Divorced Ramblings

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I am twenty-two-years old. I am a rebellious daughter, a fierce writer, a determined feminist, a fiery niqaabi. I have been to six countries, living in three of them. I have a three-year-old daughter. And I am divorced.

Most people don’t know what to say, how to react. Some give me condolences, a sympathetic hand squeeze, a look of pity and sorrow. Others frown, shake their hands, mutter that I look too happy, too relieved, that my smile is too wide and my laughter too free.

They do not know that I grieved for my marriage before it even ended, that I celebrate my freedom every day, that my heart aches most not out of regret or anger, but out of quiet sorrow for those unusual moments that studded my marriage like shards of raw diamonds – unexpectedly beautiful, but with a sharpness that cuts deeper all the more for their brightness.

Divorce throws the world into sharp relief, reminds me of who I am, highlights the ridiculous standards and expectations of society, helps me laugh when I’d rather cry. Divorce tells me not to give up – and I don’t. I yet dream of love, plot for the future with all the ferocity of ambition, search and find beauty in all that has happened in my life.

What is even more unexpected is the rush of tenderness I feel now for my daughter’s father. He is no villain, but a man as lost as anyone else, as desperate for love as every other soul, as broken within as we all are. Though I have freed myself from having to fight his battles, I pray that he is able to find the strength and wisdom to fight them himself, and to be victorious against the forces that he struggles with inside himself.

One of the last things I told him was, “I don’t love you.” Now, I realize that I didn’t tell the entire truth. No, I did not love him as a husband, as a soul mate, as the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But every Muslim has rights over another Muslim, and one of those rights is to be loved for the Sake of Allah. This man is the father of my daughter, who loved me in his own way, however misguided… yes, I can muster compassion for him. And what is compassion, if not a pale, transparent, opalescent type of love?

In my sujood, where whispered prayers slip past my lips like unbidden pearls, where my heart’s true desires make themselves known, when my darkest fears are revealed and banished at that moment when my soul speaks to my Lord – one supplication finds itself repeated, over and over. O Allah, let him find true love.

Zainab bint Younus aka AnonyMouse al-Majnoonah aka The Salafi Feminist is a nomadic young woman with big dreams, a small daughter, and a penchant for too many pseudonyms. She blogs at http://www.TheSalafiFeminist.blogspot.com


14 Comments on “Divorced Ramblings”

  1. Nasteha Liban says:

    I admire your strength.Someone who is in contact with her emotions is the only one who can think like you.I recently broke up with someone i considered very dear in my life. I know this is entirely and completely different from a divorce but then a heart break is a heart break. I found myself saying “Oh Allah,let him find true love,” in my sujood too among many other duasi make for him.

  2. Sammy says:

    This was so well written..taqabal Allah du3aa’ik..

  3. sgiado says:

    Barak allah feek. May we all have your compassion and mercy Ameen.

  4. Arya says:

    Beautiful piece! Right…..we should love one another for the sake of Allah.

    http://themuslimahdreams.wordpress.com

  5. maliurj says:

    Dear ukhti…as long as you keep your attachment to Allah SWT..then spread your wings and explore the universe! Continue to share your wisdom and Live with sincerity and humility and may Allah SWT guide you and us on this journey….ameen.

  6. g2-f0d737836dcf4b423d7bd9201a937332 says:

    As someone who got divorced five years ago, I understand your struggles and our culture’s insane expectations on us. I finally have moved past all the pain and heartache and alhumdillilah am able to be the person I think I was always meant to be. I am looking to get married but unfortunately, my age (late 20s) and status as a divorced woman seems to be causing a flow of cringe-worthy rishta’s that aren’t a good match (and since being mismatched was a problem last time, it is something I want to avoid.) I don’t want to make your post about me, since it’s beautifully written but I don’t have a lot of people to discuss this with. My American friends think Im crazy to worry about marriage so much and my Muslim friends dont seem to understand my situation either. My parents tell me daily that because of my being divorced this is as good as I can get (mid to late 30s guys all divorced all with super involved families) They won’t let me marry outside my culture (desi) and they won’t let me move out even though I’m educated and can afford to do so. I dont know what to do.

