt to make sure you’re not clueless on your wedding night. We want to know: what questions do you have (or did you have) about having sex for the first time? What advice would you give your best friend on his/her wedding night? And, what resources do you wish you had before you had sex for the first time?

This is a crowd-sourced project so we need your help to complete this survey. This is an anonymous survey and we do not want identifying information.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M75HRBJ

We are excited to partner with HEART Women & Girls, a non-profit organization that seeks to promote the reproductive health and mental well-being of faith-based communities.

For more information, please contact us at advice@loveinshallah.com


A Beautiful and Blessed Wedding

Our favorite story of the week: This beautiful Turkish couple decided to share their wedding festivities with 4,000 Syrian refugees, inviting them to eat with them and celebrate their special day. The groom’s father – who had the initial idea for the celebration – said that he was pleased that the couple began their new life together “with such a selfless action.”

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Read more about the wedding, here. #RelationshipGoals


Advice: I want sex but am not ready for marriage

Dear Miss Sunshine and Shy Desi Boy,

I’m a recent college graduate, taking a year off before beginning graduate studies in the fall of this year. I am very serious about my professional goals (getting a Ph.D. and becoming a professor), and I know that to realistically achieve these, I should not get married for several years. But here’s the problem. I find myself wanting to have sex. What should I do to make this desire go away? (I’m not open to sex outside of marriage.) Should I consider getting married early? I think this is professionally unwise, but do you know of any success stories of married Ph.D. students??

Sincerely,
Lonely Grad Student Read the rest of this entry »


Humans of the World

Humans of New York, one of our favorite photoblogs, was started in November 2010 by photographer Brando Stanton. What started as an effort to take candid portraits on the streets of New York – accompanied by short & intimate interviews with every day people – has turned into a global phenomena. Brandon is currently on 50 day, international trip in partnership with the United Nations, in an effort to gather portraits & stories and raise awareness for the Millennium Development Goals– so far he’s visited Iraq & Jordan and is soon to visit the Democratic Republic of Congo, India, Vietnam & Haiti.

Follow Brandon as he continues his tour through his blog, Facebook or Instagram.

“We just want to be together and not be afraid.” (Erbil, Iraq)


Healing in Ramadan

Mohammed Shamma

Mohammed Shamma

Our Salaam, Love contributor Mohammed Shamma writes a post for Beacon Broadside about his love of soccer, instilled in him by his father, and his first Ramadan after his father’s death:

The World Cup and Ramadan aren’t always mentioned in the same sentence, but this year was different. The Islamic holy month started during the tournament’s knockout stage. In some ways, this was a fitting moment for the Muslim soccer players who had made it that far. They knew the Muslim world would be watching them as they pushed their bodies to their physical limits in the greatest moment of their careers. This was certainly the case for Mesut Özil and Sami Khedira of Germany, who helped seal German soccer supremacy for the next four years.

The last time Ramadan and the World Cup crossed paths was in 1986 and 1982 respectively. I’ll never forget the summer of 1982. I was in Egypt, visiting my father’s family on a much-delayed bereavement trip. My father had died of cardiac arrest in October of 1981. We buried him in a Muslim cemetery in Houston, Texas and had to wait eight months before we could visit our relatives in Cairo. Those eight months were tough on me, a nine-year-old boy who just lost his father, soccer coach, and mentor.

Read more, here.

Check out Mohammed’s story, “Echoes” in Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex & Intimacy.


Advice: Navigating Young (Forbidden) Love

Dear Love, InshAllah,

We are parents of a Muslim college student who met a Muslim boy at school and wish to get to know each other with parental supervision for marriage. The boy told his Pakistani parents he wished us to meet and get to know each other. They first agreed and next day refused and hit him and threatened to have him transfer to another school. We are not Pakistani, however they say that is not the reason, that it is because he is too young. We also wish they were older however we do not want them to commit any sins and are willing to work with them in order for them to have supervision and not lie to us. The boy’s mother caught him on the phone with my daughter, who is out of country doing research for school and taken away his phone and computer and again state will take him out of school. We have suggested our daughter not have any contact with him until parents agree, but this has not happened and if seems the parents forbidding them has made them closer. Our question is should we contact the father and state we were not pleased with this relationship but it is better to work together with our children than to have them lie to us. Any advice on dealing with Pakistani parents who do not want the son to talk to a girl until he is out of college and working and to become a doctor even though the son does not wish to be a doctor.

Sincerely,
Not Pakistani

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