Many single Muslims enjoy getting to know potential spouses over dinner and coffee dates. This process can be exciting and invigorating especially if the conversation and chemistry is good.
But it’s extremely easy to get infatuated with a person and ignore red flags. This is why it’s important to seek more information before getting too attached.
Here are some tips from my own search on how to get to know someone better. (Note: I highly recommend using your wali (guardian) or a close friend throughout this entire process. Not only is it required in Islam but it allows you to keep a balanced thought process.)
Earlier last week, a long-time blogging friend, Mezba, wrote about his quest for marriage.
His post provoked a huge response because his words jammed a finger into a large gaping wound in our community, and the community – stung by these words – responded. So did I.
But some were furious for a different reason. They were upset his post was given a platform. And while their reasons for this frustration may have been varied and complex, this touched a nerve in me. Because it’s a criticism I’ve heard time and again in the nearly ten years I’ve written on my site. Writing about cultural issues is not the main focus of my blog but anytime I do write about desi or faith-based concerns or issues, I inevitably get harsh e-mails, comments, and, sometimes, face-to-face lectures. So the world hates us and you want them to hate us more? is the common refrain.
I’m responding in a loving way to my brother Mezba who is married (congratulations!) and has offspring (wonderful!) but is nevertheless about to enjoy the benefit of my sincere, unsolicited advice. I imagined what I would say if a young man came to me with this attitude intending to become the father of my grandchildren, whether it’s my son or someone who would like to become my son-in-law.
It’s especially easy to respond to this article because Mezba is so honest, so naive, and so unapologetic with his outrageous generalizations. Mezba, bro veteran, tell it like it is!
“There were no good girls in Canada.” I’ve never been to Canada, but there are many good girls in America! Either Canada is some kind of country-wide brothel with a small oasis of righteousness, or you weren’t looking hard enough, Mezba! Besides, what is a “good” girl?
Today is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
While men and boys are the overwhelming perpetrators of violence against women, many are also partnering with women and girls to address and end this violence. What can you do to help?
* Educate yourself
* Speak up against attitudes and behaviors that degrade women and promote violence against them
* Listen to/speak with women
* Speak with other men
* Have the confidence to confront your own actions, beliefs, and opinions
* Contribute your time and money
* Support survivors
* Lead by example
Read more at:
Carlos Andrés Gómez in The Guardian with Men: we can start a movement to stop violence against women
I was born to be a doctor, or so I was told. Many years later, doctor I will be, though not of the medical profession. This particular journey has taken longer than the one expected of me, leading to the need for me to make some choices.
Being a medical doctor, you see, is just the right amount of time for a girl to spend on her education. You work hard, learn, achieve and then it is over and you can get started on your “real life”. Pursuing a PhD, however, is a longer and more nebulous path that required, for me, space to focus, which meant not getting married according to a societal deadline. The road to get here has been tough. I have made choices while navigating a system that works against me.
One day, I realized that rather than navigating the system, I should be tearing it down.
The setup is all too familiar. Some odd years of rishta searching have clued me in to the familiar tone in my mom’s voice: “Aunty was telling me about this boy…”
Here we go again.
Many failed setups have me well-attuned to what to expect, so I usually brace myself as I listen quietly to the details I’m given – professional and personal, in addition to the usual qualifiers:
“Apparently they’re only looking for a hijabi.”
“The girl has to be willing to move to so and so city.”
“They want a professional girl, but they’re looking for a quick marriage so there can’t be any career tie-downs.”
“They want a girl who’s tall and fair and slim and smart and can cook biryani with her eyes closed.”
Alright, so maybe that last bit is a slight exaggeration. Maybe.
Gorgeous and wise.