    • muslimah says:

      You’re late 20s. You are divorced. Find someone to marry and tell your parents fo deal with it..sorry. you are educated, can afford to move out- do so. Islam doesn’t ask us to abide by these desi standards. Yes parents deserve respect but they should respect their adult children back. Pls don’t waste any more time. Your first marriage probably failed bc of desi expectations and complications. You have every right to choose your own life partner. Islam gives you the right. Stand up for yourself.

  7. Tina Saad says:

    Dear AnonyMouse

    I wanted ro comment on your blog about suratul Hijr ayah 24. I checked out tafseer Ibn Katheer and the narration though present wasmentioned as extremely ghareeb (strange) by Ibn Katheer.
    If one poses to contemplate the situation then even if the men did try to sneak a peak through their armpits during sujood and rukoo, the lady in question would certainly have herself been in rukoo or sujood.
    As a lady much older than yourself, actually I am a friend of your mother😀 I would like to say that whatever was revealed from that sister is in no way equal to the temptations of today.
    May I dare say that in this day and age beauty is most definitely a culprit. Both men and women judge each other by it. Women forsake their commitment to islam in the name of fashion and glamour and men contemptuously abuse the sanctity of marriage in search of the more sultry (but alas there’s always something better; or so they assume).
    I have recently, and by recently I mean just a couple of days ago, discovered this thing about the illuminati and the conspiracy of top industries such as the music, film, beauty, etc.
    The horror I felt and the urgency with which I acted to warn my own daughter, Zainab, of the dangers. You see Zainab is only 12 and though I have sought relentlessly to prevent her from romancing the music world I was outnumbered by her more convincing friends amd comrades. It’s not just the music but everything else that comes along with it. Who your role models are; your understanding of beauty and the power given to it; your commitment to Allah and your willingness to forsake the pleasures of this world for a more seemingly constricting life.

    Mohammed sallallahu alayhe wa salam asked Fatima his daughter and of the leading women of Jannah, “oh Fatima! What kind of woman is best?” To which she replied, “The kind who does not see men and whom men don’t see.”
    Aisha radiallahu anha saw a group of women not dressed properly and rebuked them saying, “If you are believing women then this is not the appropriate attire for a believing woman, but if you are otherwise then enjoy.”

    I have met one too many young ladies, niqabi or hijabi, who though covered, are not covered nor behave in the modesty that must accompany their ‘islamic’ clothing.
    We’re young is an expected answer.
    However, Allah has excused older women from complete covering. Meaning? Being stricter in hijab is for the young and foolish not for the old and wise.
    I could go on and on but I rather await your response and move on from there.

    Salaams to you and your mother.

    • Wa ‘alaikumus-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh khala Tina🙂

      The narration I used in that particular post has also been narrated by: Ibn Majah, Abu Dawud Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged sahih by Albani. He includes it as #2472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih

      I ensure that all narrations I use in my articles have been authenticated, either by Shaykh al-Albani or others🙂

      Wrt the rest of what you’re saying, I agree – in no way does it excuse women from the obligation of hijab. (I actually have a follow up piece that discusses spiritual chastity🙂 )

      Jazaakillaahi khayran for sharing your thoughts🙂

  8. Bachir says:

    Cares who lady?

  9. Sorry…I can’t think of anything to say…I’m still giggling at the comment above me by Bachir “Cares who lady?”

    HA! Anyways…I just wanted to say my salaams and that I really appreciate your writing. When you describe your memories as diamonds I really appreciated that! I’m not going to blab on about how I think this is a great piece of writing….you know it is😉

  10. […] published on IslamicAwakening.com, SaudiLife.net,TheIdealMuslimah.com, Taqwa Magazine, and LoveInshallah.com as well. I worked as an editor for Darussalaam Publishers (KSA) for over a year, and am currently […]

  11. […] bint Younous at Love Inshallah writes in her blog post Divorced Ramblings,  ” No, I did not love him as a husband, as a soul mate, as the person I wanted to spend the […]

  12. bintaasiyah says:

    may Allaah grant you something far better than that which you have given up, aameen